family ties: ye olde love triangle

2 Oct

title

Sad news, you guys:

4 found dead

 j/k! The CW would never do that to their most popular show since Popular!  You’re so gullible! lolololololololol

Let’s get this started for reals:

This whole episode centers around a rich white people (and Bonnie) party that everyone is going to and is excited about it. Elena asks Stefan to go with her (he’s like, “oh they still do that? I mean- I went to the first one in 1809- wait! I mean- I’ve never heard of it”) and Caroline asks Damon, and Bonnie is going by herself because there is not a third vampire brother.

But first Elena wakes up in the middle of the night and she thinks she hears something downstairs so she goes to investigate and guess who? Yep, it’s just Cool Aunt getting a midnight snack. Kidding! Cool Aunt has every right to be downstairs getting a snack in her own house so that would be stupid. It’s actually Damon. Elena sees him and screams and Damon is like, “you know it’s coming in,” and Elena is like, “huh?” and then she rubs her hair into her face to make Damon go away.

Then Stefan wakes up and we find out it was just a dream he was having because Damon planted it in his brain. Damon is like, “since you don’t drink human blood it is very easy to get in your head; also you are a pussy.” Normally, Stefan would accept that and try to move on, but he is very angry so he throws a knife at Damon’s tummy. Damon returns the favor.

4 knife

"TAYLOR SWIFT!"

"TAYLOR SWIFT stab in the stomach!"

After Stefan recovers he goes to Elena’s house where they make out but Stefan can’t handle it.

naughty teen (and 400 year old vampire) make-put session!

naughty teen (and 400 year old vampire) make-out session!

4 hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Think of hitting the mail man!"

"I guess my bod is just too hot."

"I guess my bod is just too hot."

Elena, he just wants to drink your blood. Not your milkshake.

Apparently, when Spookyville has a big party it is a thing to ‘donate’ your family heirlooms so they can be put on display and all the other rich white people (and Bonnie) can look at it and say, “that shit is old and expensive, but not as old and expensive as our shit” and then everyone is just comparing their old expensive shit like its a thing people care about. It’s not.

Anyway, Elena is going to donate some of her dead parent’s stuff including a pocketwatch that Mini McQueen wants because he is the first born son blah blah. Shut it Mini, no one cares about you. So Mini steals the watch because he is so smart and then Elena figures it out because she is so smarter. Instead of donating the watch like she promised Elena lets Mini keep it because he’s so sad.

4 pocketwatch

At the local hip cafe, Caroline and Bonnie are having lunch and Caroline says she will share some very secret scerets about the Salvatore bros. with Bonnie so long as she doesn’t tell anyone.

"My hair is full of secrets."

"My hair is full of secrets."

Right after lunch Bonnie tells Elena everything. Turns out, during ye olde love triangle between Katherine and the brothers, Katherine picked Damon, not Stefan! UNEXPECTED TWIST! And Stefan went all nuts and psychologically tormented Katherine until she turned against Damon and liked him better. MAYBE STEFAN IS THE REAL ASSHOLE BROTHER?! (Because there can only be one asshole brother. NATURE!)

Also: while Caroline is trying on her dress for the party, Damon is lounging on her bed and reading Twilight and making fun of itWho’s that joke for? That joke is not for me because Twilight is the best thing since GOOP! (Call me Gwyneth! I’m really interested in your advice on how to be an asshole who thinks she can raise other people’s kids better than they can! xoxo) 

"it's liek, so kewl"

"it's liek, so kewl"

And: Mini McQueen something something Vicki. No one cares.

"Why is my character so dumb?"

"Why is my character so dumb?"

Then: Stefan and Damon’s nephew (whose name I don’t know so I’ll just call him Tony Turtleneck because of how he is Italian and wears tutlenecks), confronts Damon by saying, “why are you here?” and Damon responds by choking him and then storming out.  

"This'll teach you, you turtleneck wearing freak!"

"This'll teach you, you turtleneck wearing freak!"

Stefan shows up and is like, “I saw he was choking you but I didn’t do anything about it because I am a pussy.” Tony Turtleneck sputters in agreement.

When Tony Turtleneck has recovered from his neck being choked, he has the brilliant idea that they should poison Damon with the same herb that is in Elena’s necklace. Because it is bad for vampires I guess. Verbeen? Vervene? I don’t know. Anyway, Stefan is like, “but Damon destroyed all the verbeen that ever grew in Spookyville when we were here last time.” LOL. Can’t you just see Damon on his knees in the dirt with his straw hat and Crocs pulling weeds? I can.

"Just destroying verbeen, nothing to see here."

"Just destroying verbeen, nothing to see here."

So Tony Turtleneck is like, “wait till you see what I have growing in the basement” and Stefan is like, “this is no time to smoke a doobie,” and Tony Turtleneck is like, “just follow me” and they go down to a secret room in the basement where Tony Turtleneck is growing a whole patch of Verbeen for just in case his 400 year old vampire uncles come back to wreak havoc on the town they grew up in. Just in case.

"It's either verbeen, or lavender. I guess we'll find out."

"It's either verbeen, or lavender. I guess we'll find out."

Stefan tries to trick Damon into drinking some verbeen by spiking his scotch (vampires drink scotch, bet you didn’t know that!) but it doesn’ t work because Damon ain’t no fool. But Stefan’s eyebrows tell us he has another plan…

Vampires new learned how to properly drink from glasses.

Vampires never learned how to properly drink from glasses.

"I have thought of a back up. It's a good one."

"I have thought of a back up. It's a good one."

Finally we get to the party! SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. It turns out Douche’s parents are the ultimate rich white people since they own the olde time Southern mansion the big party is being held at.

The Douche Family Mansion.

The Douche Family Mansion.

Douche lives up to expectations by sneaking Vicki round the back because she is too ‘common’ and not ‘douchey’ enough for his parents.

"Just doin' how I do."

"Just doin' how I do."

 Inside, Cool Aunt runs into her ex. He is a newscaster. Yuck.

White suit. No.

White suit. No.

Elena and Stefan look at all the donated shit. Here is some rich asshole’s collection of antique silver pitchers:

The card reads: "These lovely silver pitchers belong to Rich Asshole #52."

The card reads: "These lovely silver pitchers belong to Rich Asshole #52."

And Elena finds the ‘original guest resgistry’ and surprise! guess who’s on the list?

4 guest registry

Damon and Caroline sneak up and Damon is like, “that’s the original Salvatore brothers,” and Caroline is like, “I’m bored. Stefan dance with me now” and Stefan obeys because he is a pussy. Then Damon tells Elena the story of the original Salvatore bros: they were brutually shot while trying to save the woman they both loved from a church that was about to be burned to the ground. And Elena is like, “that does not in anyway sound familiar,” and then she goes and dances with Stefan but she gets mad at him when he won’t tell her anything about his past and she storms off. THEIR FIRST TIFF! MARK IT IN YOUR 16 MONTH “FOR THE LOVE OF KITTENS” CALENDARS!

Bonnie is hanging out all by herself because she is the only black person there bad at small talk? Anyway, and candle next to her gets blown out so she tries out her witch skillz.

4 candle out

4 stare

4 candle on

4 huh

Damon goes back into the rich white people’s antiques room and gets an antique that is his (from a 100 years ago) and opens a secret compartment to get some jewel he really wanted.

"It really brings out my eyes."

"It really brings out my eyes."

Now Bonnie is just hanging out in the dining room watching Mrs. Douche yell at the waitstaff to light all the candles. BONNIE: DO YOUR THING!

4 candle

4 too much!

Meanwhile, Elena goes into the bathroom to pout and she see Caroline in there too and then she starts pulling on Caroline’s clothes to see all the bite marks on her.

4 BITE

Then Elena goes to tell Stefan about it and Stefan is like, “I’m not too worried about it,” then he sees Damon dragging Caroline out of the party so he ditches Elena and follows them. Damon decides he’s had enough of Caroline (finally, she’s annoying) so he decides to kill her. He bites her neck really good, but then he goes all stiff and falls down.

"I guess I am a co-ed that can get roofied."

"I guess I am a co-ed that can get roofied."

Stefan tells Damon he knew he would never drink the spiked scotch so instead he spiked Caroline! LOL. He put some verbeen in Caroline’s champagne, and then Damon drank it from Caroline’s blood stream. (Verbeen isn’t harmful to humans. I don’t think.) So Stefan descreetly drags Damon’s body off and locks him in the basement, leaving Caroline by herself as she cries and is basically tramatized for the rest of her life.

"When I have a plan, I have a plan."

"When I have a plan, I have a plan."

At the very end, all the rich white people who are also important (policewoman, Douche’s parents, newscaster) get together and talk about how they need Elena’s dad’s pocketwatch because there are “5 bodies drained of blood. We’re going to need it.” OH SHIT STEFAN WATCH YO SELF!

Oh, and at some point Vicki realizes that Douche is a douche so she leaves him to go screw console Mini McQueen. And I still don’t care.

The next episode previews were the worst ever for actually saying anything that happens other than Damon is locked in the basement and HE IS ANGRY!

 

A big thank you to my friend over at http://anewjournalist.wordpress.com/ for making the awesome photoshop pic (I bet you thought it was real!) of Damon gardening.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “family ties: ye olde love triangle”

  1. volchok October 4, 2009 at 3:22 pm #

    you make hilarious reviews.

  2. Mel October 8, 2009 at 8:36 pm #

    Vampires never learned how to properly drink from glasses.

    LMAAAAAAAAAAAO @ that caption and the shot it goes along with.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: