The Vampire Diaries S01EP19: You get to take a time-out in the basement!

24 Apr

[Note: Sorry this is so late! I had an assignment due last night at midnight, and I finished it at 11:57; needless to say, I didn’t have any time to work on the recap. I also wanted to say that this recap is going to be a bit shorter than usual, as I am doing it entirely from memory (usually I recap as I watch), so it will probably be grossly inaccurate and even more ridiculous than usual.]

If you’re wondering what happened last week: nothing much!

THIS WEEK, Spookyville is holding its annual Founder’s Ball, which is just another reason for the rich white people in the community to get together and talk about how rich and white they are. Bonnie reminds Elena that she entered the competition to be Miss Mystic Falls, which Elena forgot about, because vampires. Caroline thinks she deserves to win (if the ‘winner’ of this ‘competition’ is awarded with a one way ticket to getting the hell off this show, then yes, I agree, Caroline should definitely win), but she’s afraid Elena might get a sympathy vote because her parents are dead.

"I am a piece of shit."

Elena doesn’t really want to continue being in the competition, but Bonnie reminds her that her parents are dead. Oh! Bonnie is back! She explains that things were just too hard after Gran died to come back to school, so that’s why she’s been gone for four episodes. Um, I’m pretty sure you can’t just not come to school for weeks because a family member you didn’t even live with dies. I mean, I guess I have no idea how much time has passed since Gran died; for all I know, The Vampire Diaries could be the 24 of shitty supernatural teen dramas, and everything so far has taken place in one day. Elena is like, “Remember when I first found out you were a vampire, and then we fell in love, and then we thought Damon maybe killed my real mom?” Stefan is like, “Yeah, that happened two hours ago.”

So Elena decides to be in the Founders Ball because her parents are dead, and Stefan is her escort, except he is addicted to human blood now, so he sucks at escorting. He didn’t even compliment Elena’s dress because all he can think about is his stash:

Stefan starts to have withdrawals before they even get to the dancing part, and he and Elena have some kind of dumb fight about something, so he storms off, punches a mirror, and kidnaps a girl. When Stefan freaks out, HE FREAKS OUT. Stefan takes the girl into the woods and tries really hard not to eat her, but his tummy hurts really bad, so he yells at her, then apologizes, then eats her anyway.

With Stefan off  in the woods, Elena doesn’t have anyone to escort her down a flight of stairs. Everyone is watching her, and she looks like a total LOSER. Everyone is like, “WHERE IS STEFAN?!” So Damon steps in, and it’s super scandalous, or something. Later on, Elena and Damon find Stefan eating that girl in the woods, and Damon stops him, but he is so angry he throws Damon into a tree and makes an angry face at Elena, who is like, “I’m sorry, but that is not your most attractive face.”

Nobody knows who Stefan is going to attack next because HE IS SUCH AN ADDICT, but Bonnie is just like, “I’m bored,” and uses her witch powers to make Stefan’s brain hurt so he will just give it up.

(insert own joke here)

Then Bonnie tells Elena that she is so over vampires and being Elena’s friend. She is like, “See ya, Elena! I’m going to go light some candles with my eyes and have loads more fun than you will with that pussy Stefan. Later, sucka!”  

So Stefan runs home (probably screaming “I’m a monster!” while little bitch tears stream down his face) and the Lady Sheriff finds the girl he was eating, who isn’t dead, just hurt. Turns out the girl doesn’t remember anything, so who cares? 

At the vampire chic castle, Stefan is pacing back and forth in his bedroom and thinking about his next score, when Elena comes in and pretends like she wants to help him, but instead she stabs him with a vervain stake and then she and Damon lock him in the basement. Great idea, guys. Really good thinking.

What everyone else was doing: Jeremy decides that he actually does like Anna (because Vicki is still DEAD, thank God), and Anna forgives him for being a dummy, and they are basically going to be a couple now. Pearl gives Damon some ‘invention’ that Olde Ancestor Gilbert made in 1850s. She has no idea what it does, but we all know it is going to be very important because DUH. Oh yeah, and Elena and Jeremy’s Uncle is on the show now, and it’s David Anders, basically reprising his role as Adam from Heroes, because he is invincible and also REALLY ANNOYING. Ally and Cool Aunt continue to be characters.  

Next Week: Elena feels bad for locking Stefan in the basement, and turns to Damon for comfort because she is so distraught. (That’s just a guess, but I think it’s a pretty good one.)

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