the turning point

11 Dec

Its been awhile, so here’s a brief recap of what’s happened thus far: Stefan has decided to leave Spookyville and Elena behind; Douchecaster is a vampire now; hothothot vampire Alaric Saltzman has rolled into town and is putting the moves on Mini and Cool Aunt; Damon has his panties in a twist because his plan to release Katherine from her buried-beneath-a-church grave was foiled by Bonnie/Emily, who he then bit in the neck; Mini McQueen has become a total nerd.

And now, moving on to bigger and brighter things, no doubt! Newest episode IGNITE!

The scene opens on Elena’s house. There is a ring at the door, and Cool Aunt opens it to reveal…Douchecaster!

He is like “hey, I’m basically a huge asshole, want to invite me in (because I am a vampire now and I want to eat your blood)” and FOR ONCE Cool Aunt is like “um, no?” and Douchecaster is like “but I thought you were easy” so Aunt shuts the door in his face. YAY one self esteem point for Cool Aunt! Finally!!! Besides, she doens’t need Douchecaster anymore, now that she has a way hothothot guy

"Me?"

yes, you, to invite himself into her house now. 

Feeling all rejected and extra hungry, Douchecaster eats a passing jogger. Sweaty!

The next morning, Mini finally decides to go through his parent’s old stuff that everybody wants so bad, and he finds a diary that his great-grandfather probably wrote that says things like “I’m afraid of the nighttime because that is when bad things come out.” It also has a bunch of drawings in it:

So Mini’s great-grandfather is either afraid of vampires or monkey cats that wear bowlers. Also, this song is playing in the background:

Because there’s nothing better than listening to a semi-uplifiting piano ballad about hope for the future when you’re reading your great-grandfather’s diary about how terrified he is of mythical creatures? Whatever. Mini is so inspired by monkey cats in bowlers that he starts drawing “again”, because apparently he used to draw a lot and it is a big deal?

Meanwhile, over at the vampire chic mansion, Stefan quizzes Damon about where he’s going to live when they both leave Spookyville, and then the Sheriff lady shows up to tell Damon about a jogger who was killed the night before. Then she asks him to help her kill the vampire that did it because she thinks he is really good at killing vampires because of the time he killed Stefan’s only vampire friend and because she can’t kill one by herself. 

At school, Elena is like “so how are you dealing with the whole vampire thing” to Bonnie, who was just attacked by one like the night before, and Bonnie is like “it sucks” because she is a teen and everything in life sucks! School sucks! Rules suck! Parents suck! But mostly getting bitten by a rabid vampire sucks! And then Bonnie asks Elena if Stefan changed his mind and is going to stay in Spookyville. Elena says no and Bonnie is like, “well, its for the best because what kind of a future would you two have anyway, because he is a vampire and you are a human and there is no way for you two to work out unless you become a vampire WINK WINK.”

And this showed up a lot for FORESHADOWING:

And then Elena walks outside and guess who’s waiting for her?

"Me?"

No,  Elena totally wishes! It was just Stefan. He came to tell her about the new vampire in town that she needs to look out for. Meanwhile, Damon uses Caroline one last time to use the pocketwatch that tracks vampires or something from a few episodes ago? Remember that? Well, anyway, I guess Damon can’t use it himself because he “messes up the signal” or something. But good thinking that Damon asked Caroline to wait outside of the exact warehouse Douchecaster was hiding in! Inconvience! So Damon sends Caroline off again and he goes inside the warehouse to destroy Douchecaster, but then Douchecaster shoots him! A lot! And he is like “don’t bother getting up, I have a lot of these wooden bullets!” So Damon just sits there and listens as Douchecaster demands to know who turned him and buried him behind a used car dealership (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).

"I think someone is playing with metaphors that are too complex for me."

He also rambles on about not know how to be a vampire, AND THEN HE SAYS THIS: “It’s not like the welcome wagon was waiting with a bundt cake and a handbook!” Well, maybe not the (vampire) welcome wagon, but Caroline has the bundt covered!

And then he just goes on and on about he much he loves killing everybody and all the while Damon is pulling wooden bullets out of his body and pretending to listen.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a really good listener?"

And then he points to his pile of bodies.

Sheriff lady (and Caroline’s mom) meets with some dude (who turns out to be the mayor) at the high school career fair to discuss the vampire situation. Sheriff lady says her “highly reliable dupties” are all on the job and then she and her Kate Gosselin wig start protecting the town by checking out the booth on massage thearapy.

Over by another booth, Mini sees Tyler the Douche looking at some art so he tells him he’s too dumb for art or something, and then Tyler walks away. ZING! But then Mini sees a drawing of Evil Ozymandis that was done by Tyler, and he feels kind of bad. I feel a bromance brewing! Staying up late, drinking hot cocoa, reminiscing about the girl they both used to screw and drawing cheap rip offs of superheroes!

Back at the warehouse, Douchecaster is basically holding Damon hostage? Whatever Damon, I thought you were better than that. And Douchecaster is like “why am I so overly emotional?” and I’m like “please just die aleady” and then Douchecaster is like “how come I really want to be with my ex, like bite her and be with her and stuff” and Damon tells him that he is probably in love with her because now that he is a vampire he will feel everything a little bit harder. What? That is the dumbest. It is almost as dumb as sparkling in the sun. “Vampires feel emotions so much better than humans, and yet they kill the people they love to survive.” You crazy show!

Then Douchecaster shoots Damon a few more times and then goes to the high school to stalk Cool Aunt, but he runs into Stefan who realizes he’s a vampire.  Douchecaster demands to know how he and Damon are “daywalkers” and Stefan is like “you wanna know?” and Douche nods his head and Stefan is like “you wanna know? well–you can’t! and don’t threaten me bitch (minus the bitch part)!” and then he walks away all dramatic like and I think I may judged him a bit harshly before because that was well played sir!

Then guess what, Mini does try to start something with Tyler Douche, but it ends in a punching fight rather than sketching together by candlelight, so the Mayor (who is also Tyler’s dad) takes them outside ‘to work it out’, and Alaric is like “what?” so he follows them and sees that Tyler’s dad is a real asshole and he’s trying to get them to fight each other in front of him but Alaric stops it because he is a shining example of kindness and purity and also hotness.

And he also tells the Mayor that he looks like “a full grown alpha-male douchebag” and if it’s even possible I love him even more.

Caroline decides to go home early because she had a fight with her mom (again) and Logan offers her a ride because he wants to eat her to get back at the Sheriff lady for letting him get turned into a vampire. And of course, she accepts.

"I am the absolute worst judge of character."

While Caroline reaches for the seatbelt, Douchecaster sort of pushes her head into the window and her forehead smudges blood on it and she passes out. Then Douche calls Sheriff on his Bluetooth and tries to threaten her but Damon and Stefan catch up to him and Damon shoots him with wooden bullets and Stefan takes Caroline home while Damon gets all gangsta on Douche’s ass with a tire iron like a real vampire (eat it Edward!!!).

Damon wants to know who turned Douche but he won’t tell so Damon is about to kill him when he admits that he does actually know and also other people want to get into the tomb where Katherine is buried and that they know “other ways” that don’t involve the necklace that exploded in the previous episode. So Damon lets him go so they can meet later because the Sheriff lady is about to pull up.

Back at the school Mini and Tyler Douche have a heart to heart about how much they think Tyler’s dad is a real asshole and it turns out now they have two things in common. Except Tyler gets very angry and punches Mini and Mini is like “what is your problem man?” and Tyler is like “I don’t know, I just don’t know” and then there is this shot:

And I hope to dear God this isn’t foreshadowing. “My problem is…I’m a werewolf!”

I will be pissed.

Douchecaster goes back to his warehouse to look at his pile of bodies I think when Alaric shows up and is like “leave Cool Aunt alone, I have dibbs on her closet (that’s not a euphemism—he literally has dibbs on her closet)” but Douchecaster thinks he has the upper hand because he is a vampire and he is about to kill him when BAM Alaric stakes the shit out of him first.

Then Stefan and Elena cry over their futures of being a vampire and being a not vampire and then Elena is like “I love you! and we’re going to make this work!”

And Stefan just closes his eyes like “goddammit, not again” and they start making out. Elena loves him so much she doesn’t even care about his freaky eyes when he gets turned on!

"I love you. I will pretend you don't scare the shit out of me right now so we can duet."

Then this happens:


And I’m pretty sure Meleisa Betts is an pseudonym for Elena Gilbert.

After the sexual relations Elena is basically in heaven; even candles smell so much better because Stefan is good in bed.

But that doesn’t last long because Stefan left out his photo of Katherine and Elena sees that it looks exactly like her and instead of asking him what in the fresh hell it is (like perhaps, “How did you get a photo of me in period costume?!) she just storms out and hits a mystery vampire with her car and flips over. Then the vampire stalks toward her and she screams loudly.

I guess being good in bed can’t remdeem you from having a long lost vampire love that looks exactly like your new girlfriend, Stefan!

THE END!

The next episode is on January 21, 2010 and this is the synopsis according to imdb:

In the aftermath of the horrific car accident, Elena is attacked by the individual she hit and the following evening, wakes up by the side of the road… transformed into a vampire. As Elena emotionally and physically struggles to come to terms with her new existence, and a possible real future with Stefan, he sets out to find who turned Elena. Meanwhile, Damon learns about a spell that could free Katheryn from her tomb with the help of a newly arrived witch. Upon resurrection, Damon and his old love go on a rampage through Mistic Falls killing dozens of people, while the townspeople mistakenly think that Elena is responsible for the carnage.

That is perhaps the most spoilery synopsis I have ever read. I’m surprised it also didn’t say: “On the next full moon Tyler the Douche lost his temper so bad he morphed into a werewolf.”

Tune in?

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10 Responses to “the turning point”

  1. Sadako December 12, 2009 at 10:51 am #

    Cool recap! I’ve never seen this show but your recap was really funny. 😀 Cool blog!

  2. Callie December 16, 2009 at 9:23 am #

    I’m glad you’re back with the recaps. I missed them in a totally creepy way.

    Also, WHAT THE HELL – Vampire feel more than humans! I just love it when writers think they can take well established vampire lore and throw it out the friggin’ window. Yeah, vampires have tender hearts, that’s why they kill everything they can get their hands on.

    *angry face*

    • itsfreckles December 16, 2009 at 11:08 am #

      Vampires feeling more ‘deeply’ is just some dumb excuse for the writers to say “He’s a total asshole, but he’s only acting that way because he is so full of intense love!”

      Or how about he’s just an asshole?

  3. bel- December 20, 2009 at 9:46 pm #

    Oh, the shameless foreshadowing in this episode had me laughing my ass off.
    Can’t wait for the next recap, the episode preview looks quite promising. Caroline baffles me, though, she seems to be drifting away to a normal teenage life… maybe she’ll turn into a fairy so that they let her stay in spookyville?

    • itsfreckles December 20, 2009 at 11:01 pm #

      Oh yes, a fairydom is definitely in Caroline’s future–no doubt she is Sookie Stackhouse’s long lost cousin as well! That would be quite hilarious, and I would not put it past the writers!

  4. olivia January 22, 2010 at 8:33 am #

    Did you watch the new one? So much material you can satirize.

    • itsfreckles January 22, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

      Oh yes, I just got on the computer to put it together. It just gets better and better, doesn’t it?

      • olivia January 23, 2010 at 6:55 pm #

        Of course! haha The more unrealistic they make it, the funnier it gets. Imagine this as an analysis paper for a lit class…Actually, I think there could be a point argued in all of this…

      • itsfreckles January 24, 2010 at 11:37 am #

        This is funny because we actually read Twilight in one of my classes at college. You would think there would be a point in that too, but sadly, there is not.

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