The Vampire Diaires S01EP17: You forgot your purse!

9 Apr

This episode starts out with a storm coming, so we know it is going to be SUPER INTENSE and REVELATORY.

Anna asks Jeremy to give her one good reason to turn him into a vampire, so he stares at her blankly and says “uhhhhhhhh.” Protip: when someone asks you why you want them to turn you into a vampire, MAKE SOMETHING UP. Just go with it. Whatever comes. “I want to live forever,” for example. In fact, that’s a pretty good one, and I thought of it in like a second. I would definitely go with that over staring blankly and saying “uhhhhhhhh.”

At the vampire boarding house, Douche Vampire with the Goatee is like, “I am SUCH a DOUCHE,” all the time, and Pearl explains that the only way to ‘rebuild’ is if they have patience, and DVG makes the same face you make when your mom explains to you why you have a curfew.

"Whatever, Mom."

Then DVG whittles an extremely smooth and well-shaped stake. It even has a curved handle!

DVG uses his fancy stake to stab Stefan while he is out hunting squirrels. It obviously hurts so bad, he can’t even react:

This show is very ridiculous about when a vampire will die from being staked. Sometimes you have to stab them multiple times, sometimes just once, sometimes they will get stabbed but won’t die at all. If the vampires actually died from being staked the normal amount of times (one) then THEY WOULD ALL BE DEAD BY NOW.

Damon and Elena figure out that Stefan has been kidnapped because his phone goes straight to voice mail (which I’m guessing sounds like this: “Hello, you’ve reached the phone of Stefan Salvatore. If I don’t answer this call, and if I’m not hanging out with Elena, then I have probably been kidnapped.”) and Damon knows who did it right away, so that’s not a problem. Except Damon can’t get in the vampire boarding house because the damn glamoured muggle won’t invite him in, so he has to come up with plan B.

Damon goes back to the car where Elena is waiting, and when he tells her what is going on she automatically tries go rescue Stefan herself. At first, I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me, Elena? I know you’re stupid, but do you really think you can fight 20 vampires all by yourself? …on second thought, Damon, let her try it out. Let’s just see what happens. PLEASE.”

The bad vampires torture Stefan by tying him up with vervain-soaked ropes, cutting his chest one time with a scalpel and putting eye drops in his eyes. I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU, DVG.

Then look who shows up:

Everyone looks at each other like, “Who is this nerd?” and then they tie him to a chair.

Damon and Elena go to the high school to recruit my favorite,

"Me?"

DUH, to help them rescue Stefan, but he is like, “Not my problem.” Haha, I knew there was another reason (besides your face) that I liked you, Ally! But then Damon convinces him by saying Pearl might know where his vampire wife is, and by calling him a coward.

At The Grill, Jeremy finally tells Anna why she should turn him into a vampire, and it is basically that he thinks he doesn’t fit in. Um, how about make some friends you dumb phuck? Anna is like, “These are the only reasons we turn people:

  1. need someone to do dirty work
  2. boredom
  3. revenge
  4. love

And of course she is like, “You don’t fit any of those categories, YET.” OMG, I totally bet she is going to turn him out of boredom, right guys?

Then Pearl shows up and Anna has to pretend like they are working on an essay together, not FALLING IN LOVE, and they are about to leave when Tyler and his dad show up. Remember Tyler?

So Tyler’s dad, who is also the mayor, who is also married, hits on Pearl on their way out. At first she is like, “No, dummy,” until she discovers that he is the mayor. She tries to get some information from him I guess, I don’t really know what the hell she’s doing since all she cares about are his ancestors that were alive back in the 1850s, so I don’t really know why he would necssarily know things about them, I mean, it’s not like I know things about my ancestors from the 1850s.

Meanwhile, Jeremy and Anna start sexting each other:

Oops, how did Jeremy get my sext?

Then Pearl asks the mayor who Jeremy is, and when she finds out he’s a Gilbert, she tells Anna to stay away from him. Anna is like, “Fine Mom, jeez!” and then she tells Jeremy that she’ll turn him (because she wants to get back at her mom. So I guess this falls under the ‘revenge’ category?). 

Back at the high school, Damon and Elena and Ally discuss their plan to get inside the bad vampire’s house, which is thus: Ally will go in, then make the muggle tell Damon he can come in too. Good plan. Elena is still on her “What about MEEEEEEEEE?” kick (when is this kick going to end?) and insists on being able to ‘help,’ so Damon says she can drive the getaway car.

They arrive at the vampire boarding house and Ally goes up and asks to use the phone, and then he kills a vampire, and turns on the food processor for a quick carrot and cucumber smoothie,

then he lets Damon in, who kills the muggle lady BY SLAPPING HER FACE. Then Ally leaves and by the time he gets to the car of course Elena is gone because she is the DUMBEST PHUCK THAT EVER PHUCKED. Ally is extremely disappointed in her, but still thoughtful:

"WAIT!"

"YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE!"

So Elena sneaks into the basement and rescues both Stefan and Hall Monitor. Of course she does, because she is a strong, independant female character who is just as badass as the boys. Except NO SHE ISN’T. Elena is not a mythological creature, she is a regular person. I understand if she can’t rescue her vampire boyfriend from other vampires. THAT IS LIFE SOMETIMES. What I’m saying is, this show has no stakes, at all. This is a show where a human girl, not strong or fast or supernatural in anyway, can rescue her vampire boyfriend from other vampires JUST BECAUSE. And we all know she isn’t going to die because this show is stupid. I’m not worried about any of the main characters on this showing being killed, because it’s not going to happen. No duh it probably never would, I mean, you have to have characters to have a show, but if there isn’t at least the illusion of danger, then WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?

So while Elena takes Stefan to the car, Damon goes around and tries to kill as many of the bad vampires as possible, except he gets out numbered, and almost killed, until Ally saves his ass. Oh jeez, I bet he did it just to say, “If anyone is going to kill you, it is going to be me.” I really hope they accidently become BFFs, and just travel around the country together, looking for their long lost loves and trying to find something to live for in this crazy, crazy world. What I’m saying is, I hope they go somewhere FAR AWAY from Elena and Stefan. Also, I wanted an excuse to make this:

So Damon looks at Ally after he saves his life, and is like, “I’m going after Fredrick!” and then runs off.

"Did somebody say my name?"

Damon is like, “Yes, I did say Frederick, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard anyone mention a character named Frederick before, though oftentimes I’m not really paying attention…so it could have been mentioned? What I’m saying is, I have no idea who Frederick is.”

Exactly. Quick Zoller, get out your rifle before they all get out of range!

So Elena gets Stefan to the car but DVG gets there too, and he starts kicking Stefan’s ass, and almost kills him, but Elena is like, “Here, drink my blood for your strength!” and Stefan is like, “No it’s wrong!” and Elena just shoves her wrist by his face and is like, “It’s okay, I don’t mind!” and I’m like, “Stefan, just do it, you dumb pansy.” So he does, and I guess it hurts, but not too much:

Of course, Stefan likes her blood TOO MUCH, and he kills DVG, and just keeps killing him BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD. Elena is like, “Stefan! Stop!” and his face is all angry and he has a look like he doesn’t know what is going on, but then he calms down and is like, “It’s good. I’m good.” BUT WE KNOW HE IS ADDICTED ALREADY.

Meanwhile, while all this is happening, Caroline was busy getting stuck in the woods and falling down muddy hills and finding dead bodies (which belonged to Vicki). So she goes to tell Matt the bad news:

"What stupid thing did you do now? Haha!"

"Oh phuck."

I like how Caroline is standing by herself, but then her mom steps out of the shadows to make it extra dramatic. I don’t know much about Sheriffing, but I suppose that is how it’s done. I hope she pulls a Bullock next week (on Matt’s mom).

Anyway, everbody is very very sad about Vicki being dead, and we find out that the only reason Jeremy wanted to be turned into a vampire was because he thought Vicki was one, and he just wanted to be with her forever and ever. But now that he knows she’s just dead, he probs doesn’t want to be one anymore.

And Ally and Damon have a drink at The Grill, and Ally punches Damon in the face right in front of everybody. Good job.

And I guess that is it. Wait a minute…

 

 

 

 

 

THE END.

Next Week: Stefan becomes a blood-addicted bad boy, and Weredouche screams “WHY?!” at the moon and then accidently morphs into a collie wearing a t-shirt.

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