Archive | October, 2009

haunted halloween high school party

30 Oct

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The Vampire Diaries is back! Thank God, right? Where else am I going to get my vampire fix if the VD isn’t on every week? I have no idea! Its basically only a matter of time before this vampire thing catches on, am I right? But nothing will ever be as good as VD, duh.

The plot is moving right along (yes, there is a plot) and  the important things (yes, there are important things) that happened in the last episode that you need to remember are: Vicki ate the newscaster and is a vampire now. That’s basically it. The last episode sucked.

So this episode opens with Douche getting into his car late at night in an abandoned parking lot after his pilates class (one can only assume), and it turns out that Vicki was nice enough to wait for him! She even broke into his car so she could surprise him from the backseat! Then she tried to eat him! TRU LUV.

Then Capt. Boring comes along and breaks up the fun before Douche even gets nibbled on–just a little is all I’m asking!

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Why don't you let Vicki do what she wants, just this once?

Damon glamours Douche so he can go on living his douchey existence without remembering the one time his vampire girlfriend tried to eat him.

Everyone who cares about Vicki (her brother, Mini McQueen) are very worried about her because they don’t know where she is so her brother tries to text her:

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Yes, that is an arm hanging out of a locker. I guess I forgot to mention that this is the Halloween episode! Apparently, Spookyville High goes all out and actually decorates the halls and shit. My high school never did that, unless you call not cleaning up someone’s barf in the middle of a walkway a ‘decoration’.

Back at Chateau D’Vampire, Vicki is very whiny about being hungry and cooped up in the house and also having to pee. She is like “I’m a vampire, why do I have to pee?” IT’S PROBABLY FROM ALL THE CAFFIENE VAMPIRES DRINK SO THEIR SKIN DOESN’T FEEL COLD TO THE TOUCH.

coffee

Coffee: the reason why vampires have been able to blend in with humans for 500 years.

Stefan tries to get Vicki to drink squirriels because drinking humans is bad, but we all know Vicki ‘has problems’ and will pop open the first fresh neck she can find. Elena comes over for some reason and she is like “stay away from Mini, you are dangerous and will probably kill him,” and Vicki is like “you always hated me!” and chokes her while she tells her she will do whatever she wants.

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I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “What is going on with Bonnie?” WELL, she had a slumber party at her grandma’s house and learned all about being a witch and also the candle light is the best light.

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Unlike Bonnie, Grandma needs a lighter to light her candles.

Damon goes to the hip cafe to get more precious coffee, when he superhears Douche’s parents talking about how dumb the newscaster is for losing Elena’s pocket watch, and also for getting dead. “He is so dumb,” they say, “he is so dumb I’m glad he’s dead.”

You know what they say: douche beget douche. Or something. Also, Douche Mom is also worried about her weight:

"Waiter! We're out of Sweet 'n Low! I need like 20 more of these to make it taste like I used real sugar."

"Waiter! We're out of Sweet 'n Low--I'm going to need like 20 more if going to make it taste like real sugar!"

So now Damon knows who to target (target=kill) and everything is moving along very nicely for the vampire brothers. EXCEPT VICKI ESCAPES! And she somehow gets ahold of a vampire costume, if vampires dressed like idiots.

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Also, I’m pretty sure Halloween means you’re supposed to dress up as something you aren’t already–in fact, that is the POINT of Halloween! Also:

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BARF

While the teens are partying it up at a party held at school, Damon decides to chat up Douche Mom and get some intel before he kills her. Nice Damon! Using that brain!

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"All that Sweet 'n Low is really paying off."

Douche Mom is super drunk and she totes gives up so much important stuff:

  1. ‘the council’ (vampire hunterz) need more vervain (plant that protects them from mind control)
  2. ‘the council’ eliminated anyone who came to the rich white people party during the daytime (as did Stefan and Damon)
  3. she LOVES martinis and also flirting with guys who look way to young for her

Back at the school party, Elena finds out Vicki is there and she freaks out because she knows Vicki will find Mini and probably eat him. Vicki’s brother tries to be all “leave Vicki alone,” but Stefan is like, “ohnoyoudidn’t!”

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After (regretably) not killing drunk Douche Mom, Damon goes to the school party because of how he loves to satutory rape high schoolers. He sees Bonnie there, who is wearing his special jewel as a part of her witch costume (again–the point of Halloween!). He tries to take it back because its his, but Bonnie gets all witchy on his ass by making the jewel red hot, and it burns his vampire hand.

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This is the face he makes when touching a red hot jewel.

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"Huh?"

Then Bonnie runs away to her Grandma’s house to cry about how much her life sux. She’s always doing that. Running away, I mean. She makes that ‘huh’ face and then runs away in basically every episode.

Bonnie: “My life sux so much because I run away all the time.”

Everyone: “Then stop running away.”

Bonnie: “You don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

And then she runs away.

Back at the party, Vicki finds Mini and they start making out admist a bunch of yellow school buses:

7makeout

Vicki makes some kind of dumb excuse for having to leave Spookyville and then she implies that if Mini goes with her she’ll turn him into a vampire too except things get nutty when she accidently bites Mini’s lip. Pesky fangs– always getting in the way!

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Okay, so it wasn’t so much an ‘accident’ as it was an ‘on purpose’. Then she tries to eat him:

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Elena gets there just in time, and thank God she finished those night courses at the local community college, because what Mini needs right now medical attention.

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"Take this otherwordly fiend!"

Of course that doesn’t actually work, and Vicki picks Elena up and throws her into a pile of trash (metaphors?) and somehow she gets a side wound? YOU GOT THROWN 5 FEET INTO A PILE OF TRASH, NOT WOUNDED IN WW III: RISE OF THE VAMPYRES. Whatever, Elena, you weak!

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Stefan finally shows up (where was he, getting a latte?), and Vicki runs away. He tells Elena and Mini to flee while he checks under the buses for Vicki, and just as they are about to get away, Vicki shoves Mini out of the way and bites Elena. I am actually quite impressed with Elena’s screaming skillz, they are top notch. Very loud and dramatic, like screaming should be.

AND THEN STEFAN STAKES VICKI.

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Third time's a charm.

FINALLY. Please be acutally dead this time. Thank you.

On her way out, Elena runs into Vicki’s brother, who is like “Am I going to have to look after Vicki her whole life?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You already did that, because she is dead now! Good job, A+!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course Mini is all truamatized and upset whatever–I don’t care–so Elena is like, “please glamour him so he can be happy again, and by happy I mean still basically depressed because our parents just died” and we find out that Stefan ‘can’t do that’ because of his animals-only diet. I guess it makes a little less powerful. Makes sense. In this world of vampires and witches it makes sense. So Damon steps in to perform when Stefan is being all premature, since he eats people and is still powerful, and Elena is like GRATEFUL LOOK and we all know they are going to end up together. Because Stefan is a pussy.

Also, Bonnie has her very own sepia tone photo of herself that her grandma for some reason mistook as a far off relative named ‘Emily’ who was a witch living in 1864–the same year printed on Elena’s sepia toned photo of ‘Katherine’. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!

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NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE: Looks just as good as all the others. So basically THE BEST EVER.

Flashforward is still terrible

29 Oct

I’m pretty sure no one told Joseph Finnes that Flashforward is not a sequel to Shakespeare in Love.

jseph1

"What you gonna do about it? I cut you!"

Love Letter #3: Jeremy Davies

27 Oct

Dear Jeremy Davies,

You are basically my favorite. 

lost_daniel_faraday

"We have to get off this island... right now." YES I AGREE DANIEL FARADAY!

I didn’t think Lost could get any better, and then you turned up as a time traveling, tie-wearing, egg head. Who knew what Lost needed to be even better was a time traveling, tie-wearing, egg head? JEREMY DAVIES, THAT’S WHO (and probably some writers).

And how about your first film, Spanking the Monkey, where you played a character with a little bit of an Oedipal complex. Wait a minute…WHAT?! It’s okay Jeremy…you were only 23…nobody remembers that movie anyway…not even David O. Russell probably…

Oooo and Ravenous! I haven’t forgot you were in that too. YOU WERE SO PERFECT WHEN ROBERT CARLYLE ATE YOUR BRAINS (I assume).

And I haven’t forgotten about CQ, directed by Roman Coppola, which is memorable only because you didn’t have a mullet or facial hair and somehow you looked like a hipster.

"Under all that facial hair, I look like a boy."

Under all that facial hair, he is just a boy.

Then there’s Secretary. Oops, I think you just BLEW MY MIND.

"THE BABIES!"

"THE BABIES!"

Peter may not have gotten the girl, but one thing is for sure, he isn’t going to be squishing his grapes in no tightie-whities anymore! That dude has got to procreate at some point (please do not procreate).

Jeremy, please be in every movie ever made.

That is all.

Love, Freckles.

The A-Team Remake

25 Oct

theateam

In all honesty, this movie is probably going to be terrible, but I really really hope it isn’t. I don’t know anything about the original A-Team, nor do I care to, but I love Sharlto Copley. He was perfect as Wikus “Get your fokkin’ tentacle out of my face!” Van Der Merwe in District 9, and I am so happy to see he is going to be in another movie. But I don’t want him to be in a terrible movie. Please!

It does have some potential though, since Bradley Cooper is in it, and Liam Neeson. The other guy is a UFC fighter. Huh? Nevermind. SHARLTO COPLEY. And the director also made Smokin’ Aces, which I thought was kinda bad, but it did have some artistic integrity. I think? I could be wrong about that.

Anyway, I just hope it’s not too terrible, and that Sharlto gets to keep his South African accent because it is the fokkin’ best ever.

Paranormal Activity: BOO!

22 Oct

paranormal_activity_poster

I’ve been hearing loads about how Paranormal Activity is the scariest shiz since Tyra Banks, and when it opened in my area I thought I’d give it a go (also I was on a date and it wasn’t my choice). 

I’m not exactly a horror fan; I can’t even remember the last contemporary horror flick I saw (it was probably The Others with Nicole Kidman or something equally old). Paranormal had a slow build with a bunch of little creep outs (banging noises, footsteps, shadows) that soon became a bunch of big creep outs. The actors, or non-actors if you will, were pretty good, and everyone who saw District 9 knows that sometimes non-actors make the best actors. The relationship seemed realistic, and both characters were likable, though sometimes Micah’s “I’m a man, I’ll take care of it” bullshit was a bit annoying. Stop it, Micah. Just call Johann the German demonologist already.

While I enjoyed this film a lot as a non-horror type, it isn’t exactly a must-see that I’ll recommend to people who aren’t really into it. But if you’re looking for something creepy this Halloween, DO IT.

Treasure Island music festival 2009!

19 Oct

treasure island

I was there. Just for Sunday though; the day with some of my favorite bands: Grizzly Bear, Beirut, the Walkmen. So basically, it was the best day. This was my first festival, even though when it comes to concerts I’ve been around the block so to speak (I am a concert whore), so I was pretty excited. The location was beautiful: a man-made island in the San Francisco bay. It was a bit cold (obvs) but that was remedied by the intense sardine-like way all the assholes who attended this event shoved their bodies up against me to get closer to the stage. Like I said, I’ve been to a few concerts in my time, and I have never been jostled and shoved about by so many mother-effing assholes at all the single shows combined than I was at Treasure Island. Treasure Island attendees–WATCH YO SELF! YOU WERE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES!

Now that I got that out of the way, the music! Oh the music! It was wonderful. Grizzly Bear was up first.

grizzly

grizz

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They sounded amazing, as I knew they would, except the bass was turned up a wee bit too much. And by wee bit, I mean I think I am permanently deaf now. During “Southern Point” everyone standing around me basically looked at each other in a collective “Holy mother of God that is loud” moment, and several people plugged their ears.

Then came Beirut.

beirut 2

beirut

beirut4

They were nothing short of amazing, duh. My friend and I moved out of the ocean of assholes to feel less violated, so we didn’t have the best view (not that we did up close either, we are both short) but they still sounded great. Not to mention they had a tuba solo. A TUBA SOLO.

Lastly, The Walkmen played.

Treasure Island 027

Treasure Island 018

Treasure Island 066

I had the most fun watching them, probably because I was all the way up against the barrier! So close I could caress Paul Maroon’s sweater-and-collar shirt ensemble. They were much more lively than the last time I saw them, and they played new songs, which is all one can hope for at a live show. I danced a bit, sang a bit and had a great time.

There was a chick behind me who was also having a great time, if you call being a crazy-ass bitch ‘having a great time.’ She had platnium blonde braided pigtails, some kind of sherpa-lined pink suede jacket and a white (p)leather purse. It’s probably (is) rude to judge someone based on their looks, but when they are also screaming things like, “Come over to my house” and “Fuck us” (God knows who the ‘us’ was that she was referring to; maybe she has more than one vagina?), dancing like party boy, and fist pumping (more than once I thought I was going to take one in the back of the head), its kind of hard not think “What are you doing here? This is not a Bon Jovi concert.”

It is a fact that The Walkmen have some crazy-ass bitch fans. When I saw them at the Fillmore in January some girl threatened to jump my friend after the show because she wouldn’t let her cut in front of her. The Walkmen, you should work on that. By that, I mean stop having so many crazy-ass bitch fans.

So The Flaming Lips also performed, but we had had a long day, it was cold, and the Decemberists and Yo La Tenga were up before them (which we didn’t care about) so we left early. I don’t particularly like The Flaming Lips, but they put on some insane live shows. Here is what we missed:

flaming l

flaming

I think the pictures are sufficent. Anyway, it was a good day and I bought one of the best band tees I have ever seen:

The three-eyed cat. It should be on every shirt.

The three-eyed cat. (This is not me. This is the Grizzly Bear guitarist).

So if you see anyone wearing that around town, say HI! You never know, it might be me!

p.s.: The only pictures I took were of The Walkmen, the others I found on Flickr.

Sufjan Stevens: The BQE!

18 Oct

So I know the Internet doesn’t know me, but if it did, it would probably have its ear talked off about my obession with Sufjan Stevens. I LOVE THAT MAN. His music is so whimsical it makes Wes Anderson look like a WWE Wrestler named Ginger Balzac.  

She once wrote a letter to me on Hello Kitty stationary. It was weird.

"She once wrote a letter to me on Hello Kitty stationary. It was weird."

His newest offering, The BQE, is a 40 minute long music/visual experience that Asthmatic Kitty describes as “cinematic suite inspired by the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway and the Hula-Hoop.” Yes, the hula-hoop.  DO SOMETHING MORE WHIMSICAL THAN THAT, WES ANDERSON!

White pants: more sexual than you thought.

I just got the special edition in the mail the other day and I was so happy I shit my pants (I did not shit my pants). It comes with a ‘state of the art compact disc’, a DVD, a comic book and also–ALSO!–a Viewmaster reel. Too bad my mom gave that shit away when I turn eight.

A whimsical treasure trove

A whimsical treasure trove

Watch the trailer!

You can listen to a movement and pre-order it here or wait until October 20th for it to hit stores.