bloodlines

It’s been awhile since the last episode, so here’s what you need to remember:

1. Damon is trying to rescue his old vampire girlfriend from the underground tomb she’s been trapped inside for 552 million years (I think. I could be rounding up a bit)
2. Stefan and Elena are having relationship drama because Elena saw a photo of Katherine and it looks just like her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. the new history teacher is named Alaric Saltzman and he is a vampire hunter and (possible) vampire
4. Bonnie is still a witch

This episode starts out with Elena driving her car away from Stefan’s house because she is so emotional about looking like Katherine. In fact, she is so upset, she forgot how to drive:

Oops, she forgot that part.

So now she’s all flipped over and upset because she broke her windshield and stuff, and then to make matters worse, the person she just ran over starts to pop his bones back together because he is a vampire. Elena is like, “crap, I ran over a vampire, not an innocent human–now I’m in trouble!”

Then the vampire starts stalking toward her and she desperately tries to get out of the car but she also forgot how seatbelts work so it’s not going too well. And just when it looks like Elena is done for, the vampire runs away and Damon shows up and is like, “what are you doing?” Huh? Did hoodie in the street vampire smell Damon coming or something? And he was like “Damon is too badass for me, I’m outta here!” Whatever hoodie in the street vampire, you crazy!

Anyway, Damon pulls Elena out of the wreckage (“It’s my seatbelt waaahhhh!”) and she is very limp and Damon has to hold her up as she says, “I look like her…” then she passes out. Apparently, she is still hung up on that.

Over at Alaric’s place,

"Me?"

yes, you, hotstuff! Anyway, he keeps a diary too, (this show and their diaries) and he’s talking about how he finally “found one” (vampire) and that he looked into its eyes and stabbed it (he’s referring to staking douchecaster). And then he stares wistfully at a photograph:

Then he has a memory about her and he is VERY SAD about it (because she was his wife and she is totes deceased now).

Elena she wakes up a couple of hours later in Damon’s car and she looks VERY ALARMED and is like, “where am I?” And Damon says “Georgia” and Elena is like “haha very funny Dr. Chuckles” and Damon is like “no joke” and then Elena starts freaking out and Damon is like “I wish you were still unconscious”. This would perhaps be a bigger deal to me if I knew where the hell Spookyville was in relation to Georgia. As far as I know, they went down the street and Elena is like “no one knows where I am!!!!!”

At Spookyville High, Alaric lost his ring (you know, the vampire sunlight protecting ring) and he is looking for it in his car in clear daylight, so he is obvs NOT A VAMPIRE. He just wears it for looks, I guess.

"You are so pretty."

Stefan also shows up at school to get Bonnie to help him find Elena. At first Bonnie is like, “no, I hate being a witch” but when she finds out Elena is with Damon she decides to help by squeezing Elena’s necklace really hard in her hands. When that doesn’t work (?) she tries to make a leaf float by holding her hand over it.

But that doesn’t work either so she’s like “there is something wrong” and Stefan is like “with Elena?” and Bonnie is like “with ME! there’s something wrong with ME!” and then she runs away.

Meanwhile, Elena and Damon are still in Georgia, going to what Damon calls “a little place outside Altanta” that is a bar. Elena is like “why are you talking me to a bar I am 15 (or whatever)” Damon struts around and is like “this bar will let you in” because he is vampire and will eat anyone who doesn’t (probably). So they go in and Damon is BFFs with the bartender who is also 40 years old. Turns out they were sexual together in the 80’s or whenever it was that she was in college. And she is a witch.

Also, she calls Damon “her honeypie”.

Back at Spookyville High, Mini McQueen ventures into the library for the first time and a couple of books magically fall off the shelf at him. I say ‘magically’ because when they fall they are accompanied by chimes and then some girl appears out of nowhere right next to him. She is probably some kind of dumbass fairy or something. Then they both try to pick up the same book at the same time and they KNOCK HEADS like a couple of love struck teens/fairies.

Anna, the Dumbass Fairy

Then they have a great conversation about Spookyville’s vampire myths that culminates with Anna telling Mini he’s “smart” and it is the funniest joke on this show so far. Then Anna has to leave, but she mentions something about an old diary of her ancestor’s that sounds just like Mini’s ancestor’s diary, so they go to the hip local cafe and shoot pool and talk about it. But when Anna invites Mini over to watch scary movies he is like “I just got out of a relationship and this is already moving too fast, so let’s just be friends” and Anna is like SAD FACE :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonnie ran all the way to her Grams’ house to see if she could help her powers come back. Grams is like “if you’re blocked it’s in [your body]. You need to clear it out, and you’ll be back in buisness”. I think Grams may have got Bonnie’s powers confused with her bowels, but who knows what old people are thinking most of the time anyway.

So Bonnie goes out into the woods where she exploded the jewel a couple of episodes ago to try and unblock herself, but the ground gives way and she falls into a secret underground chamber right next to the sealed off tomb that Katherine is in.

Bonnie makes the best faces:

Back at the bar in Atlanta, Damon and Bartender lady reminisce about all their good times for a minute and then Damon tries to get her to tell him another way to get into Katherine’s tomb minus the jewel. Bartender lady tells him he needs the jewel and there is no other way. Damon is very upset about it.

Crying on the inside, I'm sure.

Then Elena gets a phone call from Stefan so she goes outside to answer it and she is like “you lied” and he is like “just let me explain” and she is like “so you didn’t lie?” and Stefan is basically stumped so she hangs up on him. Then Damon shows up to see if she’s okay (?) and the Bartender Lady is like “now’s my chance” and she makes a cryptic phone call to tell someone Damon was at the bar, and in order to make sure Damon didn’t overhear her conversation with his supersonic vampire earz she turned on a blender.

Blenders: outsmarting vampires since their invention in 1922.

Meanwhile, Bonnie is still in that hole in the woods and she sees a pentagram on the wall and she nearly unblocks herself into her pants. Stefan goes to her Grams house to find her and they do this whole witch/vampire acceptance thing and then Stefan goes and gets Bonnie out of the hole. Bonnie says she could hear people down there, but Stefan promises that none of them will ever get out. SOMETHING TELLS ME ELENA IS RIGHT AND HE REALLY IS A LIAR.

Back at the bar, Elena and Damon eat burgers and talk about how she might be related to Katherine. Damon likes pickles. Elena asks him how he can even eat food if he’s dead, and he says so long as he keeps a healthy diet of blood in his system, his body functions “pretty normally”. Then Elena starts to pound back the shots and she doesn’t even get drunk. Her superpower must be an extra large liver.

Then this guy shows up:

And with facial hair like that, what else could he be but a murderer? So he kidnaps Elena and uses her as bait to get Damon to come outside, then he beats up Damon with a baseball bat. Turns out angry facial hair guy is Lexi’s vampire boyfriend and he is pissed at Damon for killing her (Lexi was Stefan’s hot blond vampire BFF). But Elena is like “be the bigger man!” and the angry facial hair guy decides not to kill Damon and he leaves. Damon is pissed about the whole thing though, so he confronts Bartender Lady and she gets scared and tells him there’s a different way to open the tomb (by getting Emily’s spellbook and looking up the reversal spell). Then Damon thanks her by pulling out her heart.

On their way home, Elena asks Damon why he saved her from the car accident and Damon tells her she isn’t the worst person ever or something, so there’s that.

Once they get back to Spookyville Elena barges into Stefan’s bedroom and they have a conversation about all the DRAMA that is their LIVES. Elena thinks Stefan only likes her because she looks like Katherine, but Stefan tells Elena that he thinks she is nothing like Katherine and that he loves her anyway. And then he tells Elena he saved her life that night when she and her parents drove off the bridge. He went back for her parents but they were already dead so he left them in the lake. Elena is really emotional about it but there’s more! After he saw how much Elena looked like Katherine, he basically stalked her for months and then “checked into it” and found out she was adopted.

The face of a person who just found out their entire life was a lie.

Then Stefan tells Elena that her loves her so much and they kiss and Stefan hugs her a little bit too hard.

You can't tell in this picture, but he's only holding a head.

Then Mini and Anna the Dumbass Fairy look at papers they got off Google about all the ‘animal attacks’ over the years in Spookyville, and they begin to realize that maybe vampires are real and also that they will probably fall in love one day very soon.

Elena finally goes home and Cool Aunt is totes annoyed that she stayed out all night so she confronts Elena who is like “okay question: am I adopted?” and Cool Aunt makes this face:

Also known as 'a deer in headlights'

The episode ends with Alaric grading papers at the local hip cafe, when Damon comes in and orders a bourbon and Alaric is like DOUBLE TAKE then he flashbacks to when he saw his wife being MURDERED by DAMON.

The face of a man who just saw his wife being eaten by a vampire.

And then Alaric is like, “I’m going to kill that motherfucker. But first, I’m going to finish my drink.”

And he continues to be my favorite.

NEXT TIME: There’s some kind of school dance where Elena has to dress like she’s from the 1950s (the unfashionable version) and a ‘mysterious unknown vampire’ tries to kill her (also known as hoodie in the street vampire). Also, Alaric introduces himself to Damon, presuably to say “My name is Alaric Saltzman. You killed my wife. Prepare to die.”

Today I got an email from Nylon magazine about how much they love The Vampire Diaries:

I’m betting its because he wears Dior Homme like a pro. What do you think?