Archive | January, 2010

unpleasentville

30 Jan

First off, guess who wrote this episode?

Haha the best.

So Barbie’s episode opens with Elena asking Stefan who hoodie vampire is and why he’s trying to kill her. Stefan tells her he doesn’t know because why would he? Then he gives Elena some vervain jewelry for her and her friends (and even a bracelet for Mini!) and he reminds her that “as long as it’s in you or on you, a vampire cannot control you” and Elena is like “wow, so much to remember.” Really, Elena? That’s so much to remember? HOW DO YOU GET BY IN THE WORLD?

Downstairs, Mini is working on his art:

Then the doorbell rings and a regular pizza delivery man comes to deliver a pizza because what else would he be doing? Except: 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MINI DO NOT INVITE HIM IN!!!!!!!!!

Well, fuck.

Oh well, hoodie vampire just leaves without doing anything sinister except putting his hood on.

At school the next day Mini gets an ‘A’ on his paper about vampires in Spookyville and he is like “what is ‘A’ mean?” Then Alaric, or as he perfers to be called in the classroom, Mr. Saltzman, asks if he can borrow Mini’s great-great grandfather’s diary. Since Mini carries it around in his backpack everywhere he goes like a normal person, he gives it to Mr. Saltzman right away. And Mr. Saltzman looks like he always does, which is hot:

At lunch, Elena gives Caroline a vervain necklace and then they talk about how Caroline might be dating Elena’s ex-boyfriend and blah blah blah I don’t care.

Then Elena and Bonnie go to the hip cafe where all the kidz like to hang out so they can talk about how ‘weird’ it is that Elena was adopted. Then Elena says she needs to go to the ‘store’ to by clothes for upcoming fifties-themed dance.

The minute Elena leaves, Bonnie gets acosted by Damon because he really likes to do that. But before we can find out what he wants, it’s broken up by the bartender: 

Ben

Damon leaves reluctantly and Ben the Bartender is like “hello Bonnie” and Bonnie is like “you remember me?” and Ben is like “I didn’t graduate that long ago!” and I’m like “actually you did graduate that long ago because you are 28 YEARS OLD”.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I am so 20 years old!"

After buying clothes at the local ‘store’, Elena gets a phone call from hoodie vampire while walking to her car. He threatens her but she drives off and goes to Stefan’s house where she asks him again why hoodie vampire is trying to kill her, and he still doesn’t know, but he gives her the vampire compass from several episodes ago and he explains that it’s special because it doesn’t point north but to vampires. It must be attracted to all the iron in their brains (bad joke).

Sooper speschul vampier compas.

Then Elena goes home and confronts Cool Aunt about her adoption. Cool Aunt tells Elena that her real mom showed up on her fake dad’s doorstep as “16, a runaway and about to give birth [to baby Elena]”. She eventually did give birth (as these things go) and then she disappeared a couple of days later, leaving the baby with her new fake parents, and of course they were trying to have babies of their own but it wasn’t working out, so it was perfect. Also, Elena’s real mom was named ISABELLE (probably important).

Meanwhile, Damon is still (STILL) trying to get into Katherine’s tomb, and Stefan promises to help him but Damon doesn’t believe him because he is cynical and sad. 😦

For the dance Elena puts a Bump-It and a scarf in her hair and is like “authentic fifties outfit”. Looks great Elena. I espcially like your Sandra Dee inspired belt-over-low-cut-shirt. 

While Elena is getting ready the vampire compass starts going crazy and she is like “omg a vampire is here!” so she calls Stefan but Damon answers and is like “Stefan is on his way.” Elena is like “oh phew” because obviously Stefan is probably hiding in her house somewhere? 

Sometimes it pays to look at your ceiling (when you are being stalked by a hoodie-wearing vampire):

Bump-it or die.

So hoodie vampire jumps off the ceiling onto Elena and tries to bite her face off, but Stefan rushes in just in time to stop it. So hoodie vampire runs out the door real fast because he is a vampire but also a pussy (even more so than Stefan).

So Stefan, Damon and Elena all decide to go to the dance together in hopes that hoodie vampire will show up and try to kill Elena again. They all get there and of course none of the chaperones are like “why is this drop-out student and his older brother trying to get into this high school dance?” They just let them all in like it is completely normal.

Guess who’s a chaperone?

"ME!"

Yes, you, but I was referring to a person I actually care about.

"Me?"

Now we’re talking! Alaric and Cool Aunt are both chaperones and they are talking about how dead Alaric’s wife is and how sad Alaric is about it when he spots Damon loitering near the snack table.

The 'I saw you murder my wife' look.

I’m like “SHIT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!” but Alaric is such a gentleman he just wanders over casually and strikes up a conversation.

He is like “I haven’t seen you ’round these parts before” and then he asks him about Stefan and where they’ve lived and few other things and Damon gets annoyed. Alaric realizes this, so he apologizes and practically runs away.

Dumbass fairy Anna also shows up at the dance, even though as Mini points out, “you don’t even go here” and that she’s “acting like they’re dating even though they’re not” and for a minute I kind of like Mini, but then I remember how stupid he used to be and the feeling passes.

Bonnie and Caroline leave the dance and go to the cafe where Bonnie asks Ben the Bartender out on a date. He is like “I would love to because I am definitely very close to your age.”

"I'M 20!!!!!!!!"

Then Caroline is like “I’ll just be mean to Matt (Elena’s ex) and hope he’ll like me back. I doesn’t work out.

Anna is still bothering Mini and Mini is still like “back off” but instead Anna asks if she can borrow Mini’s great-great-grandfather’s diary. Mini says he can’t give it to her and she is like “I know you don’t have it on you now but I can walk you home (and blow you)” but Mini is like “I gave it to Mr. Saltzman.” Anna starts to lose her cool and is like “you can’t give it to just anyone!” and Mini like “but I should give it to you?” POW! In your face dumbass fairy! But she is still like “maybe we can get it out of [Mr. Saltzman’s] office” and Mini is like “what is the deal with the stupid diary?” And Anna gets so pissed her eyes turn black.

So Anna isn’t a dumbass fairy, but a dumbass vampire. She is like “I am ah dooly appointed fedehral vaampire.” (Shutter Island joke.)

Mini sees her eyes get black and he is like “your eyes!” but Anna turns around and walks off. Mini is like “good thing I didn’t let that girl near my junk.”

GULP.

Anna goes into a darkened hallway and meets up with hoodie vampire where they discuss how they also want to open Katherine’s tomb. Turns out, Mini’s grandpa’s diary has something to do with opening it, so that’s why Anna wants it so bad I got so pissed when Mini called it stupid. Also, hoodie vampire is ‘playing’ with Elena just because she looks like Katherine. Ugh, I GET IT SHE LOOKS LIKE KATHERINE! Why is this the driving force for so many storylines? Please STOP THAT.

So hoodie vampire goes back into the dance where Elena and Stefan see him. Stefan leaves Elena alone so he can go chase hoodie vampire through the school, because it is always a good idea to leave the target by herself. 

Stefan catches up to hoodie vampire and he slams him up against some lockers and then we see that it’s not hoodie vampire but some kid. The kid is like “I was getting a soda when this guy gave me his hoodie.” SO YOU JUST WEAR ANY CLOTHES THAT SOME STRANGER GIVES TO YOU? NICE LIFE CHOICE.

Elena is wandering around the gym trying to find Damon but the gym is just so huge she can’t and then she gets a phone call from hoodie vampire telling her to leave the room. She is like “no”, so hoodie vampire says he will snap Mini’s neck if she doesn’t do it.

And I still don’t know how all these non-students even got into this dance in the first place.

Because she doesn’t want her brother to die Elena does a little jogging in the hallways while hoodie vampire follows her, and they end up in the cafeteria where hoodie vampire throws Elena into a foldable table. Then she finds some pencils:

And she uses them:

Then she stabs him with a third pencil so hard he falls down, and she grabs a mop and BREAKS THE HANDLE OVER HER LEG.

She tries to stab him with the broken end but he grabs it and throws it over his shoulder. Just as he’s about to kill her, Stefan and Damon come in and stop him. Damon calls him a “dickhead” and Stefan stabs him with the mop handle. Hoodie vampire doens’t die though, so Stefan just keeps shoving the handle in when he won’t answer their questions. Finally hoodie vampire says he’s stalking Elena because she looks like Katherine, and both of the brothers are like “WHAT?”

"I thougt I was Katherine's only special lover (besides my brother)!"

And then Damon asks him how to get in the tomb and he says something about a “grimore” and that they need Mini’s grandpa’s diary to find out what the hell a “grimore” is. And Anna is just watching for funtimes:

"Amateur."

The brothers ask hoodie vampire who he’s working with and then Alaric comes strolling down the hall, probably to get the mop to clean up some punch and/or puke.

"Hm. I wonder why there are screams of pain coming from the cafeteria. Maybe I should check it out."

Hoodie vampire won’t tell them who he’s working with so Stefan kills him and then they hear a sound coming from the hall and Damon goes and finds Alaric walking away very fast like “no mop in there!” Damon glamours him and asks him why he’s in Spookyville and if he knows what Damon is, but Alaric is able to lie so Damon leaves him alone.

I’m like “how’d he do that?” and he is like “this is how I did it:”

A handful of vervain.

This stuff must be pretty easy to get ahold of.

So Damon and Stefan have a comversation about how the “grimore” belonged to Emily and that the founding families “took her things when they burned her” and that maybe Mini’s grandpa’s diary says where they put her things AFTER THEY BURNED HER BODY. Nice ancestors, Mini and Elena (for fake).

Then Stefan offers to help Damon get Katherine out of the tomb again, but only if they don’t let any of the other vampires out and that he and Katherine leave Spookyville. Damon is skpetical but is like “okay”.

After all that, we find out that Caroline is still at the cafe trying to get Matt to like her and Matt says he’s not over Elena and blah blah blah NO ONE CARES.

After the dance Alaric walks Cool Aunt home and there’s this weird camera angle from inside a bush:


Then Alaric asks Cool Aunt out on a date and he promises to stop talking about his dead wife who was named Isabelle. Cool Aunt is like “Elena’s mom was named Isabelle and Alaric’s dead wife was named Isabelle SO THEY MUST BE THE SAME PERSON” and I’m sure she’s right because we all know how this show works.

Caroline leaves the cafe and is walking home alone when Matt drives up and does this:

So I guess he is over Elena? NO ONE CARES.

At Elena’s house, Stefan tells her he told Damon he’d help get Katherine out of the tomb but that it was a lie because he “can’t let him do it” They don’t really elaborate on how he’s going to stop him but I guess he has a plan?

The episode ends with Ben the Bartender being fake attacked by Anna the dumbass vampire, because turns out Ben is a vampire too (of course). They talk about how Anna hasn’t gotten the diary yet but Ben has gotten “that little witch” to totally “crush” on him. Whatever almost 30-year-old man! 

And we’re all left wondering who is going to open Katherine’s tomb first and if Anna is going to get the diary from Alaric and if Bonnie is going to get used by another vampire and if Alaric’s dead wife is also Elena’s mom and if Caroline and Matt will ever stop being on the show.

Next week: This episode is set back in the 1880’s when Katherine was still kicking and it looks like Dexter’s dad from Dexter is also the Salvatore’s dad or at least some kind of older man who wants to tell them what to do. Also Damon has curly hair and it is weird.  

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This week's Vampire Diaries recap…

29 Jan

Will be a bit late since my apartment isn’t hooked up to the internet right now and we have to steal it from a connection that is crap at best. I’ll try to have it up in the afternoon tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy:

His name is Beans!

p.s. Do not spill cornbread batter inside a hot oven. It’s the worst!

Lost's 6th and final season…or is it?

27 Jan

Via Videogum.

Picture of the day 01.26.10

26 Jan

Cold War Kids. The Fillmore. San Francisco. 01.23.10

24 Jan

My friend and I went to see Cold War Kids at the Fillmore Saturday night, and they were amazing (duh). The opening act was Alec Ounsworth, which I didn’t even know until I got there and I asked the girl next to me who the opening act was, and she was like, “It’s ‘something’ Python,” and I said “Is it like ‘shiny’ or something?” and the girl said “I think so” and I realized it was one of Alec’s many bands, Flashy (not shiny) Python. It’s always the best when you’re actually excited to see the opening act, and it’s even better when they put on a show as good as Alec Ounsworth/Flashy Python/the 20 other side projects he listed. They even played a little Clap Your Hands Say Yeah(!), when the end of a really epic song (which I think was a bunch of songs strung together) turned into “Upon this Tidal Wave of Young Blood”, one of my all time fav CYHSY songs.

Cold War Kids put on a high energy show that was one of the best I’ve seen (even better than themselves (I also saw they at the Fillmore last May)!). The audience was singing and dancing and clapping and generally going nutz, so much so that the lead singer, Nathan Willett, made a comment that it sounded like [the band] was doing ‘alright’. 

The Kids played a really amazing set, from “Saint John” (the best) to “Coffee Spoon” (my fav) to “Hang Me Out to Dry” (obvs) and “Golden Gate Jumpers” (San Francisco!); it was just one great song after the other. They were also lots of fun to watch: running around the stage, Rain Man forehead-touching each other, playing weird ‘instruments’ (a wine bottle, what I think was a metal pizza platter). And as an added bonus, they recorded the entire show and all attendees get to download it for free. How do you say, ‘very niiiiice!’ (Borat joke.)

Here are some pictures I took at the show (along with some pics of CWK from last May!):

Alec Ounsworth. The Fillmore. 01.23.10

 

Cold War Kids. The Fillmore. 01.23.10

Cold War Kids. The Fillmore. 05.07.09

 

All pictures by moi!

Picture of the day 01.24.10

24 Jan

bloodlines

22 Jan

It’s been awhile since the last episode, so here’s what you need to remember:

  1. Damon is trying to rescue his old vampire girlfriend from the underground tomb she’s been trapped inside for 552 million years (I think. I could be rounding up a bit)
  2. Stefan and Elena are having relationship drama because Elena saw a photo of Katherine and it looks just like her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. the new history teacher is named Alaric Saltzman and he is a vampire hunter and (possible) vampire
  4. Bonnie is still a witch

This episode starts out with Elena driving her car away from Stefan’s house because she is so emotional about looking like Katherine. In fact, she is so upset, she forgot how to drive:

Oops, she forgot that part.

So now she’s all flipped over and upset because she broke her windshield and stuff, and then to make matters worse, the person she just ran over starts to pop his bones back together because he is a vampire. Elena is like, “crap, I ran over a vampire, not an innocent human–now I’m in trouble!”

Then the vampire starts stalking toward her and she desperately tries to get out of the car but she also forgot how seatbelts work so it’s not going too well. And just when it looks like Elena is done for, the vampire runs away and Damon shows up and is like, “what are you doing?” Huh? Did hoodie in the street vampire smell Damon coming or something? And he was like “Damon is too badass for me, I’m outta here!” Whatever hoodie in the street vampire, you crazy!

Anyway, Damon pulls Elena out of the wreckage (“It’s my seatbelt waaahhhh!”) and she is very limp and Damon has to hold her up as she says, “I look like her…” then she passes out. Apparently, she is still hung up on that.

Over at Alaric’s place,

"Me?"

yes, you, hotstuff! Anyway, he keeps a diary too, (this show and their diaries) and he’s talking about how he finally “found one” (vampire) and that he looked into its eyes and stabbed it (he’s referring to staking douchecaster). And then he stares wistfully at a photograph:

Then he has a memory about her and he is VERY SAD about it (because she was his wife and she is totes deceased now).

Elena she wakes up a couple of hours later in Damon’s car and she looks VERY ALARMED and is like, “where am I?” And Damon says “Georgia” and Elena is like “haha very funny Dr. Chuckles” and Damon is like “no joke” and then Elena starts freaking out and Damon is like “I wish you were still unconscious”. This would perhaps be a bigger deal to me if I knew where the hell Spookyville was in relation to Georgia. As far as I know, they went down the street and Elena is like “no one knows where I am!!!!!”

At Spookyville High, Alaric lost his ring (you know, the vampire sunlight protecting ring) and he is looking for it in his car in clear daylight, so he is obvs NOT A VAMPIRE. He just wears it for looks, I guess.

"You are so pretty."

Stefan also shows up at school to get Bonnie to help him find Elena. At first Bonnie is like, “no, I hate being a witch” but when she finds out Elena is with Damon she decides to help by squeezing Elena’s necklace really hard in her hands. When that doesn’t work (?) she tries to make a leaf float by holding her hand over it.

But that doesn’t work either so she’s like “there is something wrong” and Stefan is like “with Elena?” and Bonnie is like “with ME! there’s something wrong with ME!” and then she runs away.

Meanwhile, Elena and Damon are still in Georgia, going to what Damon calls “a little place outside Altanta” that is a bar. Elena is like “why are you talking me to a bar I am 15 (or whatever)” Damon struts around and is like “this bar will let you in” because he is vampire and will eat anyone who doesn’t (probably). So they go in and Damon is BFFs with the bartender who is also 40 years old. Turns out they were sexual together in the 80’s or whenever it was that she was in college. And she is a witch.

Also, she calls Damon “her honeypie”.

Back at Spookyville High, Mini McQueen ventures into the library for the first time and a couple of books magically fall off the shelf at him. I say ‘magically’ because when they fall they are accompanied by chimes and then some girl appears out of nowhere right next to him. She is probably some kind of dumbass fairy or something. Then they both try to pick up the same book at the same time and they KNOCK HEADS like a couple of love struck teens/fairies.

Anna, the Dumbass Fairy

Then they have a great conversation about Spookyville’s vampire myths that culminates with Anna telling Mini he’s “smart” and it is the funniest joke on this show so far. Then Anna has to leave, but she mentions something about an old diary of her ancestor’s that sounds just like Mini’s ancestor’s diary, so they go to the hip local cafe and shoot pool and talk about it. But when Anna invites Mini over to watch scary movies he is like “I just got out of a relationship and this is already moving too fast, so let’s just be friends” and Anna is like SAD FACE :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonnie ran all the way to her Grams’ house to see if she could help her powers come back. Grams is like “if you’re blocked it’s in [your body]. You need to clear it out, and you’ll be back in buisness”. I think Grams may have got Bonnie’s powers confused with her bowels, but who knows what old people are thinking most of the time anyway.

So Bonnie goes out into the woods where she exploded the jewel a couple of episodes ago to try and unblock herself, but the ground gives way and she falls into a secret underground chamber right next to the sealed off tomb that Katherine is in.

Bonnie makes the best faces:

Back at the bar in Atlanta, Damon and Bartender lady reminisce about all their good times for a minute and then Damon tries to get her to tell him another way to get into Katherine’s tomb minus the jewel. Bartender lady tells him he needs the jewel and there is no other way. Damon is very upset about it.

Crying on the inside, I'm sure.

Then Elena gets a phone call from Stefan so she goes outside to answer it and she is like “you lied” and he is like “just let me explain” and she is like “so you didn’t lie?” and Stefan is basically stumped so she hangs up on him. Then Damon shows up to see if she’s okay (?) and the Bartender Lady is like “now’s my chance” and she makes a cryptic phone call to tell someone Damon was at the bar, and in order to make sure Damon didn’t overhear her conversation with his supersonic vampire earz she turned on a blender.

Blenders: outsmarting vampires since their invention in 1922.

Meanwhile, Bonnie is still in that hole in the woods and she sees a pentagram on the wall and she nearly unblocks herself into her pants. Stefan goes to her Grams house to find her and they do this whole witch/vampire acceptance thing and then Stefan goes and gets Bonnie out of the hole. Bonnie says she could hear people down there, but Stefan promises that none of them will ever get out. SOMETHING TELLS ME ELENA IS RIGHT AND HE REALLY IS A LIAR.

Back at the bar, Elena and Damon eat burgers and talk about how she might be related to Katherine. Damon likes pickles. Elena asks him how he can even eat food if he’s dead, and he says so long as he keeps a healthy diet of blood in his system, his body functions “pretty normally”. Then Elena starts to pound back the shots and she doesn’t even get drunk. Her superpower must be an extra large liver.

Then this guy shows up:

And with facial hair like that, what else could he be but a murderer? So he kidnaps Elena and uses her as bait to get Damon to come outside, then he beats up Damon with a baseball bat. Turns out angry facial hair guy is Lexi’s vampire boyfriend and he is pissed at Damon for killing her (Lexi was Stefan’s hot blond vampire BFF). But Elena is like “be the bigger man!” and the angry facial hair guy decides not to kill Damon and he leaves. Damon is pissed about the whole thing though, so he confronts Bartender Lady and she gets scared and tells him there’s a different way to open the tomb (by getting Emily’s spellbook and looking up the reversal spell). Then Damon thanks her by pulling out her heart.

On their way home, Elena asks Damon why he saved her from the car accident and Damon tells her she isn’t the worst person ever or something, so there’s that.

Once they get back to Spookyville Elena barges into Stefan’s bedroom and they have a conversation about all the DRAMA that is their LIVES. Elena thinks Stefan only likes her because she looks like Katherine, but Stefan tells Elena that he thinks she is nothing like Katherine and that he loves her anyway. And then he tells Elena he saved her life that night when she and her parents drove off the bridge. He went back for her parents but they were already dead so he left them in the lake. Elena is really emotional about it but there’s more! After he saw how much Elena looked like Katherine, he basically stalked her for months and then “checked into it” and found out she was adopted.

The face of a person who just found out their entire life was a lie.

Then Stefan tells Elena that her loves her so much and they kiss and Stefan hugs her a little bit too hard.

You can't tell in this picture, but he's only holding a head.

Then Mini and Anna the Dumbass Fairy look at papers they got off Google about all the ‘animal attacks’ over the years in Spookyville, and they begin to realize that maybe vampires are real and also that they will probably fall in love one day very soon.

Elena finally goes home and Cool Aunt is totes annoyed that she stayed out all night so she confronts Elena who is like “okay question: am I adopted?” and Cool Aunt makes this face:

Also known as 'a deer in headlights'

The episode ends with Alaric grading papers at the local hip cafe, when Damon comes in and orders a bourbon and Alaric is like DOUBLE TAKE then he flashbacks to when he saw his wife being MURDERED by DAMON.

The face of a man who just saw his wife being eaten by a vampire.

And then Alaric is like, “I’m going to kill that motherfucker. But first, I’m going to finish my drink.”

And he continues to be my favorite.

NEXT TIME: There’s some kind of school dance where Elena has to dress like she’s from the 1950s (the unfashionable version) and a ‘mysterious unknown vampire’ tries to kill her (also known as hoodie in the street vampire). Also, Alaric introduces himself to Damon, presuably to say “My name is Alaric Saltzman. You killed my wife. Prepare to die.”

Today I got an email from Nylon magazine about how much they love The Vampire Diaries:

I’m betting its because he wears Dior Homme like a pro. What do you think?