The Vampire Diaries S01EP15: I'll just Bing it

26 Mar

Can you believe it’s been over a month since the last episode aired? HOW HAS EXISTENCE AS WE KNOW IT NOT FAILED TO CEASE? I mean, I know my mom said life would go on, but usually she just says things like that to get me to STOP CRYING.

I’m sure the only way I’ve been able to survive this long is because of my VD charm bracelet (which looks especially good when worn with this shirt ).

Anyway, time to get to last night’s episode:

It started out with a hiker, just doing his thing, wearing some flannel, hiking around; then there is some ominous music and he turns around and sees that vampire that escaped from the tomb in the last episode (you know, the tomb that Grams said only a BILLION times that no vampires would ever be able to escape from) standing behind him. The vampire is like “what year is it?” and the hiker takes a good look at him and says “2010 NO DOY” then adds “why are you wearing that?”

"What, you mean this completely normal looking shirt?"

And then the vampire eats him and takes his clothes. Then hiker’s cell phone starts to ring in his pocket, so the vampire takes it out, and since he doesn’t know what the hell a cell phone is, he throws it hard at the hiker’s dead body. Problem solved.

While hiker is getting murdered and having phones thrown at him, Elena is sooooper busy:

Looks like someone finally remembered what the title of the show is.

Then Cool Aunt walks up in her jean jacket and tiny scarf and is like “why are you out here in the cold?” and Elena is like “HAVE YOU FOUND ANY INFORMATION ON MY REAL MOM YET?” and Cool Aunt takes a deep breath and reminds herself it’s not cool to punch a teen. So they go inside and look through Elena’s fake dad’s medical records where they find a person named Isobel Peterson, and they decide her last name must be from a friend or relative, and they use Bing to find out. BING WILL HELP YOU FIND YOUR LONG LOST TEENAGE MOTHER.

Good job Bing. You rawk so much harder than Google. –Elena

Elena is like “I’m not convinced I see the resemblance”.

Then Cool Aunt tells Elena that the other girl in the photo lives nearby, but she couldn’t find anything on Isobel, and also that Alaric’s wife’s name was Isobel. Elena is like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WAS?”

Then she and Stefan have a heart to heart about what a coincidence it would be if her mom was also Alaric’s wife, who was also killed by Damon. Except Stefan doesn’t tell Elena the Damon part, because it would be too much for her little female pea brain to comprehend.

Damon is hanging out in the vampire castle, having a blood sucking party because he’s still sad about Katherine never having been trapped in a tomb for 300 years.

Then Stefan comes in a ruins all the fun by turning down the music (he is always turning down the music, he is such a grandma) and talking to Damon about Isobel, who Damon doesn’t even remember.

Matt and Caroline are in a relationship now (you remember? I don’t) and they start making out on Matt’s couch when all of a sudden Matt’s alcoholic mom shows up and is like “oh god not on the couch. I use that to barf on”.

I wish I could barf on it too.

Cool Aunt and Alaric are putting up a sign in town about one of those things were bachelors are raffled off to horny/lonely women for a date, and then Cool Aunt tells Alaric about how Elena’s mom was named Isobel and he is like “you mean like my wife?” Yes, and ALSO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE NAMED ISOBEL IN THE WORLD. He is like “well, she never had a baby” and Aunt whips out her phone and shows him the picture they found on the the Bing and he is like “well, she never told me about it”. Really? That’s it? No denial, or anything? Or even asking Cool Aunt if she is 100% sure that Alaric’s Isobel is the same as Elena’s Isobel, because you know what, SHE ISN’T SURE.

Thanks a lot Bing, you dick. –Alaric

Sidenote: Okay Ally, you know I love you and all that (you are def the hottest guy on the show) but WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR HAIR?

End sidenote.

Elena goes to visit Isobel’s friend from the picture, and the friend takes a good look at Elena and is like “you’re her daughter” and invites in her for tea, and also to check to see if she is a vampire. Then Elena tells a really cool story about how at first she wasn’t going to come, but then she was at a stop light and turned it red, and it made her think of learning to drive, and also of her mom, and also of a blind turn she was always warned about. Isobel’s friend is like “if I shut my eyes it’s only because I am trying to imagine what you’re saying”.

Elena asks Isobel’s friend is she knows who her father is, and Isobel’s friend hesitates, and the music is like “she totes knows!” but she ends up saying she doesn’t. Then she goes into the kitchen to get the tea and also text someone:

Because of course there would be a conspiracy around who Elena’s mom is, because DUH. She gives some ‘herbal’ tea to Elena, which is actually vervain, and Elena is like “you know [about vampires]” and Isobel’s friend is like “get out of my house” so Elena leaves no questions asked, no “but I’m only 15 please help me!”, no “but you were her friend!” Just an “Okay let me get my coat.”

On her way out, we see yet another person is stalking Elena by standing right in the middle of the damn street.

Oh phuck there is a California Raisin after you!

Matt and his alcoholic mom hang out and drink a handle of vodka, and I’m like “is that your alcoholic mom or an alcoholic zombie?”

Amirite?

Stefan and Alaric talk about how his dead wife is also Elena’s mom for sure, no doubt, of course, then Stefan tells Ally that he kind of asked Damon if he remembered Isobel, but he didn’t really try very hard. Ally is like “try again bitch” and Stefan is like “what did you say?”

He is like “no really, what did you say, I missed it. A bus went by or something.” Then Ally gives him a picture of Isobel to show Damon, and he leaves Ally by himself to have a flashback about how his wife was obsessed with vampires and would rather research stuff on the Bing than sleep with him.

Bing ruins your sex life. –Isobel

Damon goes out for a midday drink and runs into Ally; they intense stare at each other for a bit then Ally leaves and the lady Sheriff shows up to ask Damon to be one of the bachelors in the raffle. He says it sounds “tasty” and also asks her to look up on Ally because he thinks there’s “something off about him.” Psssst, Damon, I know what it is you’re referring to:

Back at Isobel’s friend’s house, the California Raisin pays her a visit and kills her even though she “did her part” and Elena is “no closer to the truth.” 

"Someone's been drinking motor oil again!"

It’s time for everyone to get ready for the bachelor raffle, so Elena buttons Damon’s shirt for him (don’t ask) and Stefan asks him again (this time with photo) if he knows who Isobel is, and he still doesn’t.

The entire town is at the raffle, including Matt’s mom who is a whore (important detail); and Ally, who makes brief eye contact with Elena, then turns and walks the other way (HAHA); and Damon, who finds out from the lady Sheriff that Alaric’s wife was named Isobel and that she disappeared in North Carolina. Damon is like “I remember her now.”

Then all the bachelors line up and answers inane questions about themselves, and Damon talks about how he knew Ally’s wife and that she was “delicous.” This is everyone’s reactions:

Hm. Decidedly non-descript.

On their way out, Elena and Stefan run into the California Raisin who tells them to stop trying to find Isobel, because “she doesn’t want to know [Elena].” Stefan says the raisin has been glamored, so they agree to do what he says just to make him go away. Then the raisin says “I’m done now” and steps in front of a bus. HAHA WHAT? So now that dude is dead, and all he really did is tell Elena that her mom isn’t actually dead, so now they will probably want to find her even more. What an idiot. Oh, and in the process of getting hit by a semi, his phone flew out of his pocket and Elena picked it up and went home and looked at the recently dialed number and called it. Some lady answered, that was probably her mom, but when Elena spoke, she hung up. Sorry Elena, better luck next time?

Alaric decides its time to kill Damon, so he sneaks into the vampire chic castle where Damon beats him a up a little and tells him that he didn’t actually kill Isobel, but actually slept with her then turned her. Alaric doesn’t like this confession very much, so he tries to stab Damon, but he gets confusion and Damon ends up stabbing him.

There is a strange bubbling sound coming from somewhere (his stab wound I guess?), and his face looks very pretty in the firelight, and then he dies.

Stefan comes in to find Ally dead on the Turkish rug, and Damon drinking a scotch and staring into the flames, and he is like “god dammit.” Damon is like “you know, if Isobel is Elena’s mom, then that means she was related to Katherine, so maybe Katherine sent Isobel to me, and therefore she still loves me… oh, and clean that up.”

"I always have to clean up after you!"

But he doesn’t have to clean up anything because Ally miraculously comes back to life because of the ring his wife gave him in a flashback. Apparently, in this world, rings are the Most Powerful of All Time, and can do anything. Glad too see you’re not dead.

"Me?"

Yes you, Prettyface! Though I can’t say the same for so many others:

The End.

Next week: Stefan and Elena double date with Caroline and Matt. Oh boy, who’s going to end up being killed by a vampire this time? I vote for all of them!

Advertisements

6 Responses to “The Vampire Diaries S01EP15: I'll just Bing it”

  1. IWantYourSass March 26, 2010 at 10:40 pm #

    Ok, I’ve only seen bits and pieces of VD, but I f’ing love your recaps.

    My favorite was the blue tears, Elena’s Sherlock Holmes poster and your shoutout to the California Raisins.

    I’m going to have to start watching this dammit!

  2. itsfreckles March 26, 2010 at 10:52 pm #

    Oh my, thank you so much for enjoying these! I wonder if the recaps would make more or less sense if you actually watched the show. I get so caught up in writing these myself I don’t even know if they make sense to me anymore!

  3. IWantYourSass March 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm #

    They are pure comedic genius. And easy to follow along, even without watching the show.

  4. lauraaaaa April 1, 2010 at 6:54 pm #

    absolutely hilarious. first thing i do after watching a new episode is come and read the recap 😀 love it!!!

    you’re really clever!!

    love the decidedly non-decript. pretty much describes their facial expressions THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SHOW.

    love it though 🙂

    • itsfreckles April 1, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

      Oh, thank you so much! It’s so nice to hear what you think!

      I’m writing this during a commercial break, right after Damon’s eyes got gouged by Anna’s mom, and for some sick reason it was hilarious!

  5. marit April 22, 2010 at 6:42 pm #

    this is the best show ever….. the sherlock holmes poster made me ahah (laugh)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: