Okay, time for a blogcation!

I’m going to take a break from blogging for a little while. Or a long while. We’ll see.

Sorry about not finishing this season of The Vampire Diaries, but I was trying to watch last night’s episode and I just couldn’t. It has become terrible and predictable, rather than terrible and ridiculous, like True Blood, which is really dumb, but at least there was always a demon ostrich egg or meat statue to surprise me.

Also, finals are around the corner and the less distractions, the better.

I figure I should leave you with some sage advice or something, and since I give terrible advice, here’s some from one of my favorite advice-givers, Lemony Snicket:

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.

Lemony’s the best. Anyway, I hope we’re all cowabunga on this and I’ll see you on the flipside! (I’m sorry.)

Stay tough everybody!

Quote of the day 04.28.10

Can I sit on it?

–Angelea, about the sheep she was standing next to on a photo shoot, on America’s Next Top Model

Oh Lord, Vampire Diaries fans, what now?

I was on tumblr this morning when I came across Fuck Yeah Vampire Diaries Secrets, a blog where people submit ‘secret’ thoughts & desires about the show; it’s something like Post Secret for people who don’t have lives.

This person got it right:

I like the big red stamp on her face in the second picture so much I’ll give you a pass for misspelling ‘too.’

Then I saw these about Jeremy and Weredouche, and it made me feel like I must be missing something…

Haha, “Please fuck now,” indeed.

If anyone is handy with photoshop I highly recommend submitting something hilarious, but not too mean, so they will actually post it. If you do, let me know which one it is and I’ll repost it here so we can all admire it!

The Vampire Diaries S01EP19: You get to take a time-out in the basement!

[Note: Sorry this is so late! I had an assignment due last night at midnight, and I finished it at 11:57; needless to say, I didn’t have any time to work on the recap. I also wanted to say that this recap is going to be a bit shorter than usual, as I am doing it entirely from memory (usually I recap as I watch), so it will probably be grossly inaccurate and even more ridiculous than usual.]

If you’re wondering what happened last week: nothing much!

THIS WEEK, Spookyville is holding its annual Founder’s Ball, which is just another reason for the rich white people in the community to get together and talk about how rich and white they are. Bonnie reminds Elena that she entered the competition to be Miss Mystic Falls, which Elena forgot about, because vampires. Caroline thinks she deserves to win (if the ‘winner’ of this ‘competition’ is awarded with a one way ticket to getting the hell off this show, then yes, I agree, Caroline should definitely win), but she’s afraid Elena might get a sympathy vote because her parents are dead.

"I am a piece of shit."

Elena doesn’t really want to continue being in the competition, but Bonnie reminds her that her parents are dead. Oh! Bonnie is back! She explains that things were just too hard after Gran died to come back to school, so that’s why she’s been gone for four episodes. Um, I’m pretty sure you can’t just not come to school for weeks because a family member you didn’t even live with dies. I mean, I guess I have no idea how much time has passed since Gran died; for all I know, The Vampire Diaries could be the 24 of shitty supernatural teen dramas, and everything so far has taken place in one day. Elena is like, “Remember when I first found out you were a vampire, and then we fell in love, and then we thought Damon maybe killed my real mom?” Stefan is like, “Yeah, that happened two hours ago.”

So Elena decides to be in the Founders Ball because her parents are dead, and Stefan is her escort, except he is addicted to human blood now, so he sucks at escorting. He didn’t even compliment Elena’s dress because all he can think about is his stash:

Stefan starts to have withdrawals before they even get to the dancing part, and he and Elena have some kind of dumb fight about something, so he storms off, punches a mirror, and kidnaps a girl. When Stefan freaks out, HE FREAKS OUT. Stefan takes the girl into the woods and tries really hard not to eat her, but his tummy hurts really bad, so he yells at her, then apologizes, then eats her anyway.

With Stefan off  in the woods, Elena doesn’t have anyone to escort her down a flight of stairs. Everyone is watching her, and she looks like a total LOSER. Everyone is like, “WHERE IS STEFAN?!” So Damon steps in, and it’s super scandalous, or something. Later on, Elena and Damon find Stefan eating that girl in the woods, and Damon stops him, but he is so angry he throws Damon into a tree and makes an angry face at Elena, who is like, “I’m sorry, but that is not your most attractive face.”

Nobody knows who Stefan is going to attack next because HE IS SUCH AN ADDICT, but Bonnie is just like, “I’m bored,” and uses her witch powers to make Stefan’s brain hurt so he will just give it up.

(insert own joke here)

Then Bonnie tells Elena that she is so over vampires and being Elena’s friend. She is like, “See ya, Elena! I’m going to go light some candles with my eyes and have loads more fun than you will with that pussy Stefan. Later, sucka!”  

So Stefan runs home (probably screaming “I’m a monster!” while little bitch tears stream down his face) and the Lady Sheriff finds the girl he was eating, who isn’t dead, just hurt. Turns out the girl doesn’t remember anything, so who cares? 

At the vampire chic castle, Stefan is pacing back and forth in his bedroom and thinking about his next score, when Elena comes in and pretends like she wants to help him, but instead she stabs him with a vervain stake and then she and Damon lock him in the basement. Great idea, guys. Really good thinking.

What everyone else was doing: Jeremy decides that he actually does like Anna (because Vicki is still DEAD, thank God), and Anna forgives him for being a dummy, and they are basically going to be a couple now. Pearl gives Damon some ‘invention’ that Olde Ancestor Gilbert made in 1850s. She has no idea what it does, but we all know it is going to be very important because DUH. Oh yeah, and Elena and Jeremy’s Uncle is on the show now, and it’s David Anders, basically reprising his role as Adam from Heroes, because he is invincible and also REALLY ANNOYING. Ally and Cool Aunt continue to be characters.  

Next Week: Elena feels bad for locking Stefan in the basement, and turns to Damon for comfort because she is so distraught. (That’s just a guess, but I think it’s a pretty good one.)

Kick-Ass: so good

I super loved this movie. It was just fun as hell to watch. And personally, I was not offended by the violence or cussing. I just wasn’t. I basically thought it was awesome. I do enjoy Tarantino films, and the occasional comic (everyone should read The Killing Joke and Ghostworld, they’re great) so I guess I’m not really wired to be offended by semi-humorous over-the-top violence set to pop music.

I liked this so much, I already can’t wait to see it again (which will be when it comes out on DVD. It’s great, but it’s no District 9)!

Grade: A-

No Vampire Diaries recap this week.

Too much to do and the charger on my laptop broke. Have a happy weekend!

Love Letter #9: Timothy Olyphant

Dear Timothy Olyphant, 

Oh Lord you are perfect.

Deadwood simply would not be as great if you weren’t Seth Bullock, a.k.a. The Badass Sheriff of Hotness. Not only is your face the prettiest thing on the show (unless there is some kind of gaping wound on it, which is a lot of times), but it is most expressive when it comes to repressed anger. Your acting in the season 1 finale was absolutely terrifying and titillating! Punch Alma’s dad in the face again please! Yay!

"Maybe I will. And maybe I will like it."

You had a string of ‘seedy’ type characters before Deadwood, including Go, and The Girl Next Door (remember that film? It was a run-of-the-mill teen sex comedy starring PAUL DANO and EMILE HIRSCH. Haha, everybody has to start somewhere!). Those movies were just alright; at least your face was in them, because your face is hot!

I think it’s hilarious that as well as acting, you do sportscasting for an LA radio station. Even cooler than that, when you you’re too busy to sportscast, you get CHRISTIAN FUCKING GLOVER to fill in. If Christian Glover always did sports reporting, then maybe I would care about sports! (No offense Timothy.)

And of course there’s Live Free or Die Hard, which I was in London for during the premiere, but didn’t stick around for BECAUSE I WAS 17 AND DIDN’T KNOW WHO YOU WERE, but now look back on as yet another devestatingly missed opportunity to meet and/or yell at a celebrity, like the time I saw Travis Barker at the airport, or DJ Qualls on the street in Florence, which would have been a prime opportunity to yell, “HEY NEW GUY!” and then have no follow up.

Anyway, back to you Timothy.  You’re on Justified now, which was great at first then just good then kinda of bad, but will hopefully get better. It’s just the writing that is sucking now though, not you! 🙂

And let’s not forget about Dreamcatcher.

Oops! Nevermind! I take it back, I meant LET’S forget about Dreamcatcher.

Love,

Freckles

The Vampire Diaires S01EP17: You forgot your purse!

This episode starts out with a storm coming, so we know it is going to be SUPER INTENSE and REVELATORY.

Anna asks Jeremy to give her one good reason to turn him into a vampire, so he stares at her blankly and says “uhhhhhhhh.” Protip: when someone asks you why you want them to turn you into a vampire, MAKE SOMETHING UP. Just go with it. Whatever comes. “I want to live forever,” for example. In fact, that’s a pretty good one, and I thought of it in like a second. I would definitely go with that over staring blankly and saying “uhhhhhhhh.”

At the vampire boarding house, Douche Vampire with the Goatee is like, “I am SUCH a DOUCHE,” all the time, and Pearl explains that the only way to ‘rebuild’ is if they have patience, and DVG makes the same face you make when your mom explains to you why you have a curfew.

"Whatever, Mom."

Then DVG whittles an extremely smooth and well-shaped stake. It even has a curved handle!

DVG uses his fancy stake to stab Stefan while he is out hunting squirrels. It obviously hurts so bad, he can’t even react:

This show is very ridiculous about when a vampire will die from being staked. Sometimes you have to stab them multiple times, sometimes just once, sometimes they will get stabbed but won’t die at all. If the vampires actually died from being staked the normal amount of times (one) then THEY WOULD ALL BE DEAD BY NOW.

Damon and Elena figure out that Stefan has been kidnapped because his phone goes straight to voice mail (which I’m guessing sounds like this: “Hello, you’ve reached the phone of Stefan Salvatore. If I don’t answer this call, and if I’m not hanging out with Elena, then I have probably been kidnapped.”) and Damon knows who did it right away, so that’s not a problem. Except Damon can’t get in the vampire boarding house because the damn glamoured muggle won’t invite him in, so he has to come up with plan B.

Damon goes back to the car where Elena is waiting, and when he tells her what is going on she automatically tries go rescue Stefan herself. At first, I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me, Elena? I know you’re stupid, but do you really think you can fight 20 vampires all by yourself? …on second thought, Damon, let her try it out. Let’s just see what happens. PLEASE.”

The bad vampires torture Stefan by tying him up with vervain-soaked ropes, cutting his chest one time with a scalpel and putting eye drops in his eyes. I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU, DVG.

Then look who shows up:

Everyone looks at each other like, “Who is this nerd?” and then they tie him to a chair.

Damon and Elena go to the high school to recruit my favorite,

"Me?"

DUH, to help them rescue Stefan, but he is like, “Not my problem.” Haha, I knew there was another reason (besides your face) that I liked you, Ally! But then Damon convinces him by saying Pearl might know where his vampire wife is, and by calling him a coward.

At The Grill, Jeremy finally tells Anna why she should turn him into a vampire, and it is basically that he thinks he doesn’t fit in. Um, how about make some friends you dumb phuck? Anna is like, “These are the only reasons we turn people:

1. need someone to do dirty work
2. boredom
3. revenge
4. love

And of course she is like, “You don’t fit any of those categories, YET.” OMG, I totally bet she is going to turn him out of boredom, right guys?

Then Pearl shows up and Anna has to pretend like they are working on an essay together, not FALLING IN LOVE, and they are about to leave when Tyler and his dad show up. Remember Tyler?

So Tyler’s dad, who is also the mayor, who is also married, hits on Pearl on their way out. At first she is like, “No, dummy,” until she discovers that he is the mayor. She tries to get some information from him I guess, I don’t really know what the hell she’s doing since all she cares about are his ancestors that were alive back in the 1850s, so I don’t really know why he would necssarily know things about them, I mean, it’s not like I know things about my ancestors from the 1850s.

Meanwhile, Jeremy and Anna start sexting each other:

Oops, how did Jeremy get my sext?

Then Pearl asks the mayor who Jeremy is, and when she finds out he’s a Gilbert, she tells Anna to stay away from him. Anna is like, “Fine Mom, jeez!” and then she tells Jeremy that she’ll turn him (because she wants to get back at her mom. So I guess this falls under the ‘revenge’ category?). 

Back at the high school, Damon and Elena and Ally discuss their plan to get inside the bad vampire’s house, which is thus: Ally will go in, then make the muggle tell Damon he can come in too. Good plan. Elena is still on her “What about MEEEEEEEEE?” kick (when is this kick going to end?) and insists on being able to ‘help,’ so Damon says she can drive the getaway car.

They arrive at the vampire boarding house and Ally goes up and asks to use the phone, and then he kills a vampire, and turns on the food processor for a quick carrot and cucumber smoothie,

then he lets Damon in, who kills the muggle lady BY SLAPPING HER FACE. Then Ally leaves and by the time he gets to the car of course Elena is gone because she is the DUMBEST PHUCK THAT EVER PHUCKED. Ally is extremely disappointed in her, but still thoughtful:

"WAIT!"

"YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE!"

So Elena sneaks into the basement and rescues both Stefan and Hall Monitor. Of course she does, because she is a strong, independant female character who is just as badass as the boys. Except NO SHE ISN’T. Elena is not a mythological creature, she is a regular person. I understand if she can’t rescue her vampire boyfriend from other vampires. THAT IS LIFE SOMETIMES. What I’m saying is, this show has no stakes, at all. This is a show where a human girl, not strong or fast or supernatural in anyway, can rescue her vampire boyfriend from other vampires JUST BECAUSE. And we all know she isn’t going to die because this show is stupid. I’m not worried about any of the main characters on this showing being killed, because it’s not going to happen. No duh it probably never would, I mean, you have to have characters to have a show, but if there isn’t at least the illusion of danger, then WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?

So while Elena takes Stefan to the car, Damon goes around and tries to kill as many of the bad vampires as possible, except he gets out numbered, and almost killed, until Ally saves his ass. Oh jeez, I bet he did it just to say, “If anyone is going to kill you, it is going to be me.” I really hope they accidently become BFFs, and just travel around the country together, looking for their long lost loves and trying to find something to live for in this crazy, crazy world. What I’m saying is, I hope they go somewhere FAR AWAY from Elena and Stefan. Also, I wanted an excuse to make this:

So Damon looks at Ally after he saves his life, and is like, “I’m going after Fredrick!” and then runs off.

"Did somebody say my name?"

Damon is like, “Yes, I did say Frederick, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard anyone mention a character named Frederick before, though oftentimes I’m not really paying attention…so it could have been mentioned? What I’m saying is, I have no idea who Frederick is.”

Exactly. Quick Zoller, get out your rifle before they all get out of range!

So Elena gets Stefan to the car but DVG gets there too, and he starts kicking Stefan’s ass, and almost kills him, but Elena is like, “Here, drink my blood for your strength!” and Stefan is like, “No it’s wrong!” and Elena just shoves her wrist by his face and is like, “It’s okay, I don’t mind!” and I’m like, “Stefan, just do it, you dumb pansy.” So he does, and I guess it hurts, but not too much:

Of course, Stefan likes her blood TOO MUCH, and he kills DVG, and just keeps killing him BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD. Elena is like, “Stefan! Stop!” and his face is all angry and he has a look like he doesn’t know what is going on, but then he calms down and is like, “It’s good. I’m good.” BUT WE KNOW HE IS ADDICTED ALREADY.

Meanwhile, while all this is happening, Caroline was busy getting stuck in the woods and falling down muddy hills and finding dead bodies (which belonged to Vicki). So she goes to tell Matt the bad news:

"What stupid thing did you do now? Haha!"

"Oh phuck."

I like how Caroline is standing by herself, but then her mom steps out of the shadows to make it extra dramatic. I don’t know much about Sheriffing, but I suppose that is how it’s done. I hope she pulls a Bullock next week (on Matt’s mom).

Anyway, everbody is very very sad about Vicki being dead, and we find out that the only reason Jeremy wanted to be turned into a vampire was because he thought Vicki was one, and he just wanted to be with her forever and ever. But now that he knows she’s just dead, he probs doesn’t want to be one anymore.

And Ally and Damon have a drink at The Grill, and Ally punches Damon in the face right in front of everybody. Good job.

And I guess that is it. Wait a minute…

 

 

 

 

 

THE END.

Next Week: Stefan becomes a blood-addicted bad boy, and Weredouche screams “WHY?!” at the moon and then accidently morphs into a collie wearing a t-shirt.

Picture of the day 04.07.10

Isn’t this the most wonderful thing you have ever seen?

Picture of the day 04.06.10 (LOST edition)