I take back all the nice things I said about this show last week. Ew. I don’t even want to talk about it.

5. Intermission

Starring: Cillian Murphy, Colin Farrell, Kelly MacDonald

Dir. John Crowley

2003

“A variety of losers in Dublin have harrowingly farcical intersecting stories of love, greed and violence.”

Oh this film is great. Just funny and interesting and different. Cillian Murphy is wonderful! (And it’s pronounced “Kill-ee-ann” every single male I have ever had a conversation with about him!)

4. Primal Fear

Starring: Richard Gere, Edward Norton, Laura Linney

Dir. Gregory Hoblit

1996

“An alter boy is accused of murdering a priest, and the truth is buried several layers deep.”

If you have not seen this movie, you absolutely must! Edward Norton is so amazing he was nominated for an Oscar (and this was his first role). This is one of those movies that will stick with you for a long time.

3. Heathers

Starring: Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty

Dir. Michael Lehmann

1988

“A girl who half-heartedly tries to be a part of the in-crowd of her high school meets a rebel who teaches her a more devious way to maneuver high school politics.”

“I love my dead gay son!”

2. Secretary

Starring: Maggie Gyllenhaal, James Spader

Dir. Steven Shainberg

2002

“A young woman recently released from a mental hospital gets a job as a secretary from a demanding and eccentric lawyer.”

This one barely passed my criteria #2, only because I would not recommend this to my parents, or grandparents, or anyone who is uptight about sex. But to everyone else, this movie is so great and a really lovely love story even though it is about S&M.

1. Buffalo ’66

Starring: Vincent Gallo, Christina Ricci, Anjelica Houston

Dir. Vincent Gallo

1998

“After spending 5 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit, Billy is released only to kidnap a girl and force her to pose as his girlfriend in order to impress his parents.”

This movie is the best ever. I love it to pieces. The end.

Honorable Mention: Ed Wood

Starring: Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica Parker

Dir. Tim Burton

1994

“The mostly true story of the legendary director of awful movies and his strange group of friends and actors.”

So I lied. Top six.

Anybody want to share your top 5 favorite films? Or top 6? Or top 3? Or top whatever? I’d love some suggestions!

For those of you who aren’t into Indie music or very small children’s television shows, that is Andrew VanWyngarden of MGMT and Yo Gabba Gabba‘s Brobee. I realize that photo is probably setting you up for a far more bizarre and interesting dream than I actually had, because unfortunately I only dreamt about Andrew VanWyngarden, not Brobee. :’(

Mainly this dream was hilarious to me because I never think about Andrew VanWyngarden EVER, nor do I listen to MGMT much, and also I completely forgot about the dream until a few days later when “Congratualtions” came on the radio and like a lightning bolt to the brain I remembered–I was friends with my BFF from grade school again, and wanted desperately to impress her (which I truly did in real life). Eventually I got the chance when MY BOYFRIEND ANDREW VANWYNGARDEN CALLED ME ON THE TELEPHONE. What kind of retarded dream is this, you are asking. WHO STILL USES TELEPHONES?

Anyway, I used the opportunity to be extra flirty and then explain to my friend, “Oh, it’s just my boyfriend, Andrew VanWyngarden.”

Wow.

First Jeff Winger and then Andrew VanWyngarden.

I must really want a boyfriend.

Or someone to dance with.

And the saddest part is I don’t even think she was impressed.

Okay, so I wasn’t around for the dinner party portion (it’s Father’s Day!), but I did catch a later episode, and I have to say, nice job True Blood! I haven’t really enjoyed an episode since the end of the whole Fellowship of the Sun thingy last season when Eric tried to sacrifice himself for Godric. Remember that? And then Godric committed suicide by blue fire? (Okay, that part was the worst but the rest of it was awesome.)

Anyways, this episode was actually good. Like, I enjoyed myself for reals! Good job Eric, you’re still the best! And Sam, it’s nice to see you werecollie’n it up again. And Tara–I still hate you but I think the new vampire dude will make you more interesting. And by interesting, I mean violent. Oh, and the new vampire dude is Forney from Where the Heart Is. Don’t even try to pretend like you haven’t seen that movie at least thrice out of the billion times its been on cable. YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.

Bill gets rescued from the werewolf attack of the last episode by the King of Mississippi, who comes riding up on a white horse. A fucking white horse. He is all like, “Come on, these werewolves work for me anyway. Obviously I have no control over them, but look at my fancy riding jacket.”

Best Bill face ever? Yes, I think it is.

Bill has to go with him because he is the King (ha!) and they go to his mansion where he is held prisoner because they want to make him a Sheriff in exchange for information on Queen Sophie Anne (the most terrible of them all, Evan Rachel Wood). Whatever, vampire politics, blah blah. Also, fancy vampire food:

Meanwhile, Sam is hanging with his new found bio parents when he decides to run around as a dog with his dog brother, who tries to get him killed. What a dick! The good news: Sam continues be to adorable.

Give him the Oscar for best Werecollie!

Lafayette stops Tara from killing herself (and normally I like Lafayette!) and then he takes her to see his crazy, racist, homophobic mom in the mental institution to scare her straight. She is like, “Yep, don’t want to be that,” and then she meets Forney Vampire at Merlottes. Later, he helps her beat up a couple of hillbillies who were pissing on the spot where Eggs was killed. (That is perhaps one of the weirdest sentences I have ever written.)

Jason is being funny again, so good job! You did “get one” Jason, hooray! All that football in high school finally came in handy!

Sookie is running around trying to find out what happened to Bill, which inevitably brings her to Eric (and also an excellent Bill impression) who lies to her about the Nazi Werewolf scar. OH MOTHERPHUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THE NAZI WEREWOLVES. In the last episode Sookie and the ginger vampire, Jessica, find one of the werewolves that kidnapped Bill, and they see a brand on his neck of a Z (but with two lines, I think) and Sookie is like, “What is that?” So Jessica takes out her iPhone and is like, “I’ll Google it.” TWO SECONDS LATER, she is like, “Oh, it’s the mark of a Nazi Werewolf.” HUH? I know iPhones are dope and all, but wow. Just wow. What did she type in anyway? “Z brand (with two strikethoughs) on some dude’s neck,” and Google is like “NAZI WEREWOLF, DUH.”

So yeah, there are Nazi Werewolves (wasn’t that one of the fake trailers in Grindhouse?) and Sookie gives this information to Eric who pretends not to know anything, but really he knows EVERYTHING.

Herr Northman

He has a super dramatic flashback like so:

He is thinking, “I used to hunt the Werewolf Women of the SS with Godric, back during the war. It was awesome.” The major point of this flashback is that the Nazi Werewolfs are being commanded by a vampire, and also Eric needs to control his feelings better. (And this is how we know he is starting to really fall for Sookie. Oh Sookie! First Sam and then Bill and then Eric and then Snoop. Who next? Please not Forney.)

So Eric doesn’t tell Sookie at first but he changes his mind later when Sookie is in danger because he wants to hit that and then he tries to convince her to invite him inside to “protect her.”

"Trust me, you will like it."

Sookie declines but is then forced to because there is a Nazi Werewolf in there and Eric goes in to fight it and then the episode ends.

ALSO: Terry is the cutestcutestcutest ever, don’t you think? HE HAS AN ARMADILLO THAT HE NURSED BACK TO HEALTH NAMED FELIX. Best.

Also, this:

Yummy! This episode of True Blood was delicious! It tasted like fried chicken and mashed potatoes and corn-on-the-cob and biscuits! And also Bill on Sam sex dreamz. YAY!

Oh man not a lot happened in this episode, but that’s kind of my always complaint with this show. And I know this is only the first episode and all, but can Tara just kill herself already? She is just yelling at everyone so much and choking Sookie all the time over a guy she knew for like a week and for all she knows murdered a bunch of people and was named Eggs. EGGS. Tara’s the worst. Other than Evan Rachel Wood, who is obviously the MEGA WORST. She delivers her lines like a cardboard cutout of a bored robot that sleeps with Marilyn Manson.

So as we all know (because we all watch this show all the time duh) last season ended as Sookie ran out of the bathroom yelling, “Yes Bill Compton, I will marry you!” only to find Bill wasn’t there anymore, just an overturned chair and some lukewarm meatloaf. Haha Sookie, too late! Bill has been kidnapped by werewolves who like to drink his blood and rub their nipples at the same time. So this guy is a werewolf? Weird. Anyway, Bill escapes and eats an old woman to get back his strength and then he has to fight a bunch of wolves. Don’t die Bill! Or do die, either way.

And Eric is back! This is great for me because I love gigantic Nords. Nordics? I don’t know. Anyway, this:

Nordic booty.

He is all up in Sookie’s business in this scene, and she has to pretend like she’s all worried about her kidnapped almost fiance, but we all know she loves it. At first Eric says he will help find Bill because he is the Sheriff of his district or whatever the phuck but then he realizes it might be better for Bill to die because he knows that Eric has been illegally selling vampire blood to humans and if Bill is gone then Eric can get away with it easier. WHATEVER KEEPS YOUR CLOTHES OFF FOR LONGER.

Jason is having a really hard time dealing with how he shot Eggs in the head and all (for which Andy is taking the blame because he is a cop? I don’t remember why this was a good idea). He is having such a hard time that he can’t even get it up for a threesome with some girls without imagining them with bullet holes in their heads. Boo hoo. (Just kidding, PTS is very serious and sad. But Jason is an ass clown.)

And Sam, my favorite character, who isn’t on the show enough, is finally given what might be an interesting storyline in which he goes searching for his family that gave him up for adoption. He finds who is probably his little bro Tommy at a gas station, and is like, “Are you Tommy?” And Tommy is like, “Congratulations, you can read,” because he is wearing a shirt that has a name tag on it. It looks like Sam’s little bro Tommy is a total dick. Sorry Sam, they can’t all be as good as you! Oh and dream more please!

One of the side effects of a human drinking vampire blood is that they will have sex dreamz about the vampire. True facts.

Also: Tara’s mom is totes trying to get in her Pastor’s pants and the ginger human lady is pregnant with Terry’s baby (hopefully Terry’s baby! Terry who has PTS too and is not an ass clown, but great!) and the ginger vampire lady killed a dude and Hoyt is heartbroken and Lafayette is still wearing glitter.

Oh and Eggs is still dead.