children of the damned

6 Feb

I felt these recaps were getting overly long and out of control, so I tried to cut it down to the essentials, hopefully without losing the funny. I don’t know how it worked out but here you go!

This week’s episode flashes back and forth between 1894 and the present day, so I hope I don’t confuse anyone with this mind-boggling and revoultionary story-telling method!

1894 ~

A carriage is ambling along a deserted country road in the middle of the night when it comes upon Katherine and a man laying in said road. Katherine tells the two dudes (19th century term) that her husband has been injured and when they get out to help she eats them. Yum!

Then her ‘husband’ gets up and its Damon but he is still human at this point. Then Katherine wants Damon to kiss her bloody face and he’s like “eff that” but she is so alluring he can’t stop himself.

Present day ~

Elena and Stefan wake up in bed together after a crazy night of sex and still being 17 years old, when then they notice Damon is sitting on the end of the bed. He is like “If I see anything I haven’t before I’ll throw a dollar at it” then he starts bossing them around about opening Katherine’s tomb. He also informs the audience (and Elena) that a grimore is a ‘witch’s cookbook’.

1894 ~

Damon and Katherine are sexing it up when Bonnie’s great-great grandma comes in and tells Katherine some lady named Pearl is there to see her.

Katherine goes and talks to Pearl who is a vampire and also Anna’s mom because she is Asian. Pearl says that it’s weird that Katherine is living with the Salvatores and ‘carrying on’ with both of them and I think it’s weird too and the only people who don’t are the TWO BROTHERS THAT ARE FRAKING THE SAME CHICK. Pearl also says the townsfolk are getting suspicious of all the deaths and Katherine is like “I’m invincible, I don’t care” and then Anna runs up and I think she may have been the original Little Bo Beep or something:

PD ~

Anna tells Ben that he is a big dummy and that she changed him because he was sad and lacked purpose. We can basically assume that Ben will defy Anna at some point and help out the good guys because Anna is mean to him and he just wants to be loved.

"But I thought we were soulmates. :'("

Elena and Stefan talk about the journal blah blah and then Elena is like “I think it’s kind of romantic what Damon is doing” and Stefan is like “but he is a sadistic murderer” and then Mini tells them that he gave Mr. Saltzman the journal they are looking for.

Then we see Alaric sitting in a dark room reading the journal all by himself in shitty lighting. This must be how sad people whose wives were eaten by vampires read olde time journals.

"Comfortable reading conditions are for happy people."

1894 ~

This is the Salvatore’s dad:

His name is Giuseppe and he is very angry about vampires. He is like “I am very angry about vampires” all the time. It’s basically all this guy can talk about.

PD ~

Anna the dumbass vampire goes to where Alaric is reading the journal which is apparently at the high school when it is closed. Maybe you should do your pleasure reading at your own house, Alaric? Oh wait–I almost forgot–if you read the journal at your house then Anna can’t get it unless you invite her in! And if Anna doesn’t get the journal there is no complications in the plot and if there is no complications in the plot there is nothing for the viewers to be tense about except Damon’s weird curly hair in the 1890s.

Anyway, Anna runs by the door to Alaric’s office really fast and he is like “is someone here?” and then he goes and gets a stake launcher from his locker (!) and he comes back to find Stefan in his office so he shoot at him but Stefan just grabs the stake out of the air and then they intense stare at each other until the commerical break. Then Stefan is like “what are you doing here?” and Alaric tries to play it cool and pretend like he wasn’t just holding a FUCKING STAKE LAUNCHER but Stefan is smarter than that (barely) and he gets Alaric to tell him about his revenge quest on Damon. Stefan tells him to stop it because Damon will kill him and then they see that the journal has disappeared. ANNA YOU DUMBASS!

The Stake Launcher

1894 ~

Great-great grandpa Gilbert (who wrote the journal) has a crush on Pearl and he is a big sad nerd about it and all the vampires in olde time Spookyville think he is LAME. Giuseppe tells his sons that they will help him kill all the vampires and Damon gets mouthyso Giuseppe is like “I am always disappointed in you” and Damon looks sad!

PD ~

For some reason, Damon is over at Elena’s house cooking dinner with Cool Aunt who is gettin’ drunk on wiiiiiiiiiiiiine. She is like “I’m so drunk right nooooooooowwwwwww” and then she falls off the counter she is sitting on. (That didn’t really happen, but if it did, you’d actually watch this show, wouldn’t you?) Then Elena comes home and is like “why are you here”  with her eyes but Damon decides to ignore her and make this face:

And I’m glad he did.

Then Damon molests Elena while ‘setting the table’.

Elena is like “don’t molest me silly” but we all know she loves it. If this:

wants to rub on you, you let him and YOU LIKE IT.

While all this is happening Ben and Bonnie are on a date of boring at the boring restaurant probably eating boring.

Then Stefan comes home and doesn’t tell Damon about Alaric except that he didn’t have the journal anymore. Damon realizes Anna seems like a weirdo so he makes Mini set up a date with her so he can follow them and hopefully rip her head off. When Damon leaves Stefan shows Elena a copy of the journal that he stole from Alaric, and they read it and find out that the ‘witches cookbook’ is buried with Giuseppe so they set off to DIG UP HIS GRAVE. Typical teen stuff.

When Damon spots Anna on her date with Mini he immediately has a 1890s flashback of her as Little Bow Peep and he is like “oh no she didn’t”. Then he follows her home and they have a choke off and it is hilarious.

1894 ~

Katherine and Stefan are gettin’ jiggy wit it (Will Smith joke) when she accidently drinks some vervain and then Giuseppe bursts in (because he was listening outside the door? ew) and is like “tell the town we have a vampire!”

PD ~

Anna and Damon let go of each other’s necks eventually (though it would have been way cooler if they killed each other at the same time) and then we find out that it was Anna who turned Douchcaster because apparently she thinks it is the best idea to turn a bunch of idiots into vampires so they can never do anything right. Maybe you should be more choosy next time AND PICK SOMEONE YOU WOULDN’T DESCRIBE AS ‘STUPID’. Or not, whatever.

Anyway, Damon and Anna realize they want the same thing so Anna tries to get Damon to help her but he is like “I don’t associate with Little Bo Peeps” and leaves.

Bonnie is still on her BORING date with Ben and when she kisses him and she can tell by his cold dead lips that he is vampire so she tries to sneak out but he kidnaps her.

Elena and Stefan are still digging up his dad’s grave by torchlight (because Stefan is old school like that) when Damon shows up and sees that Stefan was lying to him. He is like “you assholes” and he threatens to turn Elena into a vampire unless Stefan gives him the grimore they are digging up. Stefan gives it to him and Damon is like “we’re barely brothers anymore” or something melodramatic like that.

1894 ~

Great great grandpa Gilbert realizes Pearl is a vampire and he shoots in the back as she’s running away because he is an asshole.

PD ~

Stefan has a 1890s flashback of Anna and Bonnie’s great-great grandma standing next to each other and then he is like “oh fuck I hope Elena hasn’t just been kidnapped” but trns out she has been.

To recap the recap: both Elena and Bonnie are kidnapped; Damon and Stefan are on the outs; Alaric is still hot.

THE END

Next week: Ben is somehow controlling Bonnie’s mind and Damon says he hopes Elena dies. Finally!

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2 Responses to “children of the damned”

  1. kevvolchok February 6, 2010 at 2:24 pm #

    Yep, Ian Somerhalder is the only reason I keep watching this. It’s just too much fan watching him. Damon is like the son of Sawyer and Dr.House.

    And yes, please, do kill elena or at least turn her because I can’t stand how boring she is now. Since they got Sean Faris on the show might as well go get Cam Gigandet and turn this lame show into Never Back Down 2. At least that dude has attitude and is not a freaking pussy like stefan. Actually, Cam would be a great addiction to show plus he seems to enjoy playing vampires since he’s done it like 3 times by now.

    • itsfreckles February 6, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

      Haha that’s actually a good idea, then Damon would have someone on his level to have hilarious conversations with! Yeah, I just wish they took more risks with their characters; they are all so white washed and boring that they don’t keep my interest at all.

      And technically, wouldn’t Damon the father of Sawyer and/or Dr. House?

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