the beginning

19 Sep

Another day another vampire. The Vampire Diaries!  I have decided I’m going to recap this show every week. Here is the pilot.



A couple is driving home late at night and the girl is like, “why is it so foggy” and the guy is like “because weather” and then they run over someone. The guy gets out to look at what they hit and he sees this ring:

Damon's ring

And then he gets killed because it is rude to look at other people’s rings.

totes deceased

totes deceased

The girl tries to run away, but its hard to run from something when you don’t know where it is (especially if it is flying) and she gets killed too.

Enough of these dead losers, let’s get to the main characters!

Elena is all sad about her dead parents and the aunt that she’s staying with now is pretty much Kate Hudson in Raising Helen, i.e. she’s “too young” and “to  hip” be a mom but she’s trying anyway. Elena goes to school with her friend, the one black girl in the whole town, who says she is psychic. Elena ignores her and then they hit a stick.


At school Elena sees her ex who pretends not to see her because she dumped him over the summer when her parents died. Hey ex, stop being such a prick. Her parents are DEAD! Then the black girl makes an Air Supply joke. 2009 everybody!

Oh yeah, Elena’s little brother is a drug dealer.

I am annoying

I am annoying

Elena  sees her brother rush into the bathroom and she follows him in there because she knows he’s high, not that he has to take a dump or anything. Then she lectures him about dead parents and drugs and stuff. As she’s leaving the men’s bathroom she runs into the hot transfer and its awkward.

I'm going to fake use the men's room too.

I'm going to fake use the men's room too.

Now he’ll never forget her! Aw. He introduces himself as Stefan Salvatore (authentic Italian name!) and Elena is dumbstruck by his eyebrows:


She really can’t get enough:


Then Elena goes to the cemetary to write in her diary like a normal person and it starts to get foggy and a crow that is obviously significant to the story somehow starts to bother her.  She sees the fog and is like, “why the fuck does someone have fog machine out here?” and she runs away and falls down because duh and then Stefan is there and he is like “did you hurt yourself?” and she checks her leg and it is very bloody. She is like, “oopsie!” and Stefan eyes get all black and he has to run away so he doesn’t eat her.

black eyes 1

Stefan goes home and is like, “dear diary I lost control today because I really want to eat Elena,” and then we feel bad for him because he really wanted to eat her but he didn’t because he is a nice vampire.

Somewhere else, Elena’s ex and a douche whose girlfriend bought drugs from Elena’s little brother (who is Steven McQueen’s grandson! Mini Mcqueen!) are talking and we find out Elena’s ex is the big brother of the douche’s girlfriend, and Mini McQueen is in in love with her but she just wants him to go away. (I’m pretty sure none of that made any sense. Sorry.)

I can't take a hint.

I can't take a hint.

Apparently, Stefan’s fav color is blue and he is a Gemini. Thank you for being in this show blond girl.

I'm needy

I'm needy

Stefan stalks finds Elena at her house and returns her diary that she dropped in the cemetary and they have a moment when he tells her he keeps a diary too. Then they go to the local hip cafe together and everyone is scandalized. Elena’s friends ask him all kinds of prying questions and he reveals his parents are dead too, and then everyone is looking back and forth between him and Elena like they are meant for each other.

Stefan goes home to where he lives with his ‘uncle’ who is really his nephew who thinks he killed the couple from the beginning of the episode. Stefan isn’t too worried about it and is like, “nope, not me” and nephew says “people will remember you from your past here” and it is obvious he wishes Stefan would leave.

Stefan opens his old time wardrobe and looks at his collection of antique books and he pulls out a picture of Elena he printed out in sepia tone except it is not Elena because it says “Katherine 1864” underneath it in old timey cursive.  


The next day Stefan owns the history teacher with his superior knowledge of the town’s history because he “just read about at the library” which is code for he “lived there when it happened a hundred years ago” and everyone is like “this guy is awesome” because everyone loves people who are really smart in high school.

That night everyone goes to a party and there’s TEEN DRINKING! Elena’s black friend (Bonnie is her name!) touches Elena’s beer bottle and has a vision of “a crow and fog and a man”. Things are getting kinky! Stefan appears next to Elena and they adorable at each other and Elena tells him how her parents drove off a bridge and she was in the car too and they died but she didn’t. Not funny.

Meanwhile, douche and his girlfriend are making out in the woods and then he leaves her out there alone because she wouldn’t duet with him and then it starts to get foggy and you know what that means! Vampire attack! And of course Mini McQueen finds her and she’s not dead and its very dramatic and Stefan knows it was a vampire and he runs away.

Back at Stefan’s house Ian Somerholder finally shows up and for some reason Stefan calls him Damon and not Boone.

My name is not Boone.

My name is not Boone.

They are brothers and he is very cheeky and male-modely and also he is evil because he teases Stefan. Damon says that the only reason Stefan came back to this town is to stalk love Elena, and he starts teasing him about eating squirrels and then Stefan is like “I’m going to completly disregard the fact that I’m living in my nephew’s house and tackle you out of this second story window” and then Damon makes fun of him some more and Stefan says, “stay away from Elena!” Then there’s some talk about the fancy ring they both wear being able to shield them from the sunlight. Damon kicks Stefan’s ass just to make a point, then he goes back inside to claim the top bunk.

The blond chick doens’t seem to realize that one of her classmates was just attacked in the forest so she just goes on complaining about how none of the guys want her and they all want Elena and then she sees Damon in the cafe staring at her and she is like “finally someone wants me” and we all know where this is going.

At the hospital, the girl who got bit wakes up and says it was a vampire that bit her to Elena’s ex and he is like “that is weird but you probably know what you are talking about”.

The episode ends with Elena writing in her diary and Stefan watching her through her window and then she invites him in and the end.


7 Responses to “the beginning”

  1. Lauren September 19, 2009 at 6:25 pm #

    Wow your recaps are hilarious, even though i kinda like the show it’s made my day to see it made fun of. Except that I think everybody liked Stefan in class ’cause he totally owned everybody’s least favorite teacher. That guy is a flippin dick

    • itsfreckles September 19, 2009 at 6:29 pm #

      Oh yeah, I like the show too but it’s fun to laugh at things you like! Yeah, that teacher is a dick and I almost mentioned him but I didn’t want to bog down the action with him. You’re my first comment, thanks for being nice! I’m new to this so I’m like, “I hope somebody reads this!” Thanks! (!!!)

  2. Hannah September 29, 2009 at 9:03 am #

    Your recaps are so funny! I haven’t seen the last show yet. I’m loving the show so far, but the Stefin Savator thing is on my nerves.

    • itsfreckles September 29, 2009 at 9:07 am #

      No kidding! I think they realized how silly his name sounds out loud so they just decided to pronounce it incorrectly. Thanks for reading!

  3. olivia October 15, 2009 at 11:59 am #

    lmfao! this is so funny i read all the other ones too! XD i just hope you never get bored with this lol and THANK YOU! omg i didn’t think anyone else noticed how stefen pushed/threw vicki to the floor in the second episode lol too bad you didnt saY anything about how stefan ALWAYS seems to pause before answering a question
    elena: are you free tonight?
    stefan (looks to the sky, mental thought: at what time am i eating squirrels again?)…yes
    cracks me up each time

    • itsfreckles October 15, 2009 at 2:06 pm #

      Thanks for the compliments! And I will definitely be sticking it out through the whole season, they’re pretty fun to write! And you are correct about Stefan’s line delivery, he seems almost like a dim wit. Not to mention he occasionally sounds like Shatner’s Capt. Kirk!

  4. olivia October 17, 2009 at 9:47 am #

    That’s who it reminded me of! Captain Kirk!…or Shatner in general

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