The Vampire Diaries S01EP16: Serious answers only please

2 Apr

This episode starts out with Anna and her mom Pearl running a boarding house for the vampires who have escaped the tomb. And it’s funny because these vampires are from the 1800’s, so they don’t know anything about modern conviences! Haha, TV’s have more than one channel–they have lots of channels! Silly vampires!

Vampires are hilarious!

Anna discovers that while living with so many vampires can be hilarious, it can also be sad! Like how they all use the muggle that owns the house for food, even when it hurts her! Anna decides she all of a sudden has a heart (remember when she could care less if Mini died in that one episode?), and tells her to go get some rest, but then the douche vampire with the goatee is like, “I hate my food when it is rested.”

Um, you have something on your face...a little more to the left...a little more...oh nevermind.

The next morning at Matt’s house we find him calling out for his mom, who doesn’t repsond for a minute, but then comes out of her room all annoyed that he woke her up. He is like, “I was just making sure you were still alive.” Wow, this is just like the movie The Road, where Viggo Mortensen’s character puts his hand on his son’s chest every morning to make sure he is still breathing, except The Road is a masterpiece and The Vampire Diaries is a garbage vampire show riding the coattails of Twilight on a fledging network. Other than that, they’re basically the same.

Gross, Matt's mom! You really should clean under your fingernails more often.

Matt is like, “Please stop bringing home so many guys and banging them all the time,” and Matt’s mom is like, “It was only one guy, thank you very much.”

"And I didn't even eat his brains, okay? Don't be so judgy."

Then Caroline comes over and says, “Hi Mrs. Donovan,” and she is like, “Whatever, bitch,” and leaves the room. I think it’s safe to say what mug she was drinking her morning vodka out of:

At school, Elena and Stefan discuss how depressed Damon still is over Katherine, and then they make a joke about how he is such an asshole.

“He may have a broken heart, but he’s still a dick!” –Stefan and Elena, in unison

At the boarding house for olde and hilarious vampires, Pearl is teaching the guy who killed the hiker in the last episode how to use a cell phone. She is teaching him how to text when it suddenly goes off–and he is startled!

Haha, another hilarious scene involving someone from the 1800’s reacting to modern technology! Keep ’em coming Vampire Diaries writers! You’re doing great!

Anna and Pearl decide to go run some errands, and the douche vampire with a goatee, let’s call him DVG, throws a bitch fit and is like, “How come I don’t get to go?” And Pearl says, “Because.” 

At school Caroline talks to Elena and Stefan about going on a double date. Elena is like, “Won’t that be weird because I used to date your boyfriend who is still obviously in love with me?” And Caroline is like, “Huh?” And Stefan says:

It sounds fun…as in fun. –actual quote

Damon comes home from whatever he was doing outside and immediately is like, “Something seems off…” We know this because there is ridiculous music playing in the background while he is just walking around. Then he sees Pearl and Anna (they must have gotten lost on their way to the blood bank (haha! Classic vampire-running-errands joke!)), and Pearl is like, “Since there are no humans living here, we were able to come in uninvited, WHICH IS GOING TO BE IMPORTANT LATER ON IN THE EPISODE.”

Damon is like, “Important later on in the episode this, bitch!”

Pearl is like, “I’ve been choked by stronger babies than you,” and removes his hand, then pushes him to ground, and Damon mentally adds another thing to his list of Reason Why I’m Depressed:

  1. Katherine doesn’t love me
  2. Stefan doesn’t love me
  3. Elena doesn’t love me
  4. I’m a weak bitch

Pearl proceeds to tell Damon that she knows he has infiltrated ‘the Council’ (the group of humans that know about/are trying to kill vampires), and she wants him to report everything he knows back to her because she wants to ‘rebuild.’ Rebuild to like how things were back in the 1800’s, when you had to hide from everyone? Rebuild back to that? Hm. You might want to think that through a bit better.

Damon refuses to help her.

"I might be a weak bitch, but at least I ain't stupid!"

Pearl tells him that if he helps her, she’ll help him find Katherine. Damon is like, “I’m over that mid-century beetch,” and gets up to leave when Pearl tells him that helping her is non-negotiable. And she proves her point by getting her thumbs caught in his eyesockets, 28 Days Later style.

She is like, “I am 400 years older than you and 600 years bitchier–you will do what I say!” On her way out she says, “I’ll be in touch. Maybe I’ll trying texting for the first time.”

At the Gilbert household, Mini McQueen is surfing the net:

I just don’t understand 21st Century teens and their obsession with chat rooms! –your mom

Mini is ‘Vampjer.’

Haha, ‘serious answers only please.’ He is like, “What do you think this is, a chat room for mildly retarded teens who have an unhealthy obsession with vampires?” They are like, “Yes.”

After that brief interaction with ‘Bloodybecky’, Mini decides he does in fact believe in vampires. 

If Stefan and ‘Bloodybecky’ teamed up, they would probably be the toughest and most convincing legal team EVER. Stefan would just say, “Your honor, what my client did, he did for fun. For fun.” Then ‘Bloodybecky’ would add, “You’re a lover of fun, aren’t you?” and the judge would say, “Case dismissed!” and the murderer would go free. Probably.

Anyway, Stefan drops by Elena’s house to give her some flowers:

"I thought I said roses were my favorite."

They talk about the double date and Elena says, “It’s not too late to cancel, you know,” and Stefan is like, “Why would we do that?” and Elena says, “Because I USED TO DATE MATT, who is STILL IN LOVE WITH ME. I’m sure how I could possibly be more clear about how weird it is going to be.” Stefan thinks about it for a minute, then says desperately, “But…fun.” Elena is like, “I can’t argue that,” then she asks Stefan if he’s even ever been on a double date before, and he says, “Yeah, ’72. With Hef and the playmates. I got Ms. July.”

Pearl and Anna meet Cool Aunt in town, who is a realtor, apparently, and she shows them the old building that Pearl used to own in the 1800s because they want to buy it. As Pearl and Cool Aunt going inside, Anna gets distracted by Mini walking down the street:

"I wonder what he's thinking about."

"I thought I uploaded the new Nickleback album already..."

At The Grill, Damon runs into Matt’s mom (oh, his eyes grew back, in case you were wondering), and she is like, “You’re not from around here; I would know since I’ve banged every guy in this town. Twice.” Then Cool Aunt shows up too and says Matt’s mom used to babysit her and also party with her. Matt’s mom says that Cool Aunt used to be ‘crazy,’ in a last-ditch attempt to make Cool Aunt seem more 3 dimensional.

 While Damon, Matt’s mom and Cool Aunt are getting drunk together at what must be the only bar/restaurant in town, Elena, Stefan, Matt and Caroline are double dating at a booth 10 yards away. Everyone is like, “Matt, your mom is a mess.” He is like, “I know.

At the vampire boarding house, DVG is getting restless and decides to leave the house even though Pearl told him not to. He is half way out the door with another vampire lady when the hiker-killing vampire is like, “Where do you think you’re going? Don’t ignore me, I’ll tell! I’ll do it! You’ll get in trouble big time!”

At the Gilbert house, Anna decides to pay a visit to Mini, who is so overjoyed to see her again that he can barely hide the look of fear on his face and the shit he just diposited in his pants.

"Maybe she is very bad at smelling things. Also, Grey's Anatomy sucks."

Anna tells Mini that she is staying in town forever now and that she is even going to try to enroll in the high school. Mini has obviously figured out that she is a vampire, so he is playin’ it real cool. Their conversation sounded a bit like this:

ANNA: So if I start going to high school you’ll be seeing a lot more of me!

MINI: (knits brow) But how will you be able to go out in the sunlight?

ANNA: What?

MINI: I mean, what will you eat at lunch time?

ANNA: What?

MINI: I mean, what if the science teacher decides he wants to do a lab about blood types and everyone starts pricking their fingers and you are surrounded by the smell of blood. Will you eat us all?

ANNA: What?

MINI: Oh, shoot, I almost forgot The Mentalist is on tonight! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

At The Grill, the doubler-daters reminisce about the good olde days when they were only sophomores in high school, and Matt and Elena tell a cool and interesting story about how they both got drunk at The Grill on homecoming. When that’s over, Caroline is like, “I have to pee,” and makes Elena come with her.

Matt tells Stefan that he thinks Stefan is ‘that guy,’  i.e. the guy that has everything and makes everyone else feel like a loser.

"Yeah, I can see that."

In the bathroom, Caroline tells Elena to stop telling cool and interesting stories about her and Matt, or else she will mirror scare her.

On their way out of the bathroom, DVG sees Elena and thinks she is Katherine, but realizes his mistake when she plays it cool. Also when Caroline calls her Elena. When they get back to the boys, Elena tells Stefan that a man just called her Katherine, and he is like, “Maybe we should cut the night short,” and Elena is like, “But…fun.” Stefan is like, “I’ve created a monster!”

They decide to take the double date to the Vampire Chic Castle, where Matt is impressed, and Caroline is like, “I feel like I’ve been here before,” and Elena and Stefan just look at each other like, “That’s because you have been here before, when you were banging Damon and letting him drink your blood. Oh, and he almost killed you here.”

Then Stefan and Matt bond over sports cars and being MEN, while Elena fiddles around in the background trying to get her face to make more than one expression and Caroline just continues to wear these:

At The Grill, Cool Aunt decides to leave when Damon and Matt’s mom start to get nasty, and she breaks her shoe on the way out.

DVG comes up and helps her out by breaking off the other heel, instead of simply suggesting she take her shoes off. Then he tries to glamor her, but she is wearing vervain perfume, so she is able to get away.

At the vampire castle, Caroline pulls Elena aside to say this:

Elena is like, “Huh?”

Then Stefan and Matt come over and Stefan lets Matt take Caroline for a ride in his fancy vintage car.

Meanwhile, Mini and Anna are making sandwiches, and Mini cuts his hand on purpose to try and expose Anna. Anna chokes him.

Just as the fridge says, Mini is a PRO at revealing vampires.

Then Anna starts to drink Mini’s hand, and he LOVES it.

"Can you bring a whip and wear all leather next time?"

While Mini is busy jizzing pants over rough blood-drinking, Matt is creaming his because the fancy vintage car he is driving is SO FANCY.

"I can't wait for tonight's episode of The Mentalist."

Once Matt zips it up, Caroline like, “WHAT ABOUT ME? Waaaaaaah!” And then they make up and whatever who cares they are boring.

Damon shows up at the Vampire Castle with Matt’s mom, because they are going to fuck. Gross, Matt’s mom, you are the worst. Of course, Matt sees them making out, and he is like, “Gross, my mom, you are the worst,” and he takes her home and scolds her.

"Matty, can we please talk about his later? The Mentalist is on next."

Anna goes back to the vampire boarding house where her mom gives her the third degree (that’s a thing people say, right?) about where she’s been all night, like she can’t take care of herself after living on her own for the last 150 years. Jeez, moms suck, huh! (Especially when your mom is Matt’s mom. She’s the worst!)

Elena takes Caroline home, leaving the Salvatore bros. alone in their castle, which as we remember from Pearl’s visit, is unprotected against unwelcome vampires. So, they are just hanging out, doing whatever, when what do you know? Two unwelcome vampires (DVG and the lady vampire) bust through a window and attack them. Stefan gets stabbed with broken glass, and is basically getting dominated by the lady vampire, until the chair he got thrown into it happens to spinter into a stake, and he is able to stab the lady vampire. DVG sees this and flees back to the boarding house, where he tells Pearl that she was right and he shouldn’t have left. Pearl stabs him with a wooden spoon; not for death, but just for a tummy ache, because she is in control.

Later, Anna sneaks out to go back to see Mini, where she tells him she could have killed him. He is like, “But you didn’t,” and they share moment. Then Anna is like, “Why did you confront me like that though?” And Mini is like, “Because I want you to turn me.”

Cue ominous metal music.


Next week: DVG and the other tomb vampires kidnap Stefan and torture him. And you know what? If Alaric isn’t in this episode, it will be like TORTURE FOR ME. Where’s my boy?




7 Responses to “The Vampire Diaries S01EP16: Serious answers only please”

  1. olivia April 3, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

    lmao love it; especially the captions! XD

  2. Smilley April 6, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    Glad the show is back on and that you’re back to summarize. Love it!

    • itsfreckles April 6, 2010 at 9:12 am #

      Oh thank you! I’m glad you’re here to read!

  3. olivia April 8, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    LMAO, can’t wait for the next episode’s installment! I literally laughed throughout the episode, and I thought the ending was just priceless. I almost want to do my own version.

    • itsfreckles April 8, 2010 at 6:39 pm #

      I know, the whole thing was a big joke itself! You should do your own recaps, there’s definitely plenty to go around!

      • olivia April 9, 2010 at 1:37 pm #

        I think I will….Oh the things procrastination will make you do!

      • itsfreckles April 9, 2010 at 3:00 pm #

        Are you going to do last night’s episode to kick things off?

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