Oh Lord, Vampire Diaries fans, what now?

I was on tumblr this morning when I came across Fuck Yeah Vampire Diaries Secrets, a blog where people submit ‘secret’ thoughts & desires about the show; it’s something like Post Secret for people who don’t have lives.

This person got it right:

I like the big red stamp on her face in the second picture so much I’ll give you a pass for misspelling ‘too.’

Then I saw these about Jeremy and Weredouche, and it made me feel like I must be missing something…

Haha, “Please fuck now,” indeed.

If anyone is handy with photoshop I highly recommend submitting something hilarious, but not too mean, so they will actually post it. If you do, let me know which one it is and I’ll repost it here so we can all admire it!

The Vampire Diaries S01EP19: You get to take a time-out in the basement!

[Note: Sorry this is so late! I had an assignment due last night at midnight, and I finished it at 11:57; needless to say, I didn’t have any time to work on the recap. I also wanted to say that this recap is going to be a bit shorter than usual, as I am doing it entirely from memory (usually I recap as I watch), so it will probably be grossly inaccurate and even more ridiculous than usual.]

If you’re wondering what happened last week: nothing much!

THIS WEEK, Spookyville is holding its annual Founder’s Ball, which is just another reason for the rich white people in the community to get together and talk about how rich and white they are. Bonnie reminds Elena that she entered the competition to be Miss Mystic Falls, which Elena forgot about, because vampires. Caroline thinks she deserves to win (if the ‘winner’ of this ‘competition’ is awarded with a one way ticket to getting the hell off this show, then yes, I agree, Caroline should definitely win), but she’s afraid Elena might get a sympathy vote because her parents are dead.

"I am a piece of shit."

Elena doesn’t really want to continue being in the competition, but Bonnie reminds her that her parents are dead. Oh! Bonnie is back! She explains that things were just too hard after Gran died to come back to school, so that’s why she’s been gone for four episodes. Um, I’m pretty sure you can’t just not come to school for weeks because a family member you didn’t even live with dies. I mean, I guess I have no idea how much time has passed since Gran died; for all I know, The Vampire Diaries could be the 24 of shitty supernatural teen dramas, and everything so far has taken place in one day. Elena is like, “Remember when I first found out you were a vampire, and then we fell in love, and then we thought Damon maybe killed my real mom?” Stefan is like, “Yeah, that happened two hours ago.”

So Elena decides to be in the Founders Ball because her parents are dead, and Stefan is her escort, except he is addicted to human blood now, so he sucks at escorting. He didn’t even compliment Elena’s dress because all he can think about is his stash:

Stefan starts to have withdrawals before they even get to the dancing part, and he and Elena have some kind of dumb fight about something, so he storms off, punches a mirror, and kidnaps a girl. When Stefan freaks out, HE FREAKS OUT. Stefan takes the girl into the woods and tries really hard not to eat her, but his tummy hurts really bad, so he yells at her, then apologizes, then eats her anyway.

With Stefan off  in the woods, Elena doesn’t have anyone to escort her down a flight of stairs. Everyone is watching her, and she looks like a total LOSER. Everyone is like, “WHERE IS STEFAN?!” So Damon steps in, and it’s super scandalous, or something. Later on, Elena and Damon find Stefan eating that girl in the woods, and Damon stops him, but he is so angry he throws Damon into a tree and makes an angry face at Elena, who is like, “I’m sorry, but that is not your most attractive face.”

Nobody knows who Stefan is going to attack next because HE IS SUCH AN ADDICT, but Bonnie is just like, “I’m bored,” and uses her witch powers to make Stefan’s brain hurt so he will just give it up.

(insert own joke here)

Then Bonnie tells Elena that she is so over vampires and being Elena’s friend. She is like, “See ya, Elena! I’m going to go light some candles with my eyes and have loads more fun than you will with that pussy Stefan. Later, sucka!”  

So Stefan runs home (probably screaming “I’m a monster!” while little bitch tears stream down his face) and the Lady Sheriff finds the girl he was eating, who isn’t dead, just hurt. Turns out the girl doesn’t remember anything, so who cares? 

At the vampire chic castle, Stefan is pacing back and forth in his bedroom and thinking about his next score, when Elena comes in and pretends like she wants to help him, but instead she stabs him with a vervain stake and then she and Damon lock him in the basement. Great idea, guys. Really good thinking.

What everyone else was doing: Jeremy decides that he actually does like Anna (because Vicki is still DEAD, thank God), and Anna forgives him for being a dummy, and they are basically going to be a couple now. Pearl gives Damon some ‘invention’ that Olde Ancestor Gilbert made in 1850s. She has no idea what it does, but we all know it is going to be very important because DUH. Oh yeah, and Elena and Jeremy’s Uncle is on the show now, and it’s David Anders, basically reprising his role as Adam from Heroes, because he is invincible and also REALLY ANNOYING. Ally and Cool Aunt continue to be characters.  

Next Week: Elena feels bad for locking Stefan in the basement, and turns to Damon for comfort because she is so distraught. (That’s just a guess, but I think it’s a pretty good one.)

No Vampire Diaries recap this week.

Too much to do and the charger on my laptop broke. Have a happy weekend!

The Vampire Diaires S01EP17: You forgot your purse!

This episode starts out with a storm coming, so we know it is going to be SUPER INTENSE and REVELATORY.

Anna asks Jeremy to give her one good reason to turn him into a vampire, so he stares at her blankly and says “uhhhhhhhh.” Protip: when someone asks you why you want them to turn you into a vampire, MAKE SOMETHING UP. Just go with it. Whatever comes. “I want to live forever,” for example. In fact, that’s a pretty good one, and I thought of it in like a second. I would definitely go with that over staring blankly and saying “uhhhhhhhh.”

At the vampire boarding house, Douche Vampire with the Goatee is like, “I am SUCH a DOUCHE,” all the time, and Pearl explains that the only way to ‘rebuild’ is if they have patience, and DVG makes the same face you make when your mom explains to you why you have a curfew.

"Whatever, Mom."

Then DVG whittles an extremely smooth and well-shaped stake. It even has a curved handle!

DVG uses his fancy stake to stab Stefan while he is out hunting squirrels. It obviously hurts so bad, he can’t even react:

This show is very ridiculous about when a vampire will die from being staked. Sometimes you have to stab them multiple times, sometimes just once, sometimes they will get stabbed but won’t die at all. If the vampires actually died from being staked the normal amount of times (one) then THEY WOULD ALL BE DEAD BY NOW.

Damon and Elena figure out that Stefan has been kidnapped because his phone goes straight to voice mail (which I’m guessing sounds like this: “Hello, you’ve reached the phone of Stefan Salvatore. If I don’t answer this call, and if I’m not hanging out with Elena, then I have probably been kidnapped.”) and Damon knows who did it right away, so that’s not a problem. Except Damon can’t get in the vampire boarding house because the damn glamoured muggle won’t invite him in, so he has to come up with plan B.

Damon goes back to the car where Elena is waiting, and when he tells her what is going on she automatically tries go rescue Stefan herself. At first, I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me, Elena? I know you’re stupid, but do you really think you can fight 20 vampires all by yourself? …on second thought, Damon, let her try it out. Let’s just see what happens. PLEASE.”

The bad vampires torture Stefan by tying him up with vervain-soaked ropes, cutting his chest one time with a scalpel and putting eye drops in his eyes. I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU, DVG.

Then look who shows up:

Everyone looks at each other like, “Who is this nerd?” and then they tie him to a chair.

Damon and Elena go to the high school to recruit my favorite,

"Me?"

DUH, to help them rescue Stefan, but he is like, “Not my problem.” Haha, I knew there was another reason (besides your face) that I liked you, Ally! But then Damon convinces him by saying Pearl might know where his vampire wife is, and by calling him a coward.

At The Grill, Jeremy finally tells Anna why she should turn him into a vampire, and it is basically that he thinks he doesn’t fit in. Um, how about make some friends you dumb phuck? Anna is like, “These are the only reasons we turn people:

1. need someone to do dirty work
2. boredom
3. revenge
4. love

And of course she is like, “You don’t fit any of those categories, YET.” OMG, I totally bet she is going to turn him out of boredom, right guys?

Then Pearl shows up and Anna has to pretend like they are working on an essay together, not FALLING IN LOVE, and they are about to leave when Tyler and his dad show up. Remember Tyler?

So Tyler’s dad, who is also the mayor, who is also married, hits on Pearl on their way out. At first she is like, “No, dummy,” until she discovers that he is the mayor. She tries to get some information from him I guess, I don’t really know what the hell she’s doing since all she cares about are his ancestors that were alive back in the 1850s, so I don’t really know why he would necssarily know things about them, I mean, it’s not like I know things about my ancestors from the 1850s.

Meanwhile, Jeremy and Anna start sexting each other:

Oops, how did Jeremy get my sext?

Then Pearl asks the mayor who Jeremy is, and when she finds out he’s a Gilbert, she tells Anna to stay away from him. Anna is like, “Fine Mom, jeez!” and then she tells Jeremy that she’ll turn him (because she wants to get back at her mom. So I guess this falls under the ‘revenge’ category?). 

Back at the high school, Damon and Elena and Ally discuss their plan to get inside the bad vampire’s house, which is thus: Ally will go in, then make the muggle tell Damon he can come in too. Good plan. Elena is still on her “What about MEEEEEEEEE?” kick (when is this kick going to end?) and insists on being able to ‘help,’ so Damon says she can drive the getaway car.

They arrive at the vampire boarding house and Ally goes up and asks to use the phone, and then he kills a vampire, and turns on the food processor for a quick carrot and cucumber smoothie,

then he lets Damon in, who kills the muggle lady BY SLAPPING HER FACE. Then Ally leaves and by the time he gets to the car of course Elena is gone because she is the DUMBEST PHUCK THAT EVER PHUCKED. Ally is extremely disappointed in her, but still thoughtful:

"WAIT!"

"YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE!"

So Elena sneaks into the basement and rescues both Stefan and Hall Monitor. Of course she does, because she is a strong, independant female character who is just as badass as the boys. Except NO SHE ISN’T. Elena is not a mythological creature, she is a regular person. I understand if she can’t rescue her vampire boyfriend from other vampires. THAT IS LIFE SOMETIMES. What I’m saying is, this show has no stakes, at all. This is a show where a human girl, not strong or fast or supernatural in anyway, can rescue her vampire boyfriend from other vampires JUST BECAUSE. And we all know she isn’t going to die because this show is stupid. I’m not worried about any of the main characters on this showing being killed, because it’s not going to happen. No duh it probably never would, I mean, you have to have characters to have a show, but if there isn’t at least the illusion of danger, then WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?

So while Elena takes Stefan to the car, Damon goes around and tries to kill as many of the bad vampires as possible, except he gets out numbered, and almost killed, until Ally saves his ass. Oh jeez, I bet he did it just to say, “If anyone is going to kill you, it is going to be me.” I really hope they accidently become BFFs, and just travel around the country together, looking for their long lost loves and trying to find something to live for in this crazy, crazy world. What I’m saying is, I hope they go somewhere FAR AWAY from Elena and Stefan. Also, I wanted an excuse to make this:

So Damon looks at Ally after he saves his life, and is like, “I’m going after Fredrick!” and then runs off.

"Did somebody say my name?"

Damon is like, “Yes, I did say Frederick, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard anyone mention a character named Frederick before, though oftentimes I’m not really paying attention…so it could have been mentioned? What I’m saying is, I have no idea who Frederick is.”

Exactly. Quick Zoller, get out your rifle before they all get out of range!

So Elena gets Stefan to the car but DVG gets there too, and he starts kicking Stefan’s ass, and almost kills him, but Elena is like, “Here, drink my blood for your strength!” and Stefan is like, “No it’s wrong!” and Elena just shoves her wrist by his face and is like, “It’s okay, I don’t mind!” and I’m like, “Stefan, just do it, you dumb pansy.” So he does, and I guess it hurts, but not too much:

Of course, Stefan likes her blood TOO MUCH, and he kills DVG, and just keeps killing him BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD. Elena is like, “Stefan! Stop!” and his face is all angry and he has a look like he doesn’t know what is going on, but then he calms down and is like, “It’s good. I’m good.” BUT WE KNOW HE IS ADDICTED ALREADY.

Meanwhile, while all this is happening, Caroline was busy getting stuck in the woods and falling down muddy hills and finding dead bodies (which belonged to Vicki). So she goes to tell Matt the bad news:

"What stupid thing did you do now? Haha!"

"Oh phuck."

I like how Caroline is standing by herself, but then her mom steps out of the shadows to make it extra dramatic. I don’t know much about Sheriffing, but I suppose that is how it’s done. I hope she pulls a Bullock next week (on Matt’s mom).

Anyway, everbody is very very sad about Vicki being dead, and we find out that the only reason Jeremy wanted to be turned into a vampire was because he thought Vicki was one, and he just wanted to be with her forever and ever. But now that he knows she’s just dead, he probs doesn’t want to be one anymore.

And Ally and Damon have a drink at The Grill, and Ally punches Damon in the face right in front of everybody. Good job.

And I guess that is it. Wait a minute…

 

 

 

 

 

THE END.

Next Week: Stefan becomes a blood-addicted bad boy, and Weredouche screams “WHY?!” at the moon and then accidently morphs into a collie wearing a t-shirt.

The Vampire Diaries S01EP16: Serious answers only please

This episode starts out with Anna and her mom Pearl running a boarding house for the vampires who have escaped the tomb. And it’s funny because these vampires are from the 1800’s, so they don’t know anything about modern conviences! Haha, TV’s have more than one channel–they have lots of channels! Silly vampires!

Vampires are hilarious!

Anna discovers that while living with so many vampires can be hilarious, it can also be sad! Like how they all use the muggle that owns the house for food, even when it hurts her! Anna decides she all of a sudden has a heart (remember when she could care less if Mini died in that one episode?), and tells her to go get some rest, but then the douche vampire with the goatee is like, “I hate my food when it is rested.”

Um, you have something on your face...a little more to the left...a little more...oh nevermind.

The next morning at Matt’s house we find him calling out for his mom, who doesn’t repsond for a minute, but then comes out of her room all annoyed that he woke her up. He is like, “I was just making sure you were still alive.” Wow, this is just like the movie The Road, where Viggo Mortensen’s character puts his hand on his son’s chest every morning to make sure he is still breathing, except The Road is a masterpiece and The Vampire Diaries is a garbage vampire show riding the coattails of Twilight on a fledging network. Other than that, they’re basically the same.

Gross, Matt's mom! You really should clean under your fingernails more often.

Matt is like, “Please stop bringing home so many guys and banging them all the time,” and Matt’s mom is like, “It was only one guy, thank you very much.”

"And I didn't even eat his brains, okay? Don't be so judgy."

Then Caroline comes over and says, “Hi Mrs. Donovan,” and she is like, “Whatever, bitch,” and leaves the room. I think it’s safe to say what mug she was drinking her morning vodka out of:

At school, Elena and Stefan discuss how depressed Damon still is over Katherine, and then they make a joke about how he is such an asshole.

“He may have a broken heart, but he’s still a dick!” –Stefan and Elena, in unison

At the boarding house for olde and hilarious vampires, Pearl is teaching the guy who killed the hiker in the last episode how to use a cell phone. She is teaching him how to text when it suddenly goes off–and he is startled!

Haha, another hilarious scene involving someone from the 1800’s reacting to modern technology! Keep ’em coming Vampire Diaries writers! You’re doing great!

Anna and Pearl decide to go run some errands, and the douche vampire with a goatee, let’s call him DVG, throws a bitch fit and is like, “How come I don’t get to go?” And Pearl says, “Because.” 

At school Caroline talks to Elena and Stefan about going on a double date. Elena is like, “Won’t that be weird because I used to date your boyfriend who is still obviously in love with me?” And Caroline is like, “Huh?” And Stefan says:

It sounds fun…as in fun. –actual quote

Damon comes home from whatever he was doing outside and immediately is like, “Something seems off…” We know this because there is ridiculous music playing in the background while he is just walking around. Then he sees Pearl and Anna (they must have gotten lost on their way to the blood bank (haha! Classic vampire-running-errands joke!)), and Pearl is like, “Since there are no humans living here, we were able to come in uninvited, WHICH IS GOING TO BE IMPORTANT LATER ON IN THE EPISODE.”

Damon is like, “Important later on in the episode this, bitch!”

Pearl is like, “I’ve been choked by stronger babies than you,” and removes his hand, then pushes him to ground, and Damon mentally adds another thing to his list of Reason Why I’m Depressed:

1. Katherine doesn’t love me
2. Stefan doesn’t love me
3. Elena doesn’t love me
4. I’m a weak bitch

Pearl proceeds to tell Damon that she knows he has infiltrated ‘the Council’ (the group of humans that know about/are trying to kill vampires), and she wants him to report everything he knows back to her because she wants to ‘rebuild.’ Rebuild to like how things were back in the 1800’s, when you had to hide from everyone? Rebuild back to that? Hm. You might want to think that through a bit better.

Damon refuses to help her.

"I might be a weak bitch, but at least I ain't stupid!"

Pearl tells him that if he helps her, she’ll help him find Katherine. Damon is like, “I’m over that mid-century beetch,” and gets up to leave when Pearl tells him that helping her is non-negotiable. And she proves her point by getting her thumbs caught in his eyesockets, 28 Days Later style.

She is like, “I am 400 years older than you and 600 years bitchier–you will do what I say!” On her way out she says, “I’ll be in touch. Maybe I’ll trying texting for the first time.”

At the Gilbert household, Mini McQueen is surfing the net:

I just don’t understand 21st Century teens and their obsession with chat rooms! –your mom

Mini is ‘Vampjer.’

Haha, ‘serious answers only please.’ He is like, “What do you think this is, a chat room for mildly retarded teens who have an unhealthy obsession with vampires?” They are like, “Yes.”

After that brief interaction with ‘Bloodybecky’, Mini decides he does in fact believe in vampires. 

If Stefan and ‘Bloodybecky’ teamed up, they would probably be the toughest and most convincing legal team EVER. Stefan would just say, “Your honor, what my client did, he did for fun. For fun.” Then ‘Bloodybecky’ would add, “You’re a lover of fun, aren’t you?” and the judge would say, “Case dismissed!” and the murderer would go free. Probably.

Anyway, Stefan drops by Elena’s house to give her some flowers:

"I thought I said roses were my favorite."

They talk about the double date and Elena says, “It’s not too late to cancel, you know,” and Stefan is like, “Why would we do that?” and Elena says, “Because I USED TO DATE MATT, who is STILL IN LOVE WITH ME. I’m sure how I could possibly be more clear about how weird it is going to be.” Stefan thinks about it for a minute, then says desperately, “But…fun.” Elena is like, “I can’t argue that,” then she asks Stefan if he’s even ever been on a double date before, and he says, “Yeah, ’72. With Hef and the playmates. I got Ms. July.”

Pearl and Anna meet Cool Aunt in town, who is a realtor, apparently, and she shows them the old building that Pearl used to own in the 1800s because they want to buy it. As Pearl and Cool Aunt going inside, Anna gets distracted by Mini walking down the street:

"I wonder what he's thinking about."

"I thought I uploaded the new Nickleback album already..."

At The Grill, Damon runs into Matt’s mom (oh, his eyes grew back, in case you were wondering), and she is like, “You’re not from around here; I would know since I’ve banged every guy in this town. Twice.” Then Cool Aunt shows up too and says Matt’s mom used to babysit her and also party with her. Matt’s mom says that Cool Aunt used to be ‘crazy,’ in a last-ditch attempt to make Cool Aunt seem more 3 dimensional.

 While Damon, Matt’s mom and Cool Aunt are getting drunk together at what must be the only bar/restaurant in town, Elena, Stefan, Matt and Caroline are double dating at a booth 10 yards away. Everyone is like, “Matt, your mom is a mess.” He is like, “I know.

At the vampire boarding house, DVG is getting restless and decides to leave the house even though Pearl told him not to. He is half way out the door with another vampire lady when the hiker-killing vampire is like, “Where do you think you’re going? Don’t ignore me, I’ll tell! I’ll do it! You’ll get in trouble big time!”

At the Gilbert house, Anna decides to pay a visit to Mini, who is so overjoyed to see her again that he can barely hide the look of fear on his face and the shit he just diposited in his pants.

"Maybe she is very bad at smelling things. Also, Grey's Anatomy sucks."

Anna tells Mini that she is staying in town forever now and that she is even going to try to enroll in the high school. Mini has obviously figured out that she is a vampire, so he is playin’ it real cool. Their conversation sounded a bit like this:

ANNA: So if I start going to high school you’ll be seeing a lot more of me!

MINI: (knits brow) But how will you be able to go out in the sunlight?

ANNA: What?

MINI: I mean, what will you eat at lunch time?

ANNA: What?

MINI: I mean, what if the science teacher decides he wants to do a lab about blood types and everyone starts pricking their fingers and you are surrounded by the smell of blood. Will you eat us all?

ANNA: What?

MINI: Oh, shoot, I almost forgot The Mentalist is on tonight! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

At The Grill, the doubler-daters reminisce about the good olde days when they were only sophomores in high school, and Matt and Elena tell a cool and interesting story about how they both got drunk at The Grill on homecoming. When that’s over, Caroline is like, “I have to pee,” and makes Elena come with her.

Matt tells Stefan that he thinks Stefan is ‘that guy,’  i.e. the guy that has everything and makes everyone else feel like a loser.

"Yeah, I can see that."

In the bathroom, Caroline tells Elena to stop telling cool and interesting stories about her and Matt, or else she will mirror scare her.

On their way out of the bathroom, DVG sees Elena and thinks she is Katherine, but realizes his mistake when she plays it cool. Also when Caroline calls her Elena. When they get back to the boys, Elena tells Stefan that a man just called her Katherine, and he is like, “Maybe we should cut the night short,” and Elena is like, “But…fun.” Stefan is like, “I’ve created a monster!”

They decide to take the double date to the Vampire Chic Castle, where Matt is impressed, and Caroline is like, “I feel like I’ve been here before,” and Elena and Stefan just look at each other like, “That’s because you have been here before, when you were banging Damon and letting him drink your blood. Oh, and he almost killed you here.”

Then Stefan and Matt bond over sports cars and being MEN, while Elena fiddles around in the background trying to get her face to make more than one expression and Caroline just continues to wear these:

At The Grill, Cool Aunt decides to leave when Damon and Matt’s mom start to get nasty, and she breaks her shoe on the way out.

DVG comes up and helps her out by breaking off the other heel, instead of simply suggesting she take her shoes off. Then he tries to glamor her, but she is wearing vervain perfume, so she is able to get away.

At the vampire castle, Caroline pulls Elena aside to say this:

Elena is like, “Huh?”

Then Stefan and Matt come over and Stefan lets Matt take Caroline for a ride in his fancy vintage car.

Meanwhile, Mini and Anna are making sandwiches, and Mini cuts his hand on purpose to try and expose Anna. Anna chokes him.

Just as the fridge says, Mini is a PRO at revealing vampires.

Then Anna starts to drink Mini’s hand, and he LOVES it.

"Can you bring a whip and wear all leather next time?"

While Mini is busy jizzing pants over rough blood-drinking, Matt is creaming his because the fancy vintage car he is driving is SO FANCY.

"I can't wait for tonight's episode of The Mentalist."

Once Matt zips it up, Caroline like, “WHAT ABOUT ME? Waaaaaaah!” And then they make up and whatever who cares they are boring.

Damon shows up at the Vampire Castle with Matt’s mom, because they are going to fuck. Gross, Matt’s mom, you are the worst. Of course, Matt sees them making out, and he is like, “Gross, my mom, you are the worst,” and he takes her home and scolds her.

"Matty, can we please talk about his later? The Mentalist is on next."

Anna goes back to the vampire boarding house where her mom gives her the third degree (that’s a thing people say, right?) about where she’s been all night, like she can’t take care of herself after living on her own for the last 150 years. Jeez, moms suck, huh! (Especially when your mom is Matt’s mom. She’s the worst!)

Elena takes Caroline home, leaving the Salvatore bros. alone in their castle, which as we remember from Pearl’s visit, is unprotected against unwelcome vampires. So, they are just hanging out, doing whatever, when what do you know? Two unwelcome vampires (DVG and the lady vampire) bust through a window and attack them. Stefan gets stabbed with broken glass, and is basically getting dominated by the lady vampire, until the chair he got thrown into it happens to spinter into a stake, and he is able to stab the lady vampire. DVG sees this and flees back to the boarding house, where he tells Pearl that she was right and he shouldn’t have left. Pearl stabs him with a wooden spoon; not for death, but just for a tummy ache, because she is in control.

Later, Anna sneaks out to go back to see Mini, where she tells him she could have killed him. He is like, “But you didn’t,” and they share moment. Then Anna is like, “Why did you confront me like that though?” And Mini is like, “Because I want you to turn me.”

Cue ominous metal music.

THE END.

Next week: DVG and the other tomb vampires kidnap Stefan and torture him. And you know what? If Alaric isn’t in this episode, it will be like TORTURE FOR ME. Where’s my boy?

"Me?"

YAY.

The Vampire Diaries S01EP15: I'll just Bing it

Can you believe it’s been over a month since the last episode aired? HOW HAS EXISTENCE AS WE KNOW IT NOT FAILED TO CEASE? I mean, I know my mom said life would go on, but usually she just says things like that to get me to STOP CRYING.

I’m sure the only way I’ve been able to survive this long is because of my VD charm bracelet (which looks especially good when worn with this shirt ).

Anyway, time to get to last night’s episode:

It started out with a hiker, just doing his thing, wearing some flannel, hiking around; then there is some ominous music and he turns around and sees that vampire that escaped from the tomb in the last episode (you know, the tomb that Grams said only a BILLION times that no vampires would ever be able to escape from) standing behind him. The vampire is like “what year is it?” and the hiker takes a good look at him and says “2010 NO DOY” then adds “why are you wearing that?”

"What, you mean this completely normal looking shirt?"

And then the vampire eats him and takes his clothes. Then hiker’s cell phone starts to ring in his pocket, so the vampire takes it out, and since he doesn’t know what the hell a cell phone is, he throws it hard at the hiker’s dead body. Problem solved.

While hiker is getting murdered and having phones thrown at him, Elena is sooooper busy:

Looks like someone finally remembered what the title of the show is.

Then Cool Aunt walks up in her jean jacket and tiny scarf and is like “why are you out here in the cold?” and Elena is like “HAVE YOU FOUND ANY INFORMATION ON MY REAL MOM YET?” and Cool Aunt takes a deep breath and reminds herself it’s not cool to punch a teen. So they go inside and look through Elena’s fake dad’s medical records where they find a person named Isobel Peterson, and they decide her last name must be from a friend or relative, and they use Bing to find out. BING WILL HELP YOU FIND YOUR LONG LOST TEENAGE MOTHER.

Good job Bing. You rawk so much harder than Google. –Elena

Elena is like “I’m not convinced I see the resemblance”.

Then Cool Aunt tells Elena that the other girl in the photo lives nearby, but she couldn’t find anything on Isobel, and also that Alaric’s wife’s name was Isobel. Elena is like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WAS?”

Then she and Stefan have a heart to heart about what a coincidence it would be if her mom was also Alaric’s wife, who was also killed by Damon. Except Stefan doesn’t tell Elena the Damon part, because it would be too much for her little female pea brain to comprehend.

Damon is hanging out in the vampire castle, having a blood sucking party because he’s still sad about Katherine never having been trapped in a tomb for 300 years.

Then Stefan comes in a ruins all the fun by turning down the music (he is always turning down the music, he is such a grandma) and talking to Damon about Isobel, who Damon doesn’t even remember.

Matt and Caroline are in a relationship now (you remember? I don’t) and they start making out on Matt’s couch when all of a sudden Matt’s alcoholic mom shows up and is like “oh god not on the couch. I use that to barf on”.

I wish I could barf on it too.

Cool Aunt and Alaric are putting up a sign in town about one of those things were bachelors are raffled off to horny/lonely women for a date, and then Cool Aunt tells Alaric about how Elena’s mom was named Isobel and he is like “you mean like my wife?” Yes, and ALSO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE NAMED ISOBEL IN THE WORLD. He is like “well, she never had a baby” and Aunt whips out her phone and shows him the picture they found on the the Bing and he is like “well, she never told me about it”. Really? That’s it? No denial, or anything? Or even asking Cool Aunt if she is 100% sure that Alaric’s Isobel is the same as Elena’s Isobel, because you know what, SHE ISN’T SURE.

Thanks a lot Bing, you dick. –Alaric

Sidenote: Okay Ally, you know I love you and all that (you are def the hottest guy on the show) but WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR HAIR?

End sidenote.

Elena goes to visit Isobel’s friend from the picture, and the friend takes a good look at Elena and is like “you’re her daughter” and invites in her for tea, and also to check to see if she is a vampire. Then Elena tells a really cool story about how at first she wasn’t going to come, but then she was at a stop light and turned it red, and it made her think of learning to drive, and also of her mom, and also of a blind turn she was always warned about. Isobel’s friend is like “if I shut my eyes it’s only because I am trying to imagine what you’re saying”.

Elena asks Isobel’s friend is she knows who her father is, and Isobel’s friend hesitates, and the music is like “she totes knows!” but she ends up saying she doesn’t. Then she goes into the kitchen to get the tea and also text someone:

Because of course there would be a conspiracy around who Elena’s mom is, because DUH. She gives some ‘herbal’ tea to Elena, which is actually vervain, and Elena is like “you know [about vampires]” and Isobel’s friend is like “get out of my house” so Elena leaves no questions asked, no “but I’m only 15 please help me!”, no “but you were her friend!” Just an “Okay let me get my coat.”

On her way out, we see yet another person is stalking Elena by standing right in the middle of the damn street.

Oh phuck there is a California Raisin after you!

Matt and his alcoholic mom hang out and drink a handle of vodka, and I’m like “is that your alcoholic mom or an alcoholic zombie?”

Amirite?

Stefan and Alaric talk about how his dead wife is also Elena’s mom for sure, no doubt, of course, then Stefan tells Ally that he kind of asked Damon if he remembered Isobel, but he didn’t really try very hard. Ally is like “try again bitch” and Stefan is like “what did you say?”

He is like “no really, what did you say, I missed it. A bus went by or something.” Then Ally gives him a picture of Isobel to show Damon, and he leaves Ally by himself to have a flashback about how his wife was obsessed with vampires and would rather research stuff on the Bing than sleep with him.

Bing ruins your sex life. –Isobel

Damon goes out for a midday drink and runs into Ally; they intense stare at each other for a bit then Ally leaves and the lady Sheriff shows up to ask Damon to be one of the bachelors in the raffle. He says it sounds “tasty” and also asks her to look up on Ally because he thinks there’s “something off about him.” Psssst, Damon, I know what it is you’re referring to:

Back at Isobel’s friend’s house, the California Raisin pays her a visit and kills her even though she “did her part” and Elena is “no closer to the truth.” 

"Someone's been drinking motor oil again!"

It’s time for everyone to get ready for the bachelor raffle, so Elena buttons Damon’s shirt for him (don’t ask) and Stefan asks him again (this time with photo) if he knows who Isobel is, and he still doesn’t.

The entire town is at the raffle, including Matt’s mom who is a whore (important detail); and Ally, who makes brief eye contact with Elena, then turns and walks the other way (HAHA); and Damon, who finds out from the lady Sheriff that Alaric’s wife was named Isobel and that she disappeared in North Carolina. Damon is like “I remember her now.”

Then all the bachelors line up and answers inane questions about themselves, and Damon talks about how he knew Ally’s wife and that she was “delicous.” This is everyone’s reactions:

Hm. Decidedly non-descript.

On their way out, Elena and Stefan run into the California Raisin who tells them to stop trying to find Isobel, because “she doesn’t want to know [Elena].” Stefan says the raisin has been glamored, so they agree to do what he says just to make him go away. Then the raisin says “I’m done now” and steps in front of a bus. HAHA WHAT? So now that dude is dead, and all he really did is tell Elena that her mom isn’t actually dead, so now they will probably want to find her even more. What an idiot. Oh, and in the process of getting hit by a semi, his phone flew out of his pocket and Elena picked it up and went home and looked at the recently dialed number and called it. Some lady answered, that was probably her mom, but when Elena spoke, she hung up. Sorry Elena, better luck next time?

Alaric decides its time to kill Damon, so he sneaks into the vampire chic castle where Damon beats him a up a little and tells him that he didn’t actually kill Isobel, but actually slept with her then turned her. Alaric doesn’t like this confession very much, so he tries to stab Damon, but he gets confusion and Damon ends up stabbing him.

There is a strange bubbling sound coming from somewhere (his stab wound I guess?), and his face looks very pretty in the firelight, and then he dies.

Stefan comes in to find Ally dead on the Turkish rug, and Damon drinking a scotch and staring into the flames, and he is like “god dammit.” Damon is like “you know, if Isobel is Elena’s mom, then that means she was related to Katherine, so maybe Katherine sent Isobel to me, and therefore she still loves me… oh, and clean that up.”

"I always have to clean up after you!"

But he doesn’t have to clean up anything because Ally miraculously comes back to life because of the ring his wife gave him in a flashback. Apparently, in this world, rings are the Most Powerful of All Time, and can do anything. Glad too see you’re not dead.

"Me?"

Yes you, Prettyface! Though I can’t say the same for so many others:

The End.

Next week: Stefan and Elena double date with Caroline and Matt. Oh boy, who’s going to end up being killed by a vampire this time? I vote for all of them!

The Vampire Diaries recaps are back!

Check back later today to see what is up with the nation’s fourth favorite* vampire franchise!

Look at Stefan: always killin' it!

*after Twilight, True Blood and Dracula

fool me once

Okay, so sorry if this recap is crap, I’m still a bit sniffly and weird-feeling. Here goes nothin’:

Elena wakes up in a hotel room after being kidnapped and sees some dude asleep in a chair.

Then she starts scrambling around in the bed like it is the scariest thing she has ever seen and she tries to sneak out but he is AN EFFING VAMPIRE so of course he stops her. Then he tries to glamour her but she is still wearing vervain so she just fakes it and tries to escape again, but this time Anna is at the door she is like “I don’t think so” and she throws Elena in the bathroom where Bonnie is taking a nap in the bath tub.

Over at the Vampire Chic Castle, Damon is reading a really olde-looking book when Stefan rushes in and asks if he knows where Anna is living so he can find Elena. Damon is like “no”, so Stefan launches into this whole apology about how much he hates Damon and how Damon has the right to hate him too and that he’s sorry and the whole world is sorry and where is Anna living? Then Damon is like “I mean this sincerely: I hope Elena dies” and I am like “high five!” but Stefan just makes this sad face like, “darn it” or something, and I think this is why I hate Stefan so much. His brother just told him he hopes the girl he loves dies, and all he can muster is “darn it”. WHAT????????? DON’T YOU HAVE ANY OTHER EMOTION THAN BORING AS FUCK??????????????????????????

"Darn it."

Stefan, you suck.

Bonnie wakes up from naptime and is like “OMG Ben is a vamp–” but Elena cuts her off with a shush and is like “they can hear” and then she turns on the tap because runing water overpowers supernatural vampire hearing. Then Elena tells Bonnie they probably need Bonnie’s witch skillz to open the tomb and Bonnie is like “never!” but then Ben says that Elena is there for “motivation”, i.e. they will kill Elena if Bonnie doesn’t do exactly what they say. Know what Bonnie? I bet they’re bluffing. Why don’t you do what you want, and see what happens? 🙂

Elena come out of the bathroom and Anna is like “you are Katherine’s doppleganger” and Elena is like “who are you?” Good question. She is a dumbass fairy turned dumbass vampire who used to be Little Bo Peep. Got that?

Over at the super-posh-cafe-just-for-teens, Mini and Matt and Weredouche are just hangin’ when Caroline comes in and invites Mini to a party in the woods (bad idea) with some guy named Duke (super bad idea). And then she has more relationship stuff with Matt. Boo.

And it turns out Damon does care, because he goes to Bonnie’s Gram’s house to try and find out where Bonnie is, but Grams just hurts his brain with her eyes and then makes him leave. Also, she is wearing brown lipstick.

Your lips are brown. Like BROWN. You know? Oh, okay, just checking.

Anna and Elena talk about letting Katherine out of the tomb and Anna says no one even likes Katherine and she only wants to open the tomb to let her mommy, Pearl, out. Then Anna uses Elena’s phone to call Stefan and try and trade Elena for the grimore, but Damon only secretly cares, so he won’t give Stefan the grimore. Once again, Stefan is like “darn it.”

"Darn it again."

Then Anna leaves to make the non-existent trade with Stefan, and leaves Ben alone with Bonnie and Elena in the hotel room. Elena gets thirsty and starts to drink some water when Bonnie is like “I’m thirsty too, winkwink” and instead of drinking it she throws it on Ben’s arm and then makes the water turn into fire.

Then they try to run out but Ben catches Elena and Bonnie is stupid enough to stay behind with her.

Mini bumps into Anna as she’s on her way to meet Stefan and invites her to Duke’s forest party and she is like “uhhhhhhhhhhh” until he tells her that it is in the woods. Then she is like “YES”.

Damon shows up to meet Anna and he is like “I work alone” until Anna threatens Elena and then he decides to help her. Or at least pretend to. We know Damon by now, I think?

Back at the hotel room Ben is walking around like he owns the place when Stefan bursts in and opens the curtains. Ben gets burned by the sunlight and the girls escape and Stefan says he found them because Grams did ‘a simple locator spell’ or some other witch shit. They go to Gram’s house and Elena decides she wants to help Damon open the tomb and all of a sudden Grams is like ‘good idea’ and decides she will help too but only if they let Katherine out and no one else.

Elena goes to Damon and tries to get him to work with her and Stefan, but he is still on his sassy high horse and wants to be alone. Then Elena takes off her vervain necklace for a ‘simple trust demonstration’ and Damon tries to pretend like it doesn’t warm the cocles of his heart but we all know its does.

Next thing we know, Damon and Elena are at Duke’s forest party together but only to walk through it to the cemetary where the tomb is. Then they light some torches to cook some emaciated Victorian vampires later on.

Mini is back at the par-tay by himself when Weredouche shows up to make fun of him for being alone (um, look who’s talking?) but then Anna shows up and they go (deeper) into the woods together to kiss but and also to get knocked out by Ben (just Mini does that part).

Bonnie and Grams do a spell to open the tomb and it works and Damon rushes in with Elena so Grams won’t seal him inside. Once they are gone Grams reveals that they may have opened the tomb, but it is still ‘sealed’, therefore, vampires can go in, but they can’t come out.

Stefan wanders off for some reason I forgot and he runs into Ben who challenges him to a fight. Stefan throws him on the ground and then the best happens:

Ben: Is that all you got?

Stefan (pulls out a flame thrower): No, I got this.

Goodbye, Ben. You weren’t on the show very long, but I’m pretty sure I never would have liked you.

Elena and Damon finally make it into the tomb where they find a bunch of nasty withered olde vampires who breathe weird.

"It's hard to breathe when you're dead."

It basically seems like Elena is in there by herself for some reason just stumbling around room with a flashlight when she suddenly sees Anna standing there. Uh, where the hell did Damon go? I’m pretty sure you two were just walking down a single corridor together, and yet he got lost? Also, when did Anna sneak in? Whatever, show.

Moving on, Stefan sees that Elena has gone into the tomb and Grams tells him not to go in because he won’t come out. Stefan is okay with it until he hears Elena screaming because Anna bit her to feed her mommy. Stefan saves Elena and then there is drama about him not coming out but Bonnie and Grams do some witch stuff to temporarily take off the seal so Stefan can come out. Damon shows up again and is all sad because Katherine is not in the tomb. Damon throws a bitch fit and almost doesn’t come out before the seal comes back, but of course he comes out and so does Anna and her mommy. They let Anna go because she just wanted her mommy back and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Tell that to Ben’s charred remains, why don’t cha?

They collect Mini and everyone goes home. Elena double checks that Mini doesn’t remember anything (he doesn’t) but when she leaves the room he gets on the computer…

Oh shit, Mini’s gettin’ wise!!!!!!!!!

Anna and Mommy go back to their hotel room to find Damon waiting for them and he is about to kill Mommy when she tells him that Katherine told the guard she’d change him if he let her out and that she’s been living in the outside world forever now. This makes Damon sad because that means Katherine didn’t try to find him and it wasn’t tru luv!!!

Over at Gram’s house, she is acting all tired and stuff because spell work is HARD and she is like “I’m okay” and I am like “I bet she’s going to die” and guess what? SHE DIES.

Goodnight, old lady.

Back at the tomb, a super hulk vampire opens the rock wall and comes out. I guess the spell that killed Grams didn’t even work properly. GOOD JOB EVERYONE. GRAMS IS DEAD AND NO ONE DID ANYTHING RIGHT.

The End

The Next Episode: apparently isn’t airing until next month. According to the CW’s website: “On Thursday, March 25, the passion and romance return with all new episodes!” Um, first of all, I have no idea what you are talking about, and second of all, that is over a month away, which is weird even though I was just complaining about doing these. Oh well, see you in March with more recaps!

I will be recapping this weeks's ep…

of The Vampire Diaries, but I’ve been sick all day and not wanting to do anything but watch LA Ink and shitty movies (Equilibrium, which, incidently, is shitty but oh so entertaining) and drink tea and sleep. I hope to feel better and have it up sometime tomorrow.

Till then, more amazing dance moves from Mr. Somerhalder:

Should I continue recapping The Vampire Diaries?

Um, so now that school has started I’m a lot busier and recapping The Vampire Diaries takes time and I’m not really sure how many people like reading them anyway, so what I’m saying is that if no one cares about these posts and they take forever to write just to float away into the internet wasteland then I am going to stop. But if people like reading these I won’t stop because I like doing them, they just take A LONG ASS TIME.

So I took advantage of the amazing poll technology and created this:

Please vote if you have 2 seconds to spare.

Thank you blog readers and also RIP Alexander McQueen you were a genius and amazing and I love you.