You're A Miley Cyrus Fan to Me

10 Oct

title

So it turns out Stefan has more balls than I thought.

Remember in the last episode how he drugged Damon and then locked him in a dungeon in the basement of their vampire chic castle? Well Damon asks Stefan what he’s going to do with him and Stefan says he going to wait for him to dry out and shrivel up, then he’s going to put him in the family tomb for 50 years until they can have a rational conversation.

Pussy don’t got no pity!

Locked in the closet.

"I could be killing Caroline right now." LET HIM OUT STEFAN.

While Stefan is torturing Damon in his lavender filled basement, Elena is SO upset because she can’t think of what to write in her diary. Boo hoo! It’s SO HARD when you can’t know every little thing about a person you’ve been dating for two weeks! And then she goes into the bathroom and finds Vicki in there brushing her teeth. And I BARFED.

Do you hear that sound? That is me BARFING.

Do you hear that sound? That is me BARFING.

Yuck Mini McQueen, yuck. I really hope either Vicki or Mini gets killed by the end of this episode.*

At breakfast Elena and Cool Aunt talk about how Stefan hasn’t called in three days (why God, why?) and how Cool Aunt is going on a date with the newscaster who cheated on her. Because that is a good idea.

Stefan and his uncle (whose name is actually Zach, not Tony Turtleneck, unfortunately), have pretty much the exact same conversation, except theirs is more about how Stefan needs to try and blend in with humans more, because of how he is a vampire.

At Caroline’s house, she is telling Bonnie how she doesn’t remember Damon trying to kill her at the rich white people party, or basically anything to do with Damon. Bonnie ignores her and tries to light a candle with her mind because that is much more interesting.

"And I can't even remember where I put my lingerie from Forever 21. Life Sux!"
“I can’t even remember where I put my lingerie from Forever 21. Life sux!”
"Candle, you're my only true friend."

"Candle, you're my only true friend."

Oh, and Caroline is coordinating some kind of stripper car wash. Or something. I guess almost being murdered doesn’t change a person much.

At school, Stefan sees Elena for the first time in four days and he explains that he was “dealing with Damon” which means “locking him in my basement” and Elena is like “for four days?” and I think she has a valid question there because really, how long does it take to lock your bloodthirsty Italian vampire brother in the basement anyway? One day? Two days tops, probably. Stefan really does suck (lolololololololololololol) at everything he does.

Stefan promises to explain everything to Elena at a cafe after school because of how a public place is the best place to explain to your girlfriend that you are a mythical creature. Then Caroline comes up and demands to know where Damon is and Stefan is like, “he’s definitely not locked in a dungeon in my basement slowly dying, he’s just…not coming back” and Caroline is sad for some reason?

5 sad

Why don’t you just go coordinate your stripper car wash at the high school you attend and stop being so sad about the guy who drank your blood all the time. Because HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. (I bet that is one of her fav movies).

Back at the Salvatore castle house, Zach can hear Damon coughing in the basement so he goes down there and is like, “I’m sorry to see you go…NOT” and Damon is like “I’m going to choke you through the barred window of the dungeon door you have in the basement for some reason” and it’s the second time in like five days that Damon has choked him.

"How many time do I have to tell you how much I HATE turtlenecks?"

"How many time do I have to tell you how much I HATE turtlenecks?"

Then Stefan comes in and stops Damon before he kills Zach, which makes him late for his ‘explain everything’ date with Elena. When he gets there, Elena is all mad and then some old dude comes up to Stefan and is like “I know you…” and Stefan is like “I doubt it” and the old man is like “you haven’t aged a day” and Elena is like “WHATWHATWHAT” with her eyebrows and Stefan is like “time to go.”

5 old man

"I know you."

5 elena eyebrows

"Why would you know someone SO OLD? Something must be up..."

Then Elena goes home and writes in her diary about how all of her instincts are telling her to stay away from Stefan BUT SHE JUST CAN’T RESIST HIS EYEBROWS. Um, so that’s pretty much TWO THIRDS of the female characters going after guys that are are either abusive or douchey or a newscaster even when they ‘know its wrong but just can’t help it’.

Really trying to reach those preteens aren’t ya, CW?

Then stuff happens that I don’t care about but is a plot point: Caroline’s mom and the newscaster talk about how they can’t find the vampires anywhere, they reveal they don’t know about the sunlight blocking rings and the newscaster is basically dating Cool Aunt so he can get the pocketwatch from Mini.

Back to Elena and stuff we care about (I think?), she’s just laying on her bed all depressed and whatnot and then she goes downstairs and finds Stefan cooking an authentic Italian meal for her. Huh? I’m confused. Did Stefan forget he is a vampire and doesn’t eat human food? Or does he? I still don’t understand the vampire rules for this show.

Oh well, as we all know Italian cooking heals all wounds and Stefan wins Elena back by telling her the whole story about Catherine (which is nothing we didn’t already know) and also that he likes Miley Cyrus. I’m not surprised.

"I luv u 2 Stefan!!!!1!!!"

"I luv u 2 Stefan!!!!1!!!"

OH, and then Elena cuts her finger chopping up cheese or something because she is clumsyclumsyclumsy (I though we were distancing ourselves from Twilight…no?) and Stefan’s face gets all hungry and Elena sees it in the reflection of the mirror and she is like “what’s wrong with your face?” and there’s this comedy bit where she keeps trying to look over Stefan’s shoulder and he turns just enough to block her.

5 yum

5 huh.

5 left

"I just probably...

5 right

...have something...

5 forward

...in my eye?"

Meanwhile, Damon is wallowing in his own filth (one can only assume) in the basement dungeon and he uses his super mind powers to talk to Caroline and also appear in her bedroom while she is on the phone.

5 damon in my room

“What’s wrong Caroline?”

“Nothing…I thought I saw my ex-boyfriend who used to drink my blood standing the corner of my room, but I was just imagining it. No biggie.”

And when she goes to bed we see that she has Damon’s favorite jewel hanging off a coat rack and it makes this symbol in the light:

5 damon's jewel

Mini McQueen and his new lady friend Vicki go into the woods where her awesome friends are hanging out and doing drugs and drinking (SCANDAL!) and Mini is down for awhile and then he has an epiphany and is like “we don’t have to be high all the time” and Vicki is like “that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard” and she basically dumps him.

"I'm poor, therefore being high is my only choice. It's called TRUTH."

"I'm poor, therefore being high is my only choice. It's called TRUTH."

“ENOUGH OF THAT DEPRESSING SHIT, I WANT A SEXY STRIPPER CARWASH!” That is what fans of The Vampire Diaries are all thinking, and The CW has given it to them:

5 sexy 1

5 sexy car

Caroline is running it and she basically tells Elena she is not slutty enough and she must take off her sweater if she wants to be a part of this fundrasier (oh I forgot its a fundrasier). And Bonnie has to deal with some girl who is a bitch to some guy who has a shitty car that she doesn’t want to wash. So as the girl is filling up a bucket with water, Bonnie does this:

5 explosion

Water 'splode in your face!

Haha, Bonnie is the best. And then that same girl makes her sweep the pavement (I still don’t understand why you would need to sweep up after a car wash) and Bonnie does this:

"You want me to sweep? Well..."

"You want me to sweep?"

"TAKE THAT!"

"SWEEP THIS, BITCH!"

Bonnie really hates sweeping.

Elena tells Caroline they are out of towels and ‘those shimmie things’ (ShamWOW is what you mean, Elena) so Caroline goes into the school where they have a closet full of towels and shimmies and then Damon’s super mind power reaches out to her so she goes to to their castle house to save him.

5 save hi,

She finds Damon in the dungeon and he tells her to open it so she does, and then Zach runs down like “NOOOOO!” and Damon gets out and snaps his neck and chases Caroline around the house but the hall rug defeats him.

"Run Caroline! I'll stall him!" (That is what the rug is saying.)

"Run Caroline! I'll stall him!" (That is what the rug is saying.)

Then Caroline runs outside and Damon tries to follow her but he doesn’t have his sunlight blocking ring on!

Fire hurts.

Bursting into flame hurts.

Back at the sexy stripper car wash, Elena runs into the same old guy who thought he knew Stefan and she turns into Nancy Drew and asks him questions. She finds out the old guy used to have a room at the Salvatore boarding house and there were two brothers named Stefan and Damon living there and their uncle was killed by a wild animal. Sound familiar? And then Elena is like, “how come I never heard about this?” and the old guy is like “probably because it happened in 1953. JUNE 1953. That’s 1953, in case you didn’t hear me.” So Elena goes to the news station with the newscaster who cheated on Cool Aunt and looks at an old news reel about the uncle’s death and she sees this in the background:

5 olde time stefan

1953 Stefan

She also finds these:

5 stefan 2

5 stefan

5 stefan 1

5 stefan 3

This blows Elena’s mind so much she goes home and stares at herself in the mirror and is like “think Elena, THINK”

"C'mon brain, you can do it..."

"C'mon brain, you can do it..."

And then it happens just like it does in real life when someone figures something out, there’s a whoosh and then a memory pops up: Stefan and Damon’s names on the original guest registry at the rich white people party. Whoosh! 1953 Stefan. Whoosh! Stefan’s hand healing after getting cut at the football game. Whoosh! Weird eye darkening thing Stefan does whenever there’s blood. Whoosh! Caroline has bite marks all over her body. Whoosh! Vicki was bit on the neck and says it was a vampire…

5 vampire

 STEFAN IS A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While Elena gets a headache from all that thinking, Damon leaves the house (it is darktime) and finds Vicki and her awesome friends at their drug party in the woods, and when Vicki goes to get something out of the truck by herself (more drugs probably) Damon is there acting all sick and he is like “come here, I have something to tell you” and Vicki is like “I hope its something to do with drugs” and then Damon bites her.

"It's alright Vicki, just relax..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"It's alright Vicki, just relax..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then Stefan finds out that Damon has escaped and Zach is dead…

Aw, Stefan is so sad right now.

Aw, Stefan is so sad right now.

So he decides its time to take extreme measures and he goes into the basement and opens a box where he keeps his wood stakes for just in case:

5 stake!

He runs through the house and when he opens the door Elena is standing there and she says the same thing I ask myself every time I see Lady Gaga: “WHAT ARE YOU?” 

And THE END.

R.I.P. Vicki. You will not be missed.

R.I.P. Vicki. You will not be missed.

R.I.P. Zach. I will miss your sweater.

R.I.P. Zach. I will miss your sweater.

In the next episode Stefan tells Elena he is a vampire and Elena cries and screams and probably poops her pants. Also, Damon is back and extra mad AND there’s flashbacks! YES DAMON WEARS A BOWLER HAT–IT WAS 1891, DON’T JUDGE!

5 bowler

5 buddies

What the hell is Stefan looking at? He's such a weirdo.

5 football!

This is going to be the best episode yet! (And by best I mean worst.)

 

*Thank you Damon.

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4 Responses to “You're A Miley Cyrus Fan to Me”

  1. yapplebee October 10, 2009 at 8:23 pm #

    I am so pumped for Damon and Stefan’s 1860s costume romp. I really like your screengrabs… but I love your Photoshopped pictures of Stefan’s March Through History the most. And I’m glad that somebody else is confused about the Vampire Rules of Eating on this show. Keep up the good work!

    • itsfreckles October 10, 2009 at 9:57 pm #

      Thank you for the compliment on the photoshops, but I have to give that honor to my roommate who did them for me. She is far more talented in the photoshopping department!

      And I really wish they would clear up the whole eating food stuff, otherwise we’re about to have another Being Human situation!

  2. yapplebee October 11, 2009 at 9:50 am #

    I was ready for “Being Human” to be my favorite thing ever, but ten minutes in when the vampire ate the pizza and the ghost was… visible to everyone and making tea… I had to turn it off.

    • itsfreckles October 12, 2009 at 2:15 pm #

      I gave Being Human a full run (only 6 episodes! or 8? something) and I think it was worth it. There were only a few minor annoyances (and ridculousnesses); overall I actually enjoyed it a lot.

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