Annoying Girls

16 Oct

title

Son of a Bitch.

Vicki isn’t dead. I hate my life.

UGH UGH DOUBLE UGH on this episode.

I just watched it and yet I basically remember nothing. It is like Damon glamoured me and then drank my blood but for some reason–SOME BULLSHIT FUCKING REASON–I didn’t die.

Nevertheless, because I am a shining princess of kindness and generosity and also beauty, I shall do my best to recap.

So the episode starts out where we left off when Stefan opens the door and Elena is standing there and she is like “what r u? WHAT R U?????” and Stefan narrows his eyes and he’s like “I have no idea what ur talking about…” HAHA–just kidding! How stupid do you think Stefan is? He actually says “I AM A VAMPIRE” because that is his automatic response whenever anyone asks him what he is. Then Elena is like, “I should not have come here” even though she used all her brain muscles to figure out that he was a vampire like an hour ago. She is dumb.

Meanwhile, Damon is in the woods setting shit on fire and talking on his celluar telephone like a normal vampire and Vicki is there and she is not dead. Where is a gun when you need one? Because Vicki is not dead and I need a gun to make her stop being on this show.

I'M ALIVE AND JUST AS ANNOYING

I'M ALIVE AND JUST AS ANNOYING

So Elena runs home to cry about how Stefan is scary now and then Stefan sneaks into her house uninvited to prove her wrong and for some reason Elena does not like that. 

"You are going to hear what I have to say even if I have to beat you."

"You are going to hear what I have to say even if I have to comically smoosh your face into this door."

Stefan is like “don’t tell anyone I am a vampire, it is already bad that you know” and Elena is like “just go” and it basically parallels the scene at the end of Flipper when Elijah is like “just go” to Flipper and then he points to the horizon and it is very dramatic because Elijah doesn’t really want Flipper to just go but he knows it is for the best.

FLIPPER-boat-7

And then the next thing we know Stefan and Elena are having breakfast at a cafe because Stefan is a vampire but Elena still needs her blueberry streusel muffin and caramel macchiato to start the day like she does every morning. You can’t just abandon everything that makes you you just because your boyfriend turns out to be a vampire, you know?

"I just feel weird all day if I don't have my coffee!"

"I just feel weird all day if I don't have my coffee!"

And then Elena commences to interrogate Stefan so we can get the vampire rulez straight:

  1. Sunlight? “We have rings that protect us”
  2. Crucifixes? “Decorative”
  3. Holy water? “Drinkable”
  4. Mirrors? “Myth”
  5. He also drinks animal blood instead of human blood; eats garlic; calls glamouring ‘mind complusion’

First of all, RINGS DO NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE SUNLIGHT and second, I like ‘glamour’ better. True Blood, you finally earned something other than my angry face:

"Why is Evan Rachel Wood so terrible?"

"Why is Evan Rachel Wood so terrible?"

Out in the woods where Damon was having his bonfire earlier in the episode, the policewoman and the newscaster are investigating because it turns out Damon killed all of Vicki’s drug friends and then burned the bodies. The policewoman knows it was a vampire that did it because “you only burn bodies to hide the cause of death” and “there are no shell casings.” THEREFORE VAMPIRE. Someone give this woman a medal and promotion!

Since it is daytime and Damon doesn’t have his sunlight-blocking ring, he is stuck in his mansion with Vicki, who he brought along with him. Why? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY???!!! Sometimes the questions I ask are so profound they simply cannot be answered.

So they listen to 80’s music and drink each other’s blood (yuck Vicki, and I don’t care that you were glamoured into it) and dance and trash the house and it is fun. Until Damon snaps Vicki’s neck. 

fun?

fun?

fun!

fun!

 

fun?

fun?

the most fun!

the most fun!

Except we all know she’s not really dead because bitch can’t die.  

AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE SALVATORE BROS. FAMILY HISTORY. HERE YOU GO:

Just kidding! It wasn’t near as entertaining as that! Turns out the bros were BFF in the 1800s until some skank named Katherine Pierce (vampire pun!) came along and ruined everything. By fucking Stefan.

6 slag

6 slaggy

Totes didn’t see that one coming! (That is a joke. Everyone saw it coming.)

The flashbacks were incredibly boring considering how hilariously bad they should have been. They didn’t even get into Damon’s transformation from sassy human to sassy vamp and I have no idea why anyone would be obsessed with Katherine. Oh wait, it must be because she plays football with the boys, speaks her mind and giggles. A lot. That has never been done before I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHY SHE IS SO GODDAMN ALLURING.  

Basically, the flashbacks taught me that Katherine was really just some weirdo vampire with a brother fetish and now she is dead.

The vampire hunterz make a vampire compass out of Elena’s parent’s watch and they decide to go look for the vampire(s) late at night in the woods with some wooden bullets. Good idea!

Hopefully you can protect people from teeth in neck. I doubt it.

I hope this compass can protect people from being bitten in the neck. So does newscaster.

Back at Damon’s, Vicki wakes up (of course) and he tells her she has to “feed in order to complete the process [of becoming a vampire]” because this show hates me and wants Vicki to be immortal. (fuck you show!) So Vicki puts her pants on and goes to Elena’s house and everyone thinks she is high because she has the munchies and the light hurts her eyes. Then she freaks out big time and shoves Mini McQueen into the sofa with her newfound super strength. Stefan glamours her and tells her to go take a nap but that doesn’t work and she ends up running away and Stefan follows her after he tells Elena she is turning into a vampire.

When Stefan catches up with Vicki in the woods he tells her that she has to feed on human blood or she will die. She is all distraught and says “I don’t wanna die” and Stefan pats her on the head like, “well…” and then he is shot in the chest with a wooden bullet by the newscaster.

"My favorite conflower blue shirt, goddammit!"

"My favorite conflower blue shirt, goddammit!"

Damon shows up just in time to bite the newscaster before he stakes Stefan, and it is a touching display of brotherly love until Damon demands his rings back before pulling the bullet out of Stefan’s chest. And then Vicki gets confused and eats the newscaster.

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

And then Elena dumps Stefan. Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I have the suckiest life evr!!!!!!!!"

"I have the suckiest life evr!!!!!!!!"

I guess there isn’t an episode on next week, so to help you get through two weeks of Vampire Diaries-less hell, here you go:

ElijahCap_lg

"Only two weeks, you can do it guys!"

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3 Responses to “Annoying Girls”

  1. olivia October 17, 2009 at 9:44 am #

    lmao you’re great =D especially about the vicki part: bitch won’t die XD

  2. mary October 21, 2009 at 6:28 pm #

    ur are by far the funniest person ever! “they decide to go look for the vampire(s) late at night in the woods with some wooden bullets. Good idea!” , “I hope this compass can protect people from being bitten in the neck. So does newscaster.”, “So Elena runs home to cry about how Stefan is scary now and then Stefan sneaks into her house uninvited to prove her wrong” LMFAO!!!- keep posting ur doing a great job : )

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