friday night bundt

25 Sep

title

This episode starts off with the blond chick (Caroline) waking up next to naked Damon (!) in her sexy lingerie (you know, what typical 16 teen-year olds wear, it’s probably from Forever 21). She sees the bite on her neck and remembers the night before (freaky sex and neck biting) so she tries to sneak out except everything in her room is squeaky and Damon is a vampire.

Acting

acting

BTW, Caroline has a really cool foot tattoo.

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

"I can't resist lingerie from Forever 21"

"I can't resist lingerie from Forever 21"

Damon stops her and throws her on the bed and bites her again, and everyone is like, “Oh no, is that blond girl going to be alright?” (No, no we’re not).

At school, things are great between Elena and her new boyfriend Stefan (which everyone pronounces like ‘Steff-in’ even though it should be like ‘Stefawn’; not to mention his last name, which everyone pronounces as ‘Salvator’ as if there’s no ‘e’ at the end even though it should be ‘Salvator-ay’ because Italian and it’s not like anyone is going to think he’s less suspicious or whatever if his name is not so obviously taken straight out of Authentic Italian Names for People Born in the Renaissance Era).

So Elena and Stefan are just walking through the quad (that’s a thing right? or are there only quads in movie high schools? I don’t know) when Douche is like, “I’m going to throw this football at Stefan’s head to embarass him” except Stefan is like, “try it sister” and then he turns around really fast and catches the ball just before it hits his face and everyone is impressed.

This is what a douche looks like throwing a football.

This is what a douche looks like throwing a football.

 3 face catch

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

Of course Elena is the most impressed, and she is like, “I didn’t know you played football,” and Stefan is like, “I played awhile ago.” Get it? He played awhile ago? Like he probably played football for the Jamestown Scarlet Fevers or something back in the Colonial Era when they were still using stillborn babies as the ball. And he was the best at it.

Stefan is also the best at knowing things that the dickface history teacher doesn’t, and he once again makes that guy look like the dickface he is.

3 dick

Then there’s a scene with Stefan watching the football team on the bleachers by himself, remincising about his days of throwing stillborn babies into the endzone for the game winning touchdown.

Thinking back on simpler times.

Thinking back on simpler times.

He decides he misses it and wants to join the team at Spookyville High or where ever the hell this show is set and of course he makes the team because he is the bomb diggity, yo! 

I’ll give you one guess who the coach is:

3 dick

Now that Stefan is on the football team, we find out Elena is a cheerleader! Nevermind that Elena looks like someone Stefan was in love with 100 years ago, if he plays football and she leads cheer, then they are made for each other! Yay!

3 skinny

Problem is, she sucks. And also she is very very skinny. Can’t someone over at Top Model persuade Tyra to donate some of her bloody red meat to poor Elena because she is starving.

This is what happens to the models that get kicked off. RIP Lulu

This is what happens to the models that get kicked off. RIP

Damon and his new pawn girlfriend Caroline drive up and of course Caroline is the head cheerleader and she leads their routine which looks like this:

Caroline choreographed it. She’s pretty much the best choreographer at Spookyville High.

While Elena is sucking at cheerleading, Stefan is blowing everyone’s minds with his amazing skillz and he is like the new star wide reciever (football!) or whatever. By the end of practice he is like, “I better do one thing wrong or else everyone will be suspicious (?) of my skillz” so he lets Douche tackle him and he breaks his pinkie.

Owie

owie

Bonnie tells Elena more about her psychicness and Elena is like, “I don’t care if you touched Stefan and it was like death, you’re not actually psychic,” and Bonnie is like, “well what about the numbers 8, 14 and 22? huh? what about that?” Elena just shrugs her shoulders and then tells Bonnie she has to come over for dinner with her and Stefan that night.  

That night for dinner Elena needs a big spoon for some reason and doesn’t know where it is IN HER OWN KITCHEN but Bonnie does because she might be psychic. Elena isn’t very impressed but you know the next time she needs a bottle opener to do some more TEEN DRINKING she’s totally going to call Bonnie and ask her. It’s actually very convenient.

Stefan arrives and Bonnie is like, “I’m going to be very terse and not like you unless you compliment me,” so Stefan says, “Salem witches are the best witches,” and Bonnie says “I’m a Salem witch…okay, we’re friends now,” and Elena is like, “mission accomplished,” and then the door bell rings and surprise! Damon and Caroline want to join the party and there’s this comedy bit where Damon can’t come in unless Elena invites him in so Stefan is like, “he has to leave actually,” and Damon’s like, “nuh-uh” and Stefan’s like, “yes-huh” and Caroline is like, “just come in already!” and Elena’s “yeah, come in I guess” and Damon wins, so Stefan makes a sad face.

"Damon always wins everything!"

"Damon always wins everything!"

Anyway, Damon and Caroline brought a bundt cake!

3 bundt

I’m pretty sure Damon is the one that picked it out at the grocery store. He was like, “trust me, everyone loves bundt. I served it to Mussolini once and he raved for months,” and Caroline was like, “that Oreo pie looks pretty good,” and Damon was like, “I SAID WE’RE GETTING A BUNDT AND THAT’S THAT!” So Caroline grabs the bundt and shuffles away to the checkout really fast and the two ladies that were shopping in the background saw the whole thing and they just give each other this look that says, “abusive relationship.” Abusive bundt relationship.

After enjoying the bundt everyone gathers in the living room where Damon says everyone he and Stefan ever loved has died all around them and then he tries to bring up Katherine again but Stefan glares at him really hard cuz that’s how he do. And to change the subject he does his John McCain impression.

3 john mccain

Elena and Damon bond over dishes and Damon tells her that Katherine died “in a fire, a tragic fire,” because not all fires are tragic.

"Can I eat you when my brother isn't looking?"

"Can I eat you when my brother isn't looking?"

3 dishes2

We also find out that Damon is glamouring Caroline to make her forget he is scary and also to make her wear a scarf because scarves are so in right now.

Later that night Elena and Stefan are totes making out on Elena’s bed and as she’s taking off his shirt he turns into Damon and this is so disgusting to Elena that she flies backward and screams.

It's...hideous

It's...hideous

What? If I was making out with a guy and he turned into Ian Somerhalder I wouldn’t be such a bitch about it. Get over it Elena! You were tricked into kissing Ian Somerhalder, boo fucking hoo!

Oh well, turns out its just a dream.

"I love it when you dream about me."

"I love it when you dream about me."

At the big football game the next night, Stefan gives Elena a necklace full of herbs. Whoa Stefan! This is only like your third time seeing Elena, maybe you should save your herb-filled necklaces for your first date? (next episode plug)

3 necklace

Meanwhile, Mini McQueen is all mopey because Vicki won’t screw him his parents died, so he gets drunk and gets into a fight with Douche. They are all rolling around and puching each other for reals when that stupid goody goody Stefan interferes and breaks it up, but not before his hand gets sliced with a broken liquor bottle (typical high school football game stuff). Elena sees Stefan’s hand get cut, but it heals really fast so Stefan is like, “not my blood, see” and he wipes his hand off and stares at Elena like she is stupid. Nice.

3 stefan's blood

3 no blood

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

Since Elena is sure she saw Stefan get cut she begins to think maybe Bonnie was right about him… then she goes to a very dark, very deserted parking lot for some reason, and you can guess who shows up. The King of Lonely and Confused Girls in Dark Places: Damon. He’s being all creepy regular and flirty but Elena ain’t havin’ none o’ dat so he tries to glamor her, but it doesn’t work! He wanted her to kiss him, but instead she slapped him!

Go go glamour eyeball

Go go glamour eyeball

Damon's bitch gets slapped

Damon's bitch gets slapped

WHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT?????? ELENA CAN RESIST GLAMOURING? SHE’S SOOOOOOO SUUUUUUUPER SPEEEEECIALLL!!!

Turns out, no, she’s not. It was just the herbs in her necklace that made glamouring not work on her.

After that Damon finds Stefan, and for some reason he basically tells him he tried to put the moves on Elena, and because Stefan is such a pussy he does nothing about it. He doesn’t even get mad. Pussy. He just says, “you still love Katherine; you’re human,” so Damon is like, “yeah, well human this!” because guess who shows up behind them:

3 dick

And Damon has to make a point that he is NOT HUMAN!

"That dickface looks mighty tasty"

"That dickface looks mighty tasty"

So the dickface teacher/coach is dead now, and as Bonnie looks at the crime scene she sees this:

3 8

3 14

3 22

And since those were the numbers she wouldn’t shut up about for the entire episode, she makes this face:

"Huh?!"

"Huh?!"

Maybe she really is pyschic. But I doubt it. I mean, that would be a little too crazy for this show!

For next week’s episode we’re all ‘invited to a party to die for’ (please tell me someone actually dies. DOUCHE! DIE PLEASE.) and Damon and Stefan are in a room with the ‘same people that killed Katherine’ and everyone notices that Caroline has bites marks all over her because scarves can only cover so much of your body.

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11 Responses to “friday night bundt”

  1. Lindsay a.k.a Busty St. Clair September 26, 2009 at 7:02 am #

    “This is what a douche looks like throwing a football”

    DEAD!!! I’m still giggling.

    I haven’t see this show but this recap seriously makes me wanna start.

    • itsfreckles September 26, 2009 at 8:51 am #

      Ha ha, I wonder if seeing it would make the recap make more sense or less. Probably less.

  2. Lauren September 27, 2009 at 12:49 am #

    Go go glamour eyeball had me in tears for at least five minutes, brilliant recap. You are amazingness

  3. Callie October 15, 2009 at 9:31 am #

    “Like he probably played football for the Jamestown Scarlet Fevers or something back in the Colonial Era when they were still using stillborn babies as the ball. And he was the best at it.”

    Funniest. Sentence. Ever. ]Will you be my friend? LMAO.

    • itsfreckles October 15, 2009 at 10:18 am #

      Thank you, and I love internet friends!

  4. lisa December 20, 2009 at 4:45 am #

    omg, I love it!

    it is really funny

    gratz!

  5. Lauraaa April 2, 2010 at 3:55 am #

    Abusive bundt relationship had me in stitches. Old ladies looking at me weirdly on the bus as I crack up at my iPhone. Freaking awesome!!!! Keep it up =D

  6. IWantYourSass September 8, 2010 at 2:11 pm #

    I know you’re dunzo with this site, but now that VD is on DVD, I’ve started to watch. Had to come back and read your recaps and I. Just. Died.

    Funniest thing ever. Are you thinking about doing season 2? Because seriously. I don’t think I can watch, if I don’t have these funny recaps to read after.

    • Rachel September 8, 2010 at 6:18 pm #

      Bonjour!

      You know, I’ve been kinda wishing I had a blog again lately, and I really am considering it…it’s just a pretty big commitment to do every week. I think if I did it I would have to do way less screen caps because those take forever. BUT I’m considering it…I’ll watch it tomorrow (I haven’t even seen the last 3 episodes!) and decide if it’s worth it. And I’ll probably just start a new blog. Ha! Thanks for the interest!

      Rachel

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