Love Letter #9: Timothy Olyphant

Dear Timothy Olyphant, 

Oh Lord you are perfect.

Deadwood simply would not be as great if you weren’t Seth Bullock, a.k.a. The Badass Sheriff of Hotness. Not only is your face the prettiest thing on the show (unless there is some kind of gaping wound on it, which is a lot of times), but it is most expressive when it comes to repressed anger. Your acting in the season 1 finale was absolutely terrifying and titillating! Punch Alma’s dad in the face again please! Yay!

"Maybe I will. And maybe I will like it."

You had a string of ‘seedy’ type characters before Deadwood, including Go, and The Girl Next Door (remember that film? It was a run-of-the-mill teen sex comedy starring PAUL DANO and EMILE HIRSCH. Haha, everybody has to start somewhere!). Those movies were just alright; at least your face was in them, because your face is hot!

I think it’s hilarious that as well as acting, you do sportscasting for an LA radio station. Even cooler than that, when you you’re too busy to sportscast, you get CHRISTIAN FUCKING GLOVER to fill in. If Christian Glover always did sports reporting, then maybe I would care about sports! (No offense Timothy.)

And of course there’s Live Free or Die Hard, which I was in London for during the premiere, but didn’t stick around for BECAUSE I WAS 17 AND DIDN’T KNOW WHO YOU WERE, but now look back on as yet another devestatingly missed opportunity to meet and/or yell at a celebrity, like the time I saw Travis Barker at the airport, or DJ Qualls on the street in Florence, which would have been a prime opportunity to yell, “HEY NEW GUY!” and then have no follow up.

Anyway, back to you Timothy.  You’re on Justified now, which was great at first then just good then kinda of bad, but will hopefully get better. It’s just the writing that is sucking now though, not you! 🙂

And let’s not forget about Dreamcatcher.

Oops! Nevermind! I take it back, I meant LET’S forget about Dreamcatcher.

Love,

Freckles

Love Letter #8: Carnivale

You are about so many things–a traveling carnival in the American dustbowl, a boy named Ben who can heal people with one touch, a preacher named Brother Justin who has powers of his own, various carnies trying to make ends meet, the ultimate battle between good and evil–SO MANY THINGS! So many things that are dark and thoughtful and creepy and interesting and SO GOOD.

Carnivale, you complete me.

For one, your characters are layered and complex and real; Ben may be the center of the story but he is far from a hero. He’s cynical, arrogant, rude, in constant need of a bath–but he’s also sad and scared and ashamed, and I don’t know if I want to slap him or give him a hug.

It's called soap. I'm pretty sure they had it in the 1930s.

 And Sampson, what can I say? Remember when you shot that dude from The Mummy even after you pretended like you weren’t going to? Straight up gangster.

THE BEST.

Brother Justin is another great example of tortured mixed emotions, but unfortunately for him, he comes with the worst sister ever. EVER. (Frak off and die, Iris.)

Carnivale, I am sad you got canceled before your time; it was worst decision HBO ever made (other than passing on Mad Men).

Now I’ll never know if Ben ever became not an asshole (but I still love him!).

Love,

Freckles

Love Letter #7: The Walkmen

Dear The Walkmen,

You guys are the first concert I went to sans parents, way back in 2004. I was a high schooln’ youngster back then, and I didn’t even know you were the opening act until I was standing in the lobby of the venue and your merch was sitting there (including Piano Monkey) and I was like “wh-huh?” then I fainted. Not physically, just mentally. It was the best surprise ever! And even though most of the audience seemed a bit lethargic during your set, I thought you were better than the opening act and have seen you twice since!

The best thing about you guys is the fact that every album you put out is different from the previous one, and yet they are all Walkmen-y and SO GOOD. I also love the fact that your albums come out regularly; I feel like You & Me just came out, and yet you’re set to release something this spring! Yay!

Music doesn’t get any better.

Love,

Freckles

Love Letter #6: Christian Bale

Dear Christian Bale,

I know 2009 was a rough year for you–what with your films being not very good and the assult charges and the angry yelling and such, but you are still one of my favorite actors and favorite man bodies to look at.

I especially like the one in the top right.

 

Like, I don’t know what you’re doing reclining on such a dirty looking sofa,  but you are hot manliness anyway:

 

Just about all your movies are great (I said just about, Terminatorheads!) and some of them are my all-time favorites: American Psycho, Batman, Howl’s Moving Castle (the animated Japanese one where you played an emo warlock with fab hair) are all the best.

I had this photo taped to my binder in high school.

 

Let’s hope 2010 has some better movies for you, and that no one interrupts your scenes, and that you get some roles where you actually get to be British, which is what you are.

 

I agree with you, jeez! Calm down!

Love,

Freckles

Love Letter #5: Matthew Goode

Dear Matthew Goode,

In honor of your soon-to-be-released smash hit movie Leap Year, I’ve decided to tell you how much I love you, which is a lot. I’ve loved you ever since I first saw you and those sweat bands that you wore on your forearms in Chasing Liberty, a magnificent film about the quest for independance and freedom in the twentieth century. Also, riding around Europe on a scooter with Mandy Moore.

 

You were also in Match Point, though only for a bit; however, I must say those were some really great bits.

Unbutton that shirt better so I can see more of those bits!

 

And then there was The Lookout, which is a really great movie that everyone should see because A.) you were in it, B.) Joesph Gordon Levitt was in it, C.) you were in it (and it is a greatgreat movie)!

Brideshead Revisited! You were in that too and your name was Charles Ryder and you were damn good! I wouldn’t mind ryding a certain someone myself, if you know what I mean…

"I think I know what you mean."

I’m sorry Matthew! That was highly inappropriate. How about you forgive me for being a creep and I’ll forgive you for this:

 

I’m not saying you were bad in Watchmen, I’m just saying the movie itself wasn’t very good. And blond hair with a purple blazer and a turtleneck and a gold lapel pin isn’t a good look for you.

This however, is:

 

It basically sounds like I just want to jump your bones, Matty-poo, but I really do think you’re a good actor. In Chasing Liberty when you said: “Real life is overrated. It’s a lot of odd smells and disappointment.” I basically got the chills; it was like you were speaking to my soul.

In conclusion, keep up the good work and stay hot!

Love,

Freckles

Love Letter #4: Joan Holloway

Dear Joan Holloway,

You are the best part of AMC’s Mad Men (aside from Don Draper’s suits). You are smart, sassy, funny and feminine–the kind of woman we need to see more of in entertainment (and Mad Men for that matter). 

 

You add a much needed liveliness to a sometimes (a lot of times) depressing show and your red hair and fashion sense is amazing.

Season three was kind of suckage only because you were off doing your own thing with your husband, who is terrible. Why did you marry someone so terrible?! I don’t understand this, but I am confident you will kick his sorry ass to the curb next season, or at the very least hit him in the head with another vase.

Do it again! Please?

Love, Freckles

Love Letter #3: Jeremy Davies

Dear Jeremy Davies,

You are basically my favorite. 

"We have to get off this island... right now." YES I AGREE DANIEL FARADAY!

I didn’t think Lost could get any better, and then you turned up as a time traveling, tie-wearing, egg head. Who knew what Lost needed to be even better was a time traveling, tie-wearing, egg head? JEREMY DAVIES, THAT’S WHO (and probably some writers).

And how about your first film, Spanking the Monkey, where you played a character with a little bit of an Oedipal complex. Wait a minute…WHAT?! It’s okay Jeremy…you were only 23…nobody remembers that movie anyway…not even David O. Russell probably…

Oooo and Ravenous! I haven’t forgot you were in that too. YOU WERE SO PERFECT WHEN ROBERT CARLYLE ATE YOUR BRAINS (I assume).

And I haven’t forgotten about CQ, directed by Roman Coppola, which is memorable only because you didn’t have a mullet or facial hair and somehow you looked like a hipster.

Under all that facial hair, he is just a boy.

Then there’s Secretary. Oops, I think you just BLEW MY MIND.

"THE BABIES!"

Peter may not have gotten the girl, but one thing is for sure, he isn’t going to be squishing his grapes in no tightie-whities anymore! That dude has got to procreate at some point (please do not procreate).

Jeremy, please be in every movie ever made.

That is all.

Love, Freckles.

Love Letter #2: Buffalo '66

Dear Buffalo ’66,

You tell the age old love story of a recent prison releasee who kidnaps a young girl, pretends she is his wife and then takes her home to meet his parents. (I believe it first appeared in The Illiad.) You are perhaps the funniest, sweetest, quirkiest love story ever. After watching the photo booth scene I want to span time even though I have no idea how to do it or what it means exactly. That is true love, my friends.

Meet Billy Brown:

cutest ever

I’m sorry you had such a shitty life Billy, but it’s okay, I still love you. And you know what? Kidnapping is normally bad (very bad) but when you do it it’s okay, because you are so utterly clueless about it, it’s ADORABLE. Like how you make THE GIRL YOU JUST KIDNAPPED get out and clean her windshield before you leave the parking lot. Or how you make THE GIRL YOU JUST KIDNAPPED get out and switch places with you because you don’t how to drive a ‘shifter car’. Aw.

Ricci-nap in progress

"Your window is filthy, how do you drive with a window this filthy?"

Billy is used to luxury cars that shift themselves. In prison.

Also Billy, I love your red boots. If only every man wore red boots…

You can imagine what a family get together is like in a family where the son feels its necessary to lie about his whereabouts for the past five years. AWKWARD. And SAD. Very SAD. His parents (especially his dad) like his ‘wife’ a lot;  his mom tries to send him into anaphylactic shock; there are dinner table fights; and to cap things off, his dad lip synchs Sinatra to his ‘wife’.

"You're so much chestier than Billy."

"I have always been allergic to chocolate, mom."

"Maybe I will have a roll, thank you very much!"

croonin' it

 Know what else I love about you, Billy? You bowl so good! And your ‘wife’ is good at tap dancing! In the bowling alley! Impromptu bowling alley tap dancing!

gettin' jiggy wit it

 Then there’s the BEST SCENE EVER. The photo booth scene. I’ll let the photos speak for themselves: 

 

And then there’s Goon. How could I forget Goon? Goon, I love you.

"goon goon goon goon goon goon"

And then there’s this scene, which makes me wish I was in love (for reals).

Buffalo ’66, I love you so much I want to marry you.

Love,

Freckles

Love Letter #1: Dexter

Dear Dexter,

Dreadfully dreamy Dexter, I love you. I don’t even care that you are a serial killer or that you sometimes wear Hawaiian tee shirts.

Okay, so maybe I loved you a little less in season 3 when you weren’t as funny and there was that storyline with Yuki and that one cop who transferred from Boston. I wanted to punch both of them in the face.

Seriously, you need to be punched.

"I think I can help you with that."

But I can’t stay mad at you Dexter. Because I love you. Remember that time you and Rudy packaged things the same way you packaged dead bodies? LOL

Or the time Deb asked if you wanted to get breakfast and you told her no because you were ‘freshly bageled’? That has now entered my vocabulary as a thing that I say, even when I’m not actually freshly bageled. Like if a guy asks me to dinner and I don’t want to, all I have to say is, “Thank you, but I’m freshly bageled.”

"That's a thing non-serial killers say, right?"

Even though I know you can be bad (murdering is bad), you are also thoughtful and that makes me love you even more. I’ll never forget how you helped Camilla when she was in pain.

"I hope this pie tastes like Key Lime and not death."

But even though you can be sweet sometimes, you still take care of buisness when you have to.

You know what I'm talking about.

Dexter, I can’t wait for season 4 because I know it is going to be perfect.  And I hope you make more bagel jokes.

Love,

Freckles